Your fear is killing my family: Why are you supporting my white cop and not my black son?
Update June 4, 2020: Though I wrote this post four years ago. Four years before #JusticeforGeorgeFloyd became the new tragic hashtag. Unfortunately this post still painfully relevant today. I’ve chosen to keep this article dated as is for history sake, but feel free to head to my homepage and my Instagram profile for my most recent thoughts on current events. I also wrote this post 5 years ago.
“Wow, he’s almost as dark as me!” I pointed to our son as my husband and I sat with the kids at the pool.
Our little 3-year-old is like so many other little boys. He’s happy, and fearless and finally getting the hang of pooping in the potty.
Right now you can’t help but look at him and see anything but an adorable little boy with a head of curls and eyelashes women envy. But how will you look at him in 10 years?
I love his brown skin. But I hate how it makes people feel.
I know some people want to say they don’t see color and that they see everyone the same. I’m not asking you to ignore who we are. I’m asking you (“you” could be you, your grandma, your aunt, neighbor etc etc) to see us as normal human beings.
When you subconsciously put more space between yourself and a black person, or lock your car door when we walk by, or tell me I’m ‘so articulate’, when really you mean “wow, you don’t sound ghetto” that’s ignorant. I almost said racist, but I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt.
When you see more black people on TV than you do in real life–Rich actors playing gangsters and thugs, what are you to believe?
When your only experience with different socio-economical communities is the violence you see on the 9 o’clock news, what are you to think?
Don’t let that completely skewed image of “reality” paint a picture of an entire race.
In countless shoot, don’t shoot scenarios participants are put in an officer’s shoes and put to the test to see how they would handle a realistic situation. People are quicker to pull the trigger on a black life. Oh, but don’t think you’re immune if you’re black. These results were across the board. Even with civilians, preachers, and race advocates.
This is why it’s so terrifying. This is why wives and mothers are fearful for their black husbands and sons. This is why we agree that our son will not have toy guns. We don’t want him to live in fear, but we also don’t want anyone to feel like they have the justification to harm our son. It’s not a risk we’re willing to take.
Part of the problem is people are more fearful of blacks. You wouldn’t believe the calls officers get to respond to a “suspicious person” that is nothing more than a black salesman going door to door. This isn’t just a police problem. This is society’s problem.
You may look at a news story about an officer involved shooting and say you’re waiting for more facts, but the fact of the matter is, had Alton Sterling, or Philando Castile been white, the officers may never have pulled the trigger. Had 12-year-old Tamir Rice been white, he probably would have been given the benefit of the doubt. Actually I’d wager a lot of money that he would still be alive.
And that is why I’m scared for my son. I’m worried society won’t give him the benefit of the doubt. That people will make their own judgements based on the color of his skin and react according to fear. Fear that should not even exist.
If you don’t think this is a real issue then you’re at risk of becoming a part of the problem.
And that is why people are saying #BlackLivesMatter. Because black lives matter TOO. Changing the message to #AllLivesMatter is like going to a Save The Rainforest meeting and shouting “But ALL forests matter!!” Or going to a Cancer Sucks event and saying “ALL diseases suck!” It’s just not cool.
Do blue lives matter? Why yes, of course. But we already know that. That was harshly evident this morning in my timeline when countless silent voices before suddenly spoke up about the violence and terror. Violence and fear I’ve been seeing all week.
My black friends who had been crying with me all week about Sterling and Castile deaths were also crying out about the deaths of the officers. Why is it that we can care about “all life”, but others don’t care about ours?
My husband kissed me goodbye this morning before he left to start his watch. All day I prayed that some wacko wanting to retaliate against police wouldn’t shoot my husband for no reason, or out of fear.
“It would suck if I died and then BYU won the national championship,” my husband joked as I fought back more tears this afternoon. He was trying to lighten the mood and be funny, but it’s not fun to have conversations that start with “If I die today…” which has been happening a lot more than usual lately. As scared as I am for my son’s life, I believe my husband’s is in much more immediate danger.
Tensions are tight, emotions are running wild, and I am absolutely terrified he may get caught in the crossfire. I pray morning and night that never ever happens.
If my husband were killed in the line of duty I KNOW I’d have your support. And I’m so thankful for that.
