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The Trips to Brazil and Back

I have yet to go out of the country but I have had “a taste of Brazil” if you know what I mean (wink wink nudge nudge). First off, let’s star with saying if you are ulrta-conservative, a member of my family or get bashful when you hear the words “Brazilian Wax” let’s save both of us the embarrassment, reading this post probably isn’t for you. Obviously, I’m not a very private person. And I figured I’d give some words of wisdom for my lady friends who may be curious about the same thing.

Besides my yearly visit to the GYNO no strange person gets to see my whooha. I have a feeling when you’re pregnant how you’re looking “down there” is one of the last things on your mind but just in case I get self conscious, and for kicks and giggles, I’ve decided to do some experimenting myself… Ya know, kind of like a buy it and try it, except with LOTS of trial and error with one goal in mind…

We’ll start with the problem: Hair. Sometimes ya just don’t wait it in certain areas…
I’ve tried many different tactics to rid myself of the blasted stuff. Remember my birth control post? Well this is going to be a similar but a little less elaborate, oh and maybe more graphic.

I started to consider lazier hair removal but once I heard it was painful and that it’s harder on people with dark skin, I put that idea on hold. Here are my other attempts.

Shaving
/5
If you’re going to try it this way I only suggest you get a mirror, doing the balancing act in front of the bathroom mirror just won’t cut it. Plus, you could get hurt! Trust me, slipping and sliding with a razor blade in your hand aimed at very important bodily organs is NOT a good idea.

The results: Nice for about a day then ya feel like a porcupine. A few days later… a porcupine with an itch. I give it /5 stars cause it can be worse.

Nair/Veet Stuff
.5 /5
I should have known this wasn’t the best idea from the beginning. After spending 20 minutes down the hair removal isle trying to decide whether to get the sensitive skin or bikini.. Finally choosing some kind of sensitive (with aloe vera) I did everything wrong.

… The label says something like 3 minutes. To make sure it worked REALLY well I decided to add another 5–First bad idea.

…The label says to avoid certain sensitive areas and I tried but I just wanted it ALL gone so I gave into my internal temptations and just put it all over–Second bad idea.

…I waited another couple of minuets before really trying to take it all off (tripling the directed time), then got the water really hot– Third and Fourth bad idea.

…I closed my legs–The WORST idea.

I knew something was wrong when I felt the burning. ‘Jump in the tub’ was my first though but the water was so hot I didn’t know which was burning me more.

Let’s just say the next 5-10 minuets of trying to get the stuff off was some of the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. Every swipe felt like I was peeling my skin off with an acidic rake.

Ladies, I know we’re told to keep our legs closed but this is one instance you DON’T want to do it. Or better yet… don’t put the stuff there!

I get it .5 stars /5 if you follow the directions

Smooth Away (as seen on TV)
/5
If you’ve seen the infomercials for Smooth Away, don’t be fooled! They show women softly caressing their legs, zoom in and show a silky smooth leg free from hair. They give you smaller pads to use in “the bikini” area. After trying it on my legs and realizing instead of turning my leg nice, shiny, and smooth it was just smooth and ashy. It also wasn’t an easy “wipe on wipe off” motion it was more like “push down real hard and get a workout while trying to wipe the hair away.” I seriously can skip an arm workout at the gym after smoothing my legs away. After testing on my legs I realized it doesn’t get the hair as close as shaving does, and it makes the area you use it on real tender… I opted not to try it on my goodies.
/5 stars /5 stars for the workout you get while trying.
Waxing
/5
Ok here we go, here’s where it gets good. I had always been curious about getting a Brazilian wax. The fact that I have the lowest pain tolerance imaginable kept me from trying it for years. Two things made me brave enough to do it. 1. I found to one of my ultra conservative friends gets one regularly. Waaa? ‘If SHE can do it, I can do it,’ I thought. 2. It came up in a conversation with one of my girlfriends who had also never had a Brazilian and we decided to take the leap together! We sort of worked as each other’s coach.

In preparation I did a lot of research. I came across a story about one woman taking a bite stick in with her. I wanted to do that–Anything that would help. I heard of No Scream Cream but not until after the fact. So I drugged up on ibuprofen and hoped for the best.

Having a friend with me gave me motivation to try not to scream… Or at least not first.

