Uncontrollable Fear

5 weeks 4 days: Written 10/27 and saved for today

Tomorrow I’m announcing my pregnancy on my blog. We told our families, I’ve told a few friends, and I have a new blog design to match my state of being… Well, I’m not THAT pregnant yet, but you know what I mean.

I’m not afraid to put it out there that I’m pregnant, but there are some people I don’t want to know. I’d prefer people I work with don’t know. I’ve flat out told people who have asked me about it that I’m not. I’m not ready to discuss that with them. I don’t want people to treat me differently, or look at me strange. Most of all, if worst-case scenario I don’t want to have to tell them bad news. Something tells me they wouldn’t understand.

What I don’t understand is why I can’t ENJOY this fully. I want to give myself 100% to this but every person I talk to about it I add the preceding line “I hope it all goes well” or “I’m praying it sticks” or “It’s still way early.” Why can’t I just love my growing baby as it is now and enjoy its presence 100%?

I just got off the phone with one of my best friends. She had a miscarriage a couple of years ago, and a stillbirth earlier this year after finding out her son had Trisomy 18. She gave me some of the best words of wisdom: “You’ll be more upset if you don’t love this pregnancy you’re experiencing… Lose it or not, than if you live in fear–Afraid to get your hopes up, then experience a loss.”‘

I keep trying to tell myself everything is going to be ok… Count all of the people I know who have had long and healthy pregnancies resulting in beautiful babies. But my mind can’t help but drift to the heart-wrenching stories of my friends who have experienced a loss.

I don’t know what to do to ease my mind.

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