But if my son was killed at the hands of police would I still have your love and support? Or would you assume he was somehow threatening?
I love and appreciate your support for blue lives. I want more of it. Most of the time it feels like everyone is either afraid or hates police. But you know what? From the middle of the road, where I’m standing, it seems like people fear and hate black people even more. I need more love for my black community. And guess what? You don’t have to switch sides, you can do both.
Trevor Noah from The Daily Show stated my feelings precisely. We shouldn’t be choosing sides. If you’re pro-#blacklivesmatter you’re assumed to be anti-police. And if you’re pro-police, you’re assumed to hate black people. It’s seems it’s either pro-cop and anti-black or pro-black and anti-cop when in reality you can be pro cop AND pro-black which is what we should all be.
I promise you, it’s possible to love and support both. Go on, give it a try.
Will you stand with me, for my cop husband and my black son?
I’m terrified what will happen if we do not.
Tags: biracial children
Thank you so much for writing this post! You’ve expressed in words what I’ve felt.
Thank you for this perspective. Everyone needs to read this. I have shared and I hope others do as well!
If I could like this post a million times and then some I would. Why it’s so hard for people to support both sides is confusing as heck to me. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. And I side-eyed so many people today after they have been completely silent this past week until this morning. It’s frustrating and it’s exhausting that to keep fighting this same fight year after year, generation after generation. I’m determined to continue speaking out, challenging others to speak and taking action to make sure my children won’t live in fear!
Yes to all of this.
Every time this happens I look at my life and wonder if I’m the only person in this situation. I always feel like a unicorn.
Sending you love and prayers. These are hard times and I support you and your family – from all aspects. xoxo
Thank you for this. It is such a sad, scary time. For you, you have doubly as much to worry about. I hope this opens people’s eyes to why the blacklivesmatter is so important.
Well said. You should do a video segment on this for your news channel, it could go viral.
You’ve put into words what I haven’t been able to. Like you, I’m caught in this odd place where I’m white and my husband is a biracial police officer. Our children are a melting pot of beautiful shades of brown. I hate the fear that washes over me when my husband walks out the door in uniform and the same fear when my teenage son wears his favorite hoodie to go for a jog alone in the evening hours. I thought America would be a much different place by now but I see it’s going to take many generations of good people raising their children right to wash away some or most of the racist and prejudice ideas that so many cling to.
Thank you for sharing your story. I just made the disease comparison today and I think it got someone’s attention. At least, I hope it did. I justget so frustrated when people won’t admit that racism is still a thing. Praying for the safety of your whole family (black AND cop).
Thank you so much for your words! I wish I could plaster this on every mailbox and public place in my neighborhood. So many people need to hear this and understand this and make these changes. Thank you!
This was so beautifully written!! Continue to let God use you and your voice. May God continue to bless and cover your family.
I am so sorry this is your reality. Thank you for clearly stating what ought to be obvious.
All lives matter. Why can’t that be a hashtag? We’re all made in the image of God.
@PamPerry-Did you read the article at all?
Thank you for this post! So eloquently written and expressed!
I support both your husband and our sons!
Thank you for this beautiful post. I hope this first hand experience illustrating this is not either-or reaches far and wide. I shared it.
Thank you for writing this. Your story and perspective is very important. I can’t imagine the fear you must experience everyday. It makes me cry that you have to worry so much about your son. As a mom of two boys, I know we have enough every day things to worry about, I hate that this world gives you one more thing to fear. My thoughts and prayers are with your family and I will continue to speak to everyone I know about the seriousness of this. Thank you again.
Tali
Your article captured the true essence of how many of us are feelings. I realize that it going to take a serie of small steps and actions from many of us to work toward a solution to this problem.
I pray that those with challenging or selective hearing will eventually open their ears to truly hear and empathize with our reality and truth .
This is spot-on.
I stand for both black lives and police lives – it’s not either/or it MUST be both!
Thank you! My brother-in-law is both a cop and black. He has the most beautiful little boy with my sister and I want for him to be safe. I’m tired of people getting them ‘me against you’ mindset. We are all in this together. These are the children of all of us. We are one race, human. It is up to all of us to find a solution and pointing fingers and placing blame isn’t going to fix anything, it will just make things worse. I want to live in our country with everyone able to feel safe, regardless of color of skin, religion, sexual preference, gender, etc. (I have a trans-gender son, I don’t want to see anything bad happen to him, or my nephew, or my other children, or anyone’s children). Lets pull together as a country, as the human race and fix this, together.
