As we waited for the illusionist show to start the announcer said they were playing one more game of BINGO, the winner would get $1000. My husband told me to get a card so I did. He thought it was free, it wasn’t. Sometimes my life feels like BINGO… A game of chance. It cost $20 for that BINGO card… We lost. And boy did it suck.
I woke up thinking of only one thing. I want a baby. It was almost as if a gravitational force was pulling my brain in the direction of ONLY baby thoughts. The Urge was back, and it wasn’t going away. Here I was in paradise, and I was nearly brought to tears every time I saw a small child.
“A Fun Day at Sea” is what Carnival cruise lines calls the days this ship doesn’t dock at an island and offers a plethora of food and activities on board. A schedule is placed on our bed the night before with an hour by hour list of things to do. Dancing, water fights, scrap booking, bear making, putting contests, basketball. We agreed on food, sleep, gym, dancing, and dodge ball. I was the only woman playing dodge ball but trust me, I represent.
When it was all said and done I had a lot of “thinking time” on those days at sea, and I think a lot. And when I think a lot and don’t have an outlet (ahem, such as blogging) I blurt it all out vocally.
I try not to bring all the baby talk up to the husband… He’s ridden my roller coaster ride of mind and mood swings a long long time and I try my best to keep my urges to myself. This part of the trip though, I couldn’t help it. Poor guy. Everything was “I want our kids to do this” or “think our kids will like that?” Then “When?…” “…Why not?” “How come?…” So much for romance and love talk.
One afternoon while I was basking in the sun on the ship, listening to the Caribbean music I glanced over and noticed a little boy, who couldn’t even have been two, dancing… More like bobbing or bouncing to the music. I see kids do this all the time but this was just the cutest thing. I had to get a hold of myself, I was turning into mush.
As we were laying there my wandering eyes veered off in another direction and I noticed another group of children. They looked to be between the ages of six and 10. And that’s when I was slapped in the face with another realization. My gaze paced back and forth between the toddler and the kids and I thought I don’t want that. The baby-Yes, toddler-Sure, but adolescents? I don’t think so.
All this time I’ve been googly-eyed over pregnant bellies and wobbly little ones, not kids that can talk back to me, argue with me, one day become teenagers and hate me, later forgive me then go away to college and leave me! I just graduated from college myself, I’m not ready to raise my own kid to grow up and go to college!
Ok, so this all happens in a span of 20 or so years but still! I can’t help but wonder if that’s why so many of my friends, and many of fellow blog friends have the urge for more… THE LITTLE ONES are the fun and cute ones! Once the others turn two or so it’s time for another infant! What’s up with that?!
I thought of all of these things as I watched the little dancing boy, his proud parents behind him, and the now gathering crowd cheering him on. Looking at the older kids playing in the pool I noticed their parents weren’t cheering them on, watching their tricks or even watching them with those adoring eyes. When does that transformation happen? It is like the child that begs for a puppy and loves it until it’s grown then begs for another PUPPY?
I closed my eyes and thought more about what I really wanted and what I was really ready for, and felt a slight sting of regret for bringing up the almost-too-often roller coaster discussion of childrearing.