The Talk Again
Alright, I didn’t think I could go back to my scheduled topics without updating my real current problem at hand… Ok, problem may be a little harsh, it feels that way but to be PC I’ll call it my dilemma.
You may have remembered “The Talk” from before… Well we have a lot of those lately. They basically all go the same way:
“Why not?” (tears)
“Cause my school, job… blah blah blah”
“Ok well maybe sooner rather than later”
“In two months?”
“Sure” (under the condition that he gets so far in school and gets a part-time job, which in this economy isn’t easy)
We actually had this exact conversation TWICE yesterday and when we got as far as:
He just started laughing at me and asked “Didn’t we just have this conversation?”
And it’s kind of the same cycle every month right now. I’m kind of just trying to keep my cool, and send our resumes for him in secret.
I did get so ticked that I applied to be an egg donor. ‘If I’m not having my kids someone might as well’ was my thinking process. And I’d get $7,000. I filled out all the forms but held the stamp after reading that in rare cases something will go wrong, my ovary will swell, nearly burst and possibly need to be removed. I was still in a state of belligerence, and completed the online portion of it anyway, but I decided to hold off on sending the mailed forms. The fact that my husband HATES the idea doesn’t help any. It actually makes me want to do it more.
I know I’m not
talking typing rationally, but it’s ok… I know I’m just a little upset, and when this all blows over I’ll come to my senses.
It’s just that I can’t help but feel like my invisible window of opportunity is closing. I have no way of knowing that it just feels that way. I hope I’m wrong, and that when we both feel right about it we’ll actually BE able to produce spawn. Oh we’d better be… Cause Lawd knows if it takes a year or two I will not be a happy wife… No Siree, not after waiting five years.
Then again I kind of blame myself. Why in the world did I get an IUD? I did this on purpose. When I got it at 20 years old I thought ‘I won’t want to start trying until I’m at least 25’ stick it in me! Who knew three years later I’d be plotting away to get it out. I can’t help but feel like it would be SO much easier if I didn’t have to plan a whole ordeal to get it out. It’s a lot easier to stop taking a pack of pills.
Oh… Someone asked me how I got it since I didn’t have any kids… I don’t think it’s a requirement, just a doctor preference, I’ve had my checked a bunch and it’s still in there just fine 🙂
Anyway, I’m about to go to the dentist, one of my before baby makin’ must do’s. So while my husband is lollygagging around, and getting his shiz together to feel “ready” to make a baby, I’m one by one, crossing of things on my baby bucket list… And hopefully, sometime this year, we’ll meet on the same page.
It occurred to me after your last post…you will hit that magic 5 year mark this December, right? But even if you got pregnant this month you wouldn’t be due until Dec/Jan… That’s one of the beautiful things about babies, is that they take a while to bake before they’re ready to come out and join the family. Also, it’s pretty unusual that a couple gets pregnant on the first month of ‘trying’. 3-6months is much more common (unless she’s charting her fertility, then yeah, 1-2m is more common, LOL!)
Anyway, obviously he’s not feeling quite what you are at this point, but I’d think about a couple of things:
1–getting the IUD removed isn’t a commitment to anything yet–you can still do the pill for a month or two, or plain old barriers/spermicides.
2–tell him you’d like to pray about it together. Marital discord is never a good thing, and I find prayer is always helpful–ask God to either help him have a change of heart, or help you be patient. Either way, it’s bound to help.
I totally agree with Mommy Bee on both 1 and 2. Not much else to say except I definitely think the 9 month gestation period is the perfect amount of time for people to warm up to little ones. All those check-ups and ultrasounds and heartbeat-hearings will make anyone turn to mush about seeing their little one. This is God’s gift to families, I believe.
I haven’t known you or your blog very long but the more I learn about you and your husband I can tell your beyond ready. And he just sounds scared to me. Do you have another couple who’s husband he could trust to talk to about how men are NEVER ready, and seemingly really don’t get there till that one magical day they bond with their child. It took my husband a couple months after my daughter was born to suddenly realize he was up for the job. Is there anyway you could set up a little informal get together? Make sure you’ve talked to the other wife or even the husband about it. Tell them you’re not trying to set a lynch mob on your husband but that you just want another man to affirm that having a kid IS HUGE and that he probably wasn’t ready either. It might help him if he hears it from another man that he’s just going to have to take a leap of faith that he will enjoy it but waiting till he’s ready and all the factors are in place are only excuses.
Thats just a thought because hearing it over and over from you is just a broken record playing in his head. Hearing it from another man might help him relate. Another thing I wanted to mention was, unless the child is completely cute, quiet, not snotty, sick, or hyper in anyway, don’t bring another person’s kid around your husband and try to convince him that wouldn’t it be great to have one of those. And try to keep your friends and family from doing the same. My bro-in-law kept doing that to us with his wild child kids and all it did was made us wait longer. The crazy kids of other parents are only good reasons for birth control for non-parents.
Oh, and what’s up with Anon’s list above? Wham bam, no thank you SPAM!
I don’t htink you can become convinced to have children when you tens omeone else’s children, if they are older! Because if they are your own it’s totally different, you were there when they were cute little babies. There is no way I would tend someone’s 5 and 3 year old to help me determine if we should start having kids, it would push me away for sure.
We are on the same page as you Jen…conversation, then tears! Maybe Cory and Brian should talk about it. Na, never mind, they will stay in their state of mind if they do that!
I must say you are very young and you do have tons of time. Have fun now! I’m 41 and although I wish I had started a little earlier, I am glad I waited so I could have some fun too.
And the IUD is not an issue….
ps…what the heck does all that mean that ANONYMOUS said? HUH?
Anyway…best of luck.
My husband and I are having a similar conversation. We originally planned on this fall to start trying, but then he started talking about waiting until next year, which made me want to try sooner. The more I talked about trying now, the longer he wanted to wait. So, now we’re back to fall, unless I can convince him otherwise;) I will say it’s a wonderful feeling when you are both on the same page. If you get pregnant and only one is really ready, then yes, by the time the baby comes, you’re typically both excited, but those first few months when you should be thrilled and completely beside yourself are a little marred because one partner is not completely thrilled, one is trying to come to terms with the fact that they’re having a baby they are not quite sure they were ready to have and the other is a little upset because their partner is not as excited. Best to pray about it and wait.
Does he see your side of it at all? I’m not there and don’t know you personally, so I don’t know for sure, but from what you written about the situation, he sounds very selfish. Try to get him to see things from your perspective.
Is anonymous getting crafty LOL