This. I love this and hate that it is even necessary. I have biracial children, and this week I have felt a worry I didn’t before. All those stories I have heard in my family were no longer something to chuckle and roll my eyes at. I have 3 boys and one girl, and some of the stuff “friends” have said this week is just horrifying! I support both. Thank you for this. Even when I post it, I will hear ridiculous excuses and arguements for the “why and because of.” It breaks my heart.
I don’t know if it was due to growing up in the military, my parents guidance and teachings, being observant or all of the above….what I do know is while growing up overseas, we were all one, all family, all watching over each other, skin pigment nor religion, was of no consequence. I was 17 when we came back to the states, and it was a complete culture shock. Those that had. ” more ” treated those who had “less” differently. It didn’t matter your pigment, you were treated like crap. But I have to admit, even more so if Black or Asian. I just don’t get it, never have, never will…..I liked the feeling of community, family, safety, growing up as a military dependent. As an adult, I find it hard to be trusting of anyone, isn’t that sad.
Thank you for being the voice of reason. I read your piece several times, shared it, then went and checked out some of your other work and your YouTube channel. New follower here. xoxo
Trevor Noah’s video was perfect. It has to be both! We ALL deserve to live without this kind of fear. I am so sorry that you have to.
I’m in the blessed place of having a very mixed entourage so that my children see PEOPLE over race. That – and my own upbringing – has made it hard for me to see that this is not the case everywhere but this can no longer be ignored. I’m heartbroken. Blue lives matter. Black lives matter. Souls matter.
Thank you for writing this.
YES to SOULS Matter! This piece was beautiful, powerful. No one should have to choose a side!
Thank you for stating this so clearly! My family is a beautiful mix of Black, Asian, Puerto Rican, and White, and also contains several members of law enforcement. Some have visible tatoos, which make people even more suspicious. I fear for all of them. Praying for you and your family, as well as my own and all others!
As a mixed race person I really don’t like all this division. I completely agree about loving and supporting both and you have my support for both your husband and son. 🙂
I posted this once but I’m not sure if it worked so I’m trying again. 🙂
As a mixed race person I really don’t like all the division. I completely agree about loving and supporting both sides. You have my support for both your husband and your son. 🙂
Thank you for writing this. As a cop’s wife I feel the visceral clench of every publicized shooting as I prepare for yet another round of cop hating to occur.
You don’t get the rest between clenches. The hate is year round for people of color.
I need to be more aware. I may not be racist but I’m not as supportive as I should be.
You have my apologies and my love.
I don’t know how anyone can read your post and not gain see the true meaning and fear of what you’re experiencing. Just looking at non- African American males at work and wishing that my African American adult son could feel as free and confidence as they do without the threat of facing police brutality for no reason. I now have a 5yr old grandson and can’t believe that in 5 more yrs or so he will be looked upon as a threat just because of the color of his beautiful brown skin. My daughter is already pained at the thought of having “the talk” with him about how he may be looked upon as not the same as his non- Black friends. It makes me so angry and sad that she will have to do that, as I’ve had to discuss with my son at 10yrs old (13yrs ago), and couldn’t understand why all the boys on his little league team could go to the sleepover of one of his best buds on the team, but yet he wasn’t invited. It changed who my son was, and now this beautiful grandson who is full of wonder, love and intelligence will have to know what it means to be a black male in America. I will continue to pray for my son, your son, my grandson, my nephews and all African American males in this country as they are all under attack….God Bless
So well put! I feel like I have to believe that more people that feel this way. It must be true. Regardless of all the disgusting acts that have taken place in this short span of time there has to be more people who can’t believe the hate and ugliness and want a peaceful world that we can all exist in. A world were black or blue lives matter doesn’t have to be a hash tag because it’s a fact!
So well put! I feel like I have to believe that more people that feel this way. It must be true. Regardless of all the disgusting acts that have taken place in this short span of time there has to be more people who can’t believe the hate and ugliness and want a peaceful world that we can all exist in. A world were black or blue lives matter doesn’t have to be a hash tag because it’s a fact and neither one has to worry about losing their lives at the hands of the other.
