The Void

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I’ve been trying to fill it for a few years–Ignore it. There’s something missing–An emptyness inside that I can’t wuite explain. I do have an idea of what it could be… But I’m worried it won’t be my cure.

My core feels like a giant empty box that needs to be filled. I keep grabbing things… A degree, new job, a new home, a cute, happy and really really smart puppy… And stuffing them in my box. It begins to fill up, but quickly thereafter feels hallow again, almost as fast as it was filling up.

I can feel myself doing that again now. I’m trying to plan vacationss, goals, accomplishments. A trip to New York this fall, and a trip to some exotic island next year–Difficult to plan when there’s a posibility of +1. My wants and needs are all jumbled up and I can’t tell up from down.

There was a time, a month or so ago, when I just knew the time was “now”–Similar to the feeling I got when I knew I should marry my husband. It was comforting having that feeling, it brought with it strength to overshadow my intense fear of motherhood–Of leaving the world as I know it behind and welcoming a world that seems so hard to visualize.

I’m planning a another trip that’s sure to help… A trip to a sanctuary, a place I haven’t been in so long–Too long. A place I pray I’ll get answers, and fill this void for awhile–A trip to the temple.

I’m not changing my mind this time, and I’m taking time off if need be. The schedules here are short, and there’s limited times to go. But I’m not letting that stop me this time. The date– No later than the 27th–Hopefully sooner. I will report.

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  1. I think going to the Temple will the be the best thing for you! It is a place for complete happiness. I have struggled with this question over and over again… is it time? I started to get the feeling that YES… it’s time! But then all the worries, plans and things kept getting in the way. Finally I went to the temple… it was this simple and peaceful answer… it wasn’t how I expected to get my answer, but it worked nonetheless. Once you get your answer in the temple… whatever it may be.. ALWAYS remember that, esp when the other things begin to distract you. Pay attention to what is really important and the Lord will guide you in how to “get things in order” I believe he cares very much about our wants and wishes… he just handles them differently than we expect! ANYWAY.. good luck! I hope your Temple experience is a peaceful one, and I know you are on the right track!

  2. That is the best idea you have came up with. When I am feeling empty (honestly though not that often) I pray. I pray until the emptiness is gone. It has been ages but that’s what I do.

    I agree with Veronica – I hope it’s peaceful and I know you are on the right track too!

  3. This is the best idea. It is the most comforting place you can go. And everything becomes clear. You don’t have outside troubles or anything. It is a feeling of absolutely peace.

    I was wondering when you would do this haha.

  4. I think its wonderful your going with a specific goal to the Temple… what better place to get answers… =)

    Its also important as one of the other posters said… that once you get that answer…. DONT let yourself get distracted… not by you hubby, your friends, yourself…. If you get an answer from Heavenly father in the temple… everything else will be a test of your faith to have it all fall into place. So dont give up, pray always, and have a wonderful session… I hope you get the answers that your heart desires! hug!

  5. I need to take that trip too! The first year we were married we went almost every week- now…. well I am VERY sad to say it has been almost 2 years! HOLY COW! I need to get my bum to the temple!

  6. You inspire me! I need to go too. Someone once told me something that has stuck with me when I have doubts or am looking for answers. They said “The Lord shouldn’t have to tell you twice” and it’s so true. If you get an answer- that’s your answer. You shouldn’t keep asking hoping you’ll get something different or be lazy about the answer. I don’t know if that pertains here but I thought I’d pass it on. Good luck!

  7. Hi, I finally decided to check your blog (I’m a friend from MMB). Interesting post! You’ve got quite a long list there. I have 2 boys, my oldest 3 1/2 is special needs. There were so many things that I wanted to do, travel the world, finish school, some of the things even you want. But when I got married, all I could think about was having a baby. And I did.

    Life doesn’t stop when you have a child. It begins! Everyday, looking into that sweet little face is a miracle!! Even though it has been really hard to have a child with special needs, I would never take a moment back — In fact, I have never felt closer to the Lord, then I have as a mother. Never did I understand the depth of the sacrifice our Heavenly Father made for us, until I held my own son in my arms.

    Ask yourself the question, “Am I putting off having kids for selfish reasons or the the benefit of my future child.” I had to do this. And it was hard. Hard to concider having #3 when I can’t lose weight, and my oldest child still can’t talk. But I realized I was putting it off for myself. When I went to the Lord in prayer, my answer was YES! Now, we are trying for number 3. Am I scared? Yes! But I have faith and hope that the Lord won’t ever lead me astray.

    I hope that you find your answers!

  8. oh girl. i totally feel ya. I’m still battling these thoughts with marriage – but i get the same kind of thoughts about kids too. at this age (slowly approaching the big 30… it’s definitely on my mind. some days i want 8 kids, the next day i’m glad I have my freedom.

    I don’t know… its tough. i think you’re right though, one day it just all clicks

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