The Transition

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When did this happen? It use to be when someone announced their pregnancy I was just glad it wasn’t me. Ok, it wasn’t that bad. Actually, it was more like rolling my eyes and thinking to myself: ‘Another one bites the dust.’ But that sentiment has since taken a one-eighty…

But on the other side of my spectrum it’s not all roses and butterflies either. It’s sadly also a bitter emotion… Jealousy.

When did this happen? I think I missed it… The transition from wanting a successful career more than anything else. From wanting a child (but not in the near future) to wanting a child NOW YESTERDAY. When did this happen?—HOW? What happened to me?!

I’ve had baby fever before. Yes, the bug has bit me, and then I built up an immunity towards it. But now I feel silly when I feel the aching in my stomach as I look at pictures of a newborn baby in her mother’s arms. What happened?!

How did I go from planning my future and goals of things to do with my husband to not wanting to do anything else but make a baby?.. To feeling a pit of depression every time another friend announces their pregnancy.

Who am I to feel that way? It’s not like I’ve been trying to have a child for months or years… Or ever. It’s not like I’m struggling with infertility, and wanting a child longer than all of my friends having children. Granted I have a right to feel this way too, but I seriously feel insane.

I wasn’t going to go for it… Try to bring a child into this world, until I knew I was sure. I couldn’t just try to “see what happens” because that would probably mean baby (yes, for people who don’t want it that’s what happens). To me, you either want it, and are trying, or you don’t try. But that didn’t mean I wasn’t expecting to feel a “maybe sortof” emotion for some time in between.

What happened to the middle ground? Wasn’t there suppose to be some transition here?… You know, don’t want a kid, sorta want a kid, wanting a kid more… more … ok for sure want a kid?

It’s like my maternal desire had been dormant for decades and all of a sudden it has awoken from the tomb inside me and has erupted like a massive volcano.

I’m trying to scrape the lava back inside me with a squeegee but it’s not working. I can’t contain it. I can’t deny it. I want a child, and I want it more than ever.

Can’t wait to get this part started!

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  1. I know exactly how you feel. I have been trying for four months and nothing has happened yet, and in the meantime, two of my sisters-in-law and another three people I know are now pregnant. I want to be happy for them, and I am, but happiness is not the first emotion that runs through my mind. Then I feel guilty for feeling jealous. Ugh. I’ve totally cried myself to sleep a few nights, which DEFINITELY isn’t the best way to alleviate stress in order to get pregnant.

  2. I can relate, but from a totally different aspect. Over these past few months I’ve been surrounded by friends having children, so far 3 boys and 2 girls. At the first sight of the baby pictures, a huge part of me melts and I’m swallowed by the fact that NOW is the perfect time to have one of my own. Then reality hits, I’m not nearly ready to give up the lifestyle I have with the man. We just are financially, emotionally, or even physically ready to put that a baby demand on our lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, we’re stable. I would rather spend my money on date nights, than diapers (cloth diapers are the way we are going) and formula.

    If you truly feel like you’re ready and willing to devote the time and love to a child, then do it! You would have such cute babies. Transitions are so cliche, you either do it or you don’t.

  3. Baby fever gets ‘worse’ (stronger) as you get older!

    If I could do it all again I’d start trying – or stop trying NOT to – at around 28. That way if you have trouble you at least wouldn’t have the time pressure of 35 rushing towards you.

  4. I am no help my friend…my emotions are all over the place on this topic, too. But I know what you mean about how it is sort of weird/scary/unexpected to sometimes feel an intense desire when a few weeks or days before you weren’t even sure. It’s an odd roller coaster! I chalk it up to hormones!

  5. Well I’ve never tried to become pregnant, thought I was once in life, but since then smooth sailing. Your 180 feelings are valid since you ARE on the path to mommyhood. Just own it and keep it at bay. Don’t become the crazy lady whose not pregnant yet. Clock your ovulation and jump hubby then, I’m sure he’ll be mega supportive.

  6. It’s worse the older you get and the longer you try…..tried 5 years no baby…last Dec. we adopted Samuel. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t come from my body…my life is complete now! God is so good.

  7. You are definitely not insane…unless I am too. 😉 I completely understand what you are describing!! That is ME to a T!! Every time I hear someone is pregnant, I am completely jealous and disappointed that it is not me…and we aren’t even TRYING YET! It makes no sense! So I completely know where you are coming from. It feels like I could have written this post!

  8. When I read your blog I feel like I’m looking back at my own self in the past. I went from not wanting to give up my party lifestyle to wanting a family seemingly overnight. When friends would tell me they were pregnant or starting to try for a family I would hope that I wouldn’t “catch” it (that pesky baby bug). Then one day I woke up and I could almost hear biological clock ticking away. It took a little more time to convince my husband lol

  9. I experienced just that..jealousy looking at pics of my friends w/ their newborns..just that intense LONGING!! And then the two pink lines appeared….& I’m excited! And happy! And FREAKIN’ STRESSED!! I traded one stress for the next: Have to eat the right things, exercise, but not too strenuously! Don’t lift this, DO do that..oh, no! What if one of my patients has something that could be dangerous to my baby??? Yeah, I’m a basket case now. But I won’t complain. ‘Cause I feel really lucky, really blessed, & really happy..when my head’s not spinning 🙂

  10. Well I’ll just say that be glad you’re not on my side of things. I’m only 19, never had a boyfriend, and have the baby fever BAD. And of course I want to wait until I’m married, and well let’s just say I am going to be really good at being patient by the time I actually have my first child.

  11. I remember feeling very upset when a friend announced that she was pregnant – and wished she weren’t! Whereas we had been trying for several months without success.
    On a related note, I was also upset when we found out Froglet was a boy. Even though I’d always wanted a daughter, I hadn’t thought I minded what the first baby would be until the doctor told us! It was quite a shock to find I had such a strong preference. Yes I know, should be glad he was healthy etc, and of course we were once I got used to the idea. (And then he wasn’t healthy, but that’s another story). By the time Nutmeg came along I wasn’t sure I’d know what to do with a girl though, and really didn’t mind what she was. All this to say you never know what your mind or body is suddenly going to spring on you – so don’t worry about it! 🙂

  12. I totally know what you are talking about…it is same with us. We dont want a baby right now and not trying but all of a sudden all of my friends are either expecting or just have a baby. All what we see is pictures of cute babies on mails, on social networking sites and then we feel inside is it time?
    And then again we think, No. Still miles to go before that and next day again…is it time?
    I think with time the confusion willl only grow…

    and yes when we are sure and not in two mind of is it right time… now or later?? Then is the right time. I will have it when i am sure 🙂

  13. Unfortunately I cannot relate. I was the rolling my eyes as everyone was popping up pregnant. I was the one telling people to stay out of my uterus as everyone wondered if I was pregnant yet. Then boom I became pregnant. I was so distraught at first since I never went through the transition, but eventually I came around and now cannot imagine life without my baby.

  14. I definitely went on a roller coaster of emotions as I was trying to feel ready to have a baby. I was still nervous when we decided to “flip on the switch” as you’d say 🙂 so I was kind of glad when it didn’t happen on the first try. But once I saw that little plus sign, there were no regrets. I say go for it – you’re never going to be 100% ready.

  15. LOL! Unless I’m crazy everyone who wants kids goes through this! I already have two and I still get a bit jealous when I hear another is pregnant. Don’t get me wrong. I’m incredibly happy for them because I know the joy that comes with being a parent but I want another little one so badly that I can’t help but get envious. One of these days I’ll be shouting “I’M PREGNANT!” again but until then I’ll just have to wait patiently.

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