Beautiful said! I support you husband and son. And I also hopes BYU wins the national championship! 😉
Beautifully stated.
I have read your post and looked at all your photographs of your family and have to say that you have a beautiful family and a family that looks like they fit together just like a puzzle. I am a 72 year old white southern woman but I have always called them as I see them. you have a loving husband and gorgeous children and I wish you all good things. we are not all alike. I have good white friends, black friends, black godchildren, gay and lesbian friends and I don’t differentiate with any of them. God Bless.
Love you, and your family, and your son, and your husband. I support police and black lives. <3
I am for all lives matter. The BLM movement is becoming a terrorist organization and something really does need to be done about it. It’s only spreading fear in our police officers and more of that fear that people have against black people. I’ve never had any issues with African Americans or any other race for that issue. I LOVE talking to people and getting to know them and their lives and customs and what they do differently. It utterly terrifies me to see all this violence going on but BLM is not making the situations any better.
Thanks so much for your comment Sara! I’m going to have to respectfully disagree with your belief that the BLM movement is violent. The shootings in Dallas were the actions of a lone gunman. Before that the protests were peaceful with participants and officers side by side. We can’t blame the actions of one on the many. Just like radical Christians who blow up abortion clinics shouldn’t be seen as “ALL Christians” this movement shouldn’t be seen as the way all blacks, or all people who are pro-BLM. OR, just like a racist officer in some small town who abuses his power shouldn’t be used as an example for ALL police. I hope that makes sense. I do hate when a few people give a whole religion/community/movement a bad name.
I wish folks could read this post with an open mind and heart. It sadden me when, as human beings that we lack the ability to at least try to emphatize with someone else’s plight. Sara, I’m sure you’re a delightful lady to talk to, but there is a bigger issue at hand. Racism is real and acting as if you’re colorblind will not change that fact. If we lived in a perfect world where no one was negatively judged by the color of their skin, religion, or social-economic class then there would be no need for BLM.
Thank you for this post. My husband and I are white and have a black son we adopted out of foster care in 2010. In the past several days, several friends have begged me to talk to him about what’s going on, saying “he’s a threat” just because he’s black. He’s only 9!! There are a lot of conversations I knew I would have to have with him, but this was definitely not one of them!
Thank you, so much for this. You’re articulate words have taken my exact thoughts and placed them in writing. I am not a police wife but I am an African-American woman married to a white man with biracial children. I’m so grateful for you and for the service your husband provides. Praying for all.
I agree that we need to stop the divide. I have many black friends and a few friends in law enforcement. I also have friends that are white with black children and black with black children that are coming forward with thier fears that thier children will be gunned down. It’s a harsh, scary and sad reality that needs to change. I feel sick for these moms. I never looked at the #blacklivesmatter movement as you put it today. I always would say “#alllivesmatter” as just that. ALL lives mattering to me. I see now that it looks ignorant but it was my way of saying that no one deserves to die for being different than you are be it black, gay, white, wearing a blue uniform, ect. I think that is what people are trying to convey when they say that, not to minimize what the black race is going through. Just as when one tries to be ‘color blind’. I choose not to say my black friend. I just say ‘my friend’. The world feels divided enough. I don’t want to be divided by differences or categorize and label people I care about. I by no means thought that #alllivesmatter was offensive till I read your post. My sincere apologies for not getting it at first.
Well said. Thank you
I totally understand and appreciate what you have written. I am a white grandmother and great grandmother and I have some black grandchildren…. To me I see no difference in them than in any of my other grandchildren they have dark skin and my other grandchild is as white as white could be but they are the same……
Black Lives do matter a cops life matters, but so does the yellow skins and the red skins and the white skins they all matter…. Underneath the color of the skin is the same color red running thru our veins. At one time in our history 1000’s of years ago we were all the same color…
If people can not get over the color of a persons skin then they have a problem.. . It took me along time to be comfortable around a bunch of black people as I grew up in a very small town where there was only one black family and that was back in the 60’s, 20’s yrs later I moved to a big city where there were blacks all around me, I grew up in the time of Martin Luther King and all of the riots so yes I was uncomfortable. . . . . . But I came to the realization that they are only people just like myself . . .
