I couldn’t contain the tears when the ultrasound tech told me I was having a baby girl. I hadn’t even met her yet and I was sure we were destined to be close.

Years ago I dreamt I’d one day have a little girl with dark curly locks and a smile that could brighten a room. Now she’s standing in front of me, and she’s mine.

(Dress via Adelaide’s Boutique)

“Mommy are you sad?” She asks me.

“No, why?”

“Because I’m turning 5, and I’m growing up,” she clarifies.

It’s true. I’ve told her countless times how sad I get when I think of how she’s growing up. I pull her close and have her make a pact.

“Promise you’ll always love me!” I urge when the nostalgic mood takes over.

She giggles under my tight squeeze.

Today is the last day my little girl is 4. I’ve loved this last year so much. She evolved into a little girl with a huge imagination. Her love for art and technology and learning has grown, and she’s conquered many fears, from dancing in front of an audience, to riding on a roller coaster.

As the hours tick down, I can’t help but ask myself if I did enough this year. Did I cherish my 4-year-old? Enjoy our moments together? Make memories that will last?

Each birthday I don’t want to let go of the last. They aren’t getting any easier. But they all give me a chance to hit the reset button, and reflect on how I can become a better mom.

She’s the daughter of my dreams. A wonderful big sister, an award-winning negotiator, a dreamer, cuddler, and compassionate friend.

I can’t wait to see what she brings into our world as a 5-year-old. I have a feeling it’ll be great.

Are birthdays bittersweet for you too? Does it ever get easier?

A look back at each of her birthdays:

Tags: birthday, bittersweet, family, lil j, love