I had never had anything besides my eyebrows waxed before so I had no idea the surprise I was in for. Everyone I’d asked about it said it hurt a lot but said it was worth it. All I kept thinking was ‘it had better be!’

The torturer esthetician was nice. She tried to make good conversation but really, all I wanted to do was focus on not screaming.
“Does anyone ever cry?” I asked her.
“Oh no, if you cried I’d feel really bad.”

Great… Pressure.
“Well, I’ve never had anything waxed before. Nothing besides my eyebrows,” I told her, hoping to get some sympathy-Permission to cry if need be.

I told her I almost brought a bite stick and she offered me a towel. Great! I’ll take it. I shoved the towel in my mouth and braced myself for the unimaginable pain I knew would soon be bestowed upon me.

Now, I’m not sure why they do this but the scenario would go something like this:
“So what are you studying?” She’d ask me, probably trying to lighten the mood, although I was in no mood for talking. Besides, I had the towel in my mouth, remember?

I’d take the towel out, and begin to answer…
“Broadcast….. JOOOOOOOOUUUUURNALISM!!!!” Right as the first, and worst strip of hair was ripped away. Why did she do that? Couldn’t she have at least waited for me to put the towel back in my mouth?

I could feel the tears start to form. I felt betrayed.

“Oh yea?” She’d say, and she’s ask a series of follow up questions I’d try to answer as quickly as possible as not to be fooled again.

The whole process took about an hour… Yea, an hour of: Question, Ans-RIIIIP!!! wer!!!

I wasn’t alone though, my friend said it wasn’t easy for her either. After it all I felt accomplished, brave, and like I had achieved a new level of womanhood. I told them all it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but really… It was.

The good news: A month later it’s still nice and silky smooth. I looked like a plucked chicken the first couple of days but after the tenderness went away I was LOVIN it! I felt lighter, nicer, cleaner and just better!

I recently went for a second round but nearly a year later (I tested out those other products in between) and decided/learned it’s best to NOT shave between those. Good news though–It only took 15 minutes the last time! I went to a much better salon known for their 15-minute Brazilians.

In the end I recommend finding a GOOD salon for those. Do your research and don’t pick some place just cause it’s cheap. Take a bite stick or ask for a towel to keep from screaming and prepared to be tricked into answering questions right as they pull the trigger.

**Additional info for those who have asked**
A Brazilian way takes away ALL the hair I mean Everythang girl! A Playboy takes away everything but what they call a “landing strip” (don’t ask me why they call it that) but I guess they leave a little section (which you can actually get designed like a heart or something if you’re interested). And yea, you pretty much get totally naked. The first time I went they gave me wannabe panties and moved them from side to side and the second time the lady was like “You might as well take everything off cause I’m gonna see it all anyway.” But hey, if you can deliver a baby you can do this, trust me!!

I give Brazilians a /5 because let’s face it… It hurts. And the trickery, that’s not cool.


sues2u2 says:

I came by to see who you were for the voting on mmb & damn, girl! You are hilarious! I really liked the orgasmic birth thing too.
Too bad I a) had to have c-sections & b) well, I’m done & have been for years! Good luck w/ that though.

I LOVE getting waxed. I have the no scream cream and if you follow the directions it really helps. Plus I think that it gets easier every time you do it. I just hate how expensive it gets to keep up.

Have you heard of Magic Cream? Google it. Apparently, lots of women use it down there and it doesn’t burn like Nair.

Question: When you get a Brazilian, do they leave anything there, or is it completely bare?

Tammy says:

Jenn! I love your blog, finally someone writes a question we all wonder about 🙂 But I second the last person’s question – do you just have to get right-down naked down there? I’m assuming you would have to, and that would make me somewhat uncomfortable I think – your thoughts?

I’ve never done that, but have always been curious. Just don’t know if I could go to someone to do that! You’re braver than I!

Jessica says:

Wow. That’s for the insightful (albeit graphic) tutorial. My husband has “encouraged” me to do this but I haven’t been brave enough. I’m a wimp, plus I’m cheap. Not a good combination for the Brazilian.

Erin says:

I second Jessica. I’m a complete wimp. I want to be brave though. Maybe one day I will talk myself into doing it.

Thanks for the post!

Lurved this post! he he You tell it like it is – warts and all! Congrats on a fantastic, gorgeous, informative and very funny blog!