I thought all of the hatred was gone it seems to be going backwards and back to the times of when Mr King was around…. It is sad. . very sad what our country is becoming Why can’t we all get along?
http://www.shaunashanks.com/blog/2016/7/7/a-white-cops-wife-perspective-my-essay-on-the-black-police-related-shootings
Thank you and Friend of mine, Shauna Shanks just posted something similar, as a LEO wife. She is also writing a book.
I also have a white cop husband and a brown skinned son. Thank you for sharing your story.
Beautiful letter/post! I read it through tears. You’re right we’re going through some stressful (to say the least) times. Feels like back in the ’60’s!
But let me add this…in the ’60’s things were a LOT worse. HATE EVERYWHERE! Violence everywhere! FEAR so thick you could cut it with a knife! People afraid to leave their houses…I lived in Chicago then. It was like the whole city was on FIRE, literally and figuratively. Didn’t think it would ever end…but it did. And to my way of thinking, it got better, MUCH better. NOT over night, not healed, but MUCH better!
You may say, REALLY? But I lived through it, I know.
The reason I think it’s so much better is MAINLY because the YOUNG people REFUSE to see color…if they like you, they accept you. It’s that simple.
Politicians, in my opinion, are the main stream problem! Oh, and then there’s the media, like puppets, reading what they’re told to read, instead of showing the REAL truth.
I don’t mean just white people in power, I’ve seen many black so-called PEACE KEEPERS, that sound more like inciting a riot, than trying to make peace!
We have to call them out, we have to try to listen to our brilliant President…try to get along, try to work this out.
Do what MLK taught us…let’s all try love, let’s all try peace, let’s all try to get along! Let’s AGREE BLACK LIVES MATTER!
It took me months to understand that phrase, ” BLACK LIVES MATTER”, I was with everyone else, I would think, WHAT? ALL lives matter!
THEN I started to read, pay attention, and FINALLY understand…what the black people were TRYING to say.
People like YOU! Writing and explaining, not just walking through the streets YELLING ‘Black Lives Matter’…that’s not the way to do it…FIRST EXPLAIN it is what you’re saying and why…Help us not too observant white people understand what’s going on, what you’re trying to say…I FINALLY GET IT!
COMMUNICATION is the key to everything…let’s communicate better! Openly and honestly like your beautiful, touching letter.
God bless you and you’re beautiful family. Hope God HELPS bring PEACE and LOVE to America…He can’t do it ALL, WE, TOGETHER must work at it!
<3
Just wanted to say, I have been posting the “all lives matter” meme due to being in the middle. My Grandbaby is mixed and we have police friends and family. That is my way of showing I support both sides, not discounting black lives matter at all.
Kandi,
It sounds like you have genuine interest in being impartial but are unaware that your use of that phrase is not partial at all. It is seen by many in the struggle to divert attention away from the issue of brutality committed by officers against blacks and a disproportionate rate.
Here is a suggestion that I am seeing alot around:
#Blackandwhiteandbrownandbluetogether!
#togetherwestand
Good luck!
JJ
I am so sorry for the pain you are in! My family too has been unfairly targeted for all of my adult life, as people to be blamed, shamed and taken advantage of. I wish I could give you a little comfort, but I know that I can’t. The only hope I have is that, while there is no justice here on earth, God sees what we go through, and the truth will be revealed, if not in this life, then in the next. Then no one will be able to shift blame or escape from acknowledging what they have done. I hold onto what a man of God once said, “If I didn’t know that God has the last word, I would go crazy.” But He does, and so clinging to that, I don’t go crazy, though God’s help.
I have made a commitment that I cannot stay quiet any longer. White silence is white acceptance. Sure, I’ve donated to the right causes, engaged in thoughtful discussion, voted for those who support racial equality and fair laws…but apparently it is not enough. I want to do more, and I must. I heard a phrase that has stuck with me since I have my baby (now 5 months)…there is no such thing as “someone else’s children.” We all bear responsibility for all children. Thank you for this moving post.
Thank you for this post, sadly there is need for it. Hope a lot of people read this and are influenced by it. My prayers are with you all. From the Netherlands (where we have racisme too).
