I’ve been trying to fill it for a few years–Ignore it. There’s something missing–An emptyness inside that I can’t wuite explain. I do have an idea of what it could be… But I’m worried it won’t be my cure.
My core feels like a giant empty box that needs to be filled. I keep grabbing things… A degree, new job, a new home, a cute, happy and really really smart puppy… And stuffing them in my box. It begins to fill up, but quickly thereafter feels hallow again, almost as fast as it was filling up.
I can feel myself doing that again now. I’m trying to plan vacationss, goals, accomplishments. A trip to New York this fall, and a trip to some exotic island next year–Difficult to plan when there’s a posibility of +1. My wants and needs are all jumbled up and I can’t tell up from down.
There was a time, a month or so ago, when I just knew the time was “now”–Similar to the feeling I got when I knew I should marry my husband. It was comforting having that feeling, it brought with it strength to overshadow my intense fear of motherhood–Of leaving the world as I know it behind and welcoming a world that seems so hard to visualize.
I’m planning a another trip that’s sure to help… A trip to a sanctuary, a place I haven’t been in so long–Too long. A place I pray I’ll get answers, and fill this void for awhile–A trip to the temple.
I’m not changing my mind this time, and I’m taking time off if need be. The schedules here are short, and there’s limited times to go. But I’m not letting that stop me this time. The date– No later than the 27th–Hopefully sooner. I will report.