First, let me start off by saying how amazing you are. No, I’m not just trying to butter you up because I’m abandoning you with the kids for a few days, I really mean it, you’re awesome. So awesome that I thought I should warn you about a few things before I go.
1. I know you think the kids wake up at 8:30 every morning and are so loud and obnoxious. I’m sorry, I try my best to keep them quiet after you’ve had a pretty long night at work. But know that they actually wake up closer to 7. That’s if they sleep in. Normally I get up with our son around 6 and nurse him back to sleep in the other room until 7, and by then he’s ready to party. Around 7:30 is when our daughter senses her brother having all the fun and she comes in wanting to play and declares that she’s STARVING. I make her starve just a little bit longer so you can keep sleeping soundly before we head into the kitchen. We jump on the guest-room bed, cuddle, listen to soft music, or have tickle fights. Ok actually, most time I just hand our daughter my iPhone and hope that our son will nurse a little longer and not catapult off the bed while I try to catch a few extra Zzzzs. After all, I was still up writing a couple hours after you went to bed.
By 8:30 I’ve held my pee as long as I can, so I throw some yogurt puffs in the hallway in hopes that it’ll entertain them long enough for me to relieve myself. That quick break is usually when they make a beeline for the playroom and crash into some loud toy. I know you hear it and groan, wondering why in the world are they up so early ,and making so much noise, but I assure you, they’ve already been awake for hours.
2. Our kids like to eat, a lot.
You know those little squeezable pouches you like to feed Big T? Well, those things equate to about half a jar of baby food. They work great as a snack between meals when we’re out, but know that one of those things aint gonna fill him up at lunch time. He actually eats more than his sister does. And he can eat more than just baby food. Actually he’s probably starting at whatever you’re eating right now wondering why you’re not sharing.
As for our daughter, you know this already but she can be pretty picky. Yes, she’s probably going to ask for 20 different snacks today. No, I don’t give her 20 different snacks. In fact, the doctor says we should probably get her to eat more green vegetables. You got that right? I think now’s the perfect time to implement this important staple in her diet. She may give you a little push-back and tell you she doesn’t like that stuff, but deep down she does. I know you can do it.
PS: She may try to sneak some Easter marshmallows and tell you I let her eat some after she eats three baby carrots. That’s just completely untrue.3. They also talk a lot. Especially the big one. No, she never stops. I’m using it as an opportunity to teach her to become fluent in Spanish and Chinese. I’d appreciate if you could keep up with those studies.
4. I know it doesn’t always seem like it, but I clean the house about 12 times a day. The house looks spotless most of the day, I just give up right before you get home.
5. If you hear the door alarm beep during the day, someone isn’t breaking in, that’s just our daughter sneaking out the back door to make some kind of play dough experiment on the back porch. No, locking the door won’t help. But if you don’t mind her making a mess, it’ll actually give your ears a break (see number 3).
6. Don’t forget to feed Snoop. I know it’s the first thing you ask me when you get home, but it’s so easy to forget when you keep the dog food bowl up high to keep our son from eating it before Snoop does.
7. Don’t let our son eat the dog food. But if he does, you don’t need to call poison control. They told me it’s not harmful.
8. I’m leaving you with a baby and a preschooler and I expect to come home to the same. In other words, don’t teach our son how to walk. I’m not ready for a toddler.
9. If our son starts walking while I’m away, DON’T TELL ME. I’ve seen him take a few steps but I may cry if he’s cruising around and I missed the whole thing. Let me at least pretend to have witnessed the milestone.
10. No, keeping the kids up later won’t make them sleep in longer the next day. I know you’re going to try it anyway. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
One last thing… If our daughter asks for her octopus at bedtime, and you’re wondering what the heck that is, look for a bundle of mis-matched socks. Don’t ask. If you still can’t find it, grab about 10 black socks from your drawer and bundle them into one, it’ll make her happy.
Again, I really appreciate you taking time off for me to go get pampered, shop and do some Great Smokey Mountain adventures. I’d like to say I owe you one, but I actually think after this, we can call it even.