Pam, All lives do matter but we’re not talking about all lives right now. We’re talking about black lives. It’s like how I deal with my children. I cannot afford to get them everything they need all at once. I have 5 kids. So it can be a waiting game at times. They’ve heard me say, “I know you need this but ______ (insert name) has been waiting for a while and we need to focus on him/her now. Just please wait a little longer and we’ll get to it. You’re up next.” You get the idea.
Anyway, by having to prioritize a few things based on need at the moment in my family, it doesn’t mean I don’t value my other children.
I have to support Black lives Matter. They’ve been waiting hundreds of years for justice and equality. If we don’t show them that they matter and have the real conversation that many people seem to not want to have, we’re setting people up for more hurt and violence. It’s time to try to correct things and start by saying, “yes, Black lives matter” and then have their back and be a part of the change.
This is beautiful and important! I just find myself feeling, I don’t know, helpless (?) after reading things like this. I agree, black lives matter. I am pro life through and through, so when I see there is a pressing concerns where lives are not being honored and valued, I know we need to rally behind it. But, I’m aware. I’m informed. I know what is going on out there. Now what? I can’t help but feel paralyzed. Do you have an suggestions for things this white, small town mom can do? Of course I pray. Of course I teach my kids about valuing and respecting humans. But, that’s just parenting. What can our family do to attack this issue more head on?
Jenna, I think that the fact that you are asking says so much. Thank you for your support, for listening and for caring. I think speaking up and letting others know what you have learned, not being silent, and standing up for people when you hear of something unjust. All of those things are good but you are off to a great start. I think I’ll work on another post with a list of ideas for ways people can help. Thanks so much for reading and for your comment!
I just want to thank you for your words. As a black mama in a mixed race, interfaith family, it terrifies and saddens me to see the hatred and violence that is tearing us apart. In a world that seems increasingly fractured and violent, we must learn to live together and support one another or we will perish.
It won’t be easy, but we’ve faced difficult challenges before and have prevailed–we can do this as well, tough as it will be be. I have to believe that this is possible (even though I struggle to hold on to that belief at times like this)–to believe otherwise is to relinquish hope, and when I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, hope is all I’ve got.
Warmest wishes to you and your beautiful family. I wish you strength.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My husband is an officer and I have struggled so much this week with finding the right words… words to say I support both sides but feel like even saying “both sides” is contributing to the issue and l leaving me in a place where I just don’t know what to say. I worry so much that my husband will not come home every night and agree that something needs to change, the conversation needs to change or there will only be more violence and more death.
Amen. Thank you for this you courageous mama-wife you!
I’m so sorry. That’s all I can say. And you are totally right. Except for if I met you, I would adore you. I would love your son, I would never fear him. Why has this happened? I’m done pretending it’s not true. I’m going to stop the madness by admitting you are right. I love this blog post and your heart. And who your husband represents, and who your son represents.
I just have to tell you that is one GORGEOUS kid! 😉
So beautiful. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing and being so transparent. I can relate to your experience. As the wife of a (black) cop and mom to a black son the fear can threaten to consume you. Last week was very challenging emotionally, but this I have resolved to stay prayerful, discover how I can make a difference, and not let fear and grief take over. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family.
Thank you so much; this is exactly how I feel.
I am really trying to have conversations about race within my white community. It’s a tough subject and people are afraid and we want to think we’re all set and have no biases which is just not true. We need to have conversations where we can start to identify and uncover the biases we have so that we can be more aware of what is going on and start to actively change our perceptions and actions.
I am done looking for the bright side in this issue. I am going to address this head on and advocate for Black Lives. We need the white community to care and speak up and see this as their issue too.
BLM is not a terrorist organization. I don’t know if you know this but mainstream media lies and only provides the police narrative. BLM wants to raise awareness and practices non violence. It is the bystanders, those who do not actually belong to BLM but come out to rally’s and protests that cause problem. Why don’t you go to some BLM meetings in your area? They welcome white allies. If you attend a meeting and listen to their strategy you will see that what the media says about them is far from the truth.
I think so much of the division we feel is based on fear. We fear what is unknown. We fear what is different. And if we are honest with ourselves, and discuss these issues that bother us, we begin to see other people with similar experiences and opinions. I have heard and read about so many interesting studies on race, and most of us would be very surprised at how we approach the world. Most people who say they are not prejudiced sincerely believe that in their heart, but we all do. It’s part of being human. We just have to be better, and consciously work to accept one another. Thank you again for your beautiful post. I hope it opens hearts and minds and helps people realize that black lives matter TOO.