Jessica says:

Brazillian laser removal is the way to go. First you shave as best you can, then they laser you–not at all as painful as waxing or burning your skin with chemicals, then all the roots deep in your skin fall out and you are bare and rash free for 6-8 weeks. It’s fabulous and worth every penny. You can buy package deals and it’s cheaper. Everytime you do it the hair grows back less and finer. I totally recommend it.

Tara says:

I loved reading your blog. I found you from the Mormon mommy blogs.
Good luck on the contest.
We used to live in Austin, and my husband and I were married in the same place you guys were 🙂

Cheers

Natasha says:

You don’t need to use a razor to shave. An electric bikini razor can get very close and it’s not easy to cut yourself. Plus, there’s no red bumps.

Cascia says:

You are something else, Jennifer. I don’t think I would ever, ever even think about doing something like that. But obviously some women do! Your blog is very entertaining. Keep up the good work!

hahaha Jenn, I love you! Can’t wait til we can hang out this summer when we move to TX. I’ve always really WANTED to get a Brazilian but am scared out of my mind (oh the pain!)! I just need to bite the bullet and do it! I think I’ll work myself up to go in April when we move down there 🙂 after all, it will be swim season, so it’d be worth it!

Tina says:

Oh Jennifer, this post totally cracked me up. I think it’s your best so far. 🙂

I got my first Brazilian right after Thanksgiving. It wasn’t as excruciatingly painful as I thought it would be, and I’m definitely hooked on the results. I’ll be going every 6 weeks as long as I can afford it!

Love your blog!

Jessie Evans says:

This is something I’ve really wanted to try out, I guess I just need to find a good place in Utah.

Brooke says:

Very informative and very funny!! Even after 3 babies (the last w/ no drugs), this doesn’t sound like something I want to do 🙂 Good to know the difference between Brazilian and Playboy… I did not know that.

Rick Taylor says:

OK, not ultra-conservative–but I *am* family.

Funny post! I laughed out loud. I hope it hurt badly enough to make you think twice about doing it again. So there! (wink, wink)

You are an excellent writer…I would have been more graphic, myself–so good on ya for that!

I remember that experience! My second time going took only 20 minutes also. Brazilian is the way to go!

Fun Girl says:

I want to get a brazilian wax so bad! But, I live not so close to any place that would do it, plus I think I would chicken out at the last minute. Pulling hairs out down there=ouch!

Anonymous says:

It’s really not that bad. Just make sure you go to a good salon. I get mine done every 5 weeks. Plus I’m 9 mths pregnant and just had one 2 weeks ago. It’s fantastic! I love being clean down there and yes they take Everything off. Plus the more you do it the less it grows and the hair become really fine and soft. Not course like shaving. The only down side is the price. I pay $45 for mine. But I have decided it’s worth it. Plus it ramps up your sex life;)

From a male perspective I will say it makes things much more enjoyable during certain aspects of intimacy (trying to stay PG when I could definitely go R). Anyway, if you’re wondering about the “landing strip” it’s referring to leaving a small “strip” of hair above a woman’s vagina. I could get graphic but what lands on a “landing strip” ? yeah a plane. Men are comparing their members to planes and that area of a woman is the landing strip.

Anyway, great blog.

jennie w. says:

Just found your blog through Mormon Mommy Blogs. I live in Austin too! (Well, Cedar Park actually.) What salon do you go to? I’m haven’t gotten waxed down there yet, but I’d really like too. Shaving all the time sucks!

Vicky says:

Since I moved out from Brazil I always had a good laugh as to why this kind of wax is called a brazilian. In Brazil, if you live on the coast, you can go to the beach from Jan to Dec – I’m from Rio, talk from experience. As a Brazilian, I have wax done since I’m 13 – this is a necessity. But what is called “brazilian” abroad, I only came to know AFTER I left Brazil. In Brazil you only have “bikini wax”, and how much you want to remove is down to you – sorry, no intention of playing with words here. The “landing strip” and a bit more is usually left, never knew any of my friends who would bare it all. But the first time I went to a beautyt salon in the UK when I said “I’m Brazilian” the girl misunderstood and bare me completely. OOOUch!

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Hi! I’m Jennifer Borget

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I'm a former journalist, and lifelong creator striving to make the world a better place. This is the space where I share my journey in making the most of every day by cherishing our individuality and celebrating our differences.



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