This is so so true, every bit of it, thank you Lainey.
You think that because your skin is a different color that your lives matter more? YOU are being racist and are ploying your son as part of this racial battle. You need to LOOK AT THE STATS: Cops killed nearly twice as many whites as blacks in 2015. People aren’t targeting blacks, they happen to commit more crime than the other races: blacks were charged with 62 percent of robberies, 57 percent of murders and 45 percent of assaults in the 75 biggest counties in the country, despite only comprising roughly 15 percent of the population in these counties.
If your son was killed, of course you’d have support, but not because of his skin color! The fact that you are segregating your own son because of the color of his skin is part of this racial problem, not a solution. If someone else’s son dies, do YOU show support? I’m willing to bet you’d show more support if they’re black. THAT is the problem. You are entitling a race. All lives matter, end of story. And by the way, main stream media does NOT tell the police narrative – it tells the story that’s going to put fear in people.
The percentage of people being killed is disproportionate to the population. Saying an woman in a mixed race marriage is racist is just silly.
See these statistics FROM the Washington Post.
Once again, while in raw numbers there were similar totals of white and black victims, blacks were killed at rates disproportionate to their percentage of the U.S. population. Of all of the unarmed people shot and killed by police in 2015, 40 percent of them were black men, even though black men make up just 6 percent of the nation’s population.
And, when considering shootings confined within a single race, a black person shot and killed by police is more likely to have been unarmed than a white person. About 13 percent of all black people who have been fatally shot by police since January 2015 were unarmed, compared with 7 percent of all white people.
Full link here. https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/07/11/arent-more-white-people-than-black-people-killed-by-police-yes-but-no/?utm_term=.b9ab2ce5328a#
One of my favorite memes states, “Black Lives Matter. & Good Cops Know It.” Thank you for putting into words my own thoughts and feelings.
I love that meme too!
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I have prayed for quite a few days whether or not to respond to this post. I appreciate your heart and your stance and all that you are walking through.
I am a white woman married to a black man who is an LAPD officer and we have 4 beautifully mixed children. But, more importantly we are Christ followers.
These past few months even past couple of years have been a bit of a struggle for me and for my husband. He has been called an Uncle Tom by strangers and even family. I have struggled with wanting to defend everything I know that he and almost every other police officer represents when they put on their uniforms and badge and go out at all hours of the day and night to protect our cities.
I do not share your concerns and neither does my husband about our children being treated differently. That doesn’t mean your concerns are not relevant.
I do not support the BLM. Nor does my husband. I think what may have been meant for good has become very a skewed. They have unfortunately become the face of many radically charged protests against police. I think most people know that just from what we have seen in the news.
Our family will continue to speak the truth that All Lives Matter. I refuse to tell my kids that only half of their lives matter. There is no time for that. And this has nothing to do with being impartial or not. This is Gods truth. He cares for all of us and will fight for us. I have had to surrender my feelings at the cross. His word says that in this world we will have trouble but to take heart because He has overcome the world.
I appreciate your passion and others for your support of BLM. However, the danger comes when we start telling others that their feelings don’t matter. When someone says All Lives Matter who has the right to tell them that is disrespectful or not partial.
I have struggled with my own feelings for months. I was furious at Beyoncé, Jada Pinkett Smith, and many other celebrities and BLM supporters for their half truths and accusations. It drove me to tears every night. But, most importantly, it drove me to my knees and to look to the One who knows and sees all.
I could continue to write more but this would be a very long post:) However, I am very willing to start having conversations with people and not just opinions and monologues.
The reality is that we will never all agree. There will always be differences of opinions and injustices. My husband came from the projects of New Orleans and life wasn’t necessarily fair but he had a choice to make and he chose to not break the law, to work hard and to become a police officer. I am so proud of him. I have started wearing “police wife” shirts and my hope and prayer is that it starts conversations. It already has.
God’s word promises that in all things He wil work for the good. We as a nation and as a people need to start putting Him first again and allow and trust Him to do what only He can do.
I realize this post will be met with opposition and I’m ok with that. But, let’s continue to respond with respect and grace.
Melissa I’m so glad you took the time to leave this heartfelt comment. I respect your opinion and from one police wife to another, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I love that you’re open to having these conversations and I hope that they continue to happen because I think that’s the only way change and progress happens. Much love and prayers to you and your family!
Mam,
I am a white, male, L.E.O. and I wanted to say that you wrote an absolutely wonderful article. It breaks my heart that the black community is hurting, my fellow Americans and human beings. It breaks my heart to to think that there are some people who might fear me and my badge. It breaks my heart to feel sometimes as if my own life, as a cop does not matter. So I can only imagine how black Americans feel.
I became a L.E.O. to protect my fellow humans. I don’t mean this as a hash tag or catch phrase. I truely wanted to protect, it is in my nature. There’s so much hurt out there today, mine included, that sometimes I just feel like turning in my badge and walking away. But I have a quote above my desk, it’s an Iron man quote that I often read and then re-read
“Everything I’ve done, everything I’ll do today, everything I’ll ever do, I do to protect this world. Someone once told me that with great power comes great responsibility. That’s usually thought of as a lesson for children. A simple injunction to do the right thing. But there’s nothing simple about it. When I put on this armor, I took on more power than any human was ever intended to have… and maybe more responsibility than my heart can truly bear. But today… I will do my job. I will protect you. No matter what it takes..”
It gets me through. Anyways, I stand with you and others like Trevor Noah. Thus article is an inspiration. Our world needs more kindness, not less. Good job mam!
Michael, words can’t express how thankful I am for your comment. Especially right now. Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing such a personal and emotional post. My husband is in the police academy in St. Louis and it is a mix of pride for the good cops and horror for the bad cops that I hear about in the news.
I will be standing right by your side. Always. I have tears streaming down my face.
Just so poignant and paints a powerful picture for those of us who don’t live out all sides of this matter so close to home. Thanks for sharing. As a white woman I tell my white mama friends that until we grieve these young men who have died as our own sons, we just can’t fully fathom the pain of the black community. Losing a son isn’t a pain you can ever fully heal. It burns deeply. It scars. We can’t live with the unbearable pain of senseless deaths and injustice any longer. I think mamas are uniquely positioned to leverage a deep well of sympathy and mama bear-ness and say NO MORE, in honor and memory of all of my sons.
I love this. Very touching. This could have been written in 2020. Imagine your fears from 4 years ago are your fears today. Praying for you and for what’s going on and hoping things get better❤
Wow this is written in 2016. I pray for you as you navigate of this still even more in 2020. You have done a amazing job standing up for both your husband and son.
Thank you! Please keep talking, teaching, and breaking our hearts open!
I can’t love this post enough!!! You truly spoke the words my heart feels! WHY CANT WE BE PRO BOTH!!!!! WE CAN AND WE SHOULD!!! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I pray for all of us every night. We have to change our hearts so we can change this world!!!
You wrote this post years ago and unfortunately it’s still so relevant today. I hope that your fear can turn into peace someday. You have a gorgeous family and I loved reading this post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! My heart is with yours. One by one we can make a difference . We must be united not divided. ❤️
I stand with you and support your family. Thank you for sharing your story. I pray for your husband’s safety and hope that someday your fear will be a thing of the past.#blacklivesmatter
Thank you Isa!
Thank you so much Isa <3
This post is EVERYTHING. I’m a black woman married to a white NYPD cop and we have two sons (one now A high schooler). This post literally speaks to my heart. I love my husband, I support the police – but I also fear for my sons and worry constantly how he is being perceived by others on a daily basis. Always coaching him how to behave in public: “Don’t walk around with hands in your pocket” …. “Don’t walk around with your hoodie up over your head” …. “Make sure you are always home before dark or call for a ride – never walk home at night by yourself” … “Always have your ID on you” …. “Always be EXTRA polite” … the list goes on. So often I get stuck in the middle of BLM, anti-police and pro-police rhetoric and claims that racism doesn’t exist anymore from friends, family and acquaintances who just can’t seem to understand that I can be both pro Black Lives Matter and pro-police. BLM at its core is not anti-police. And not all cops are racist. It’s a lonely position to be in at times – so reading this just made me feel like a little less alone. So, for that, Thank You.
As a black woman married to a white police officer with a son, this article was so relatable. Thank you for sharing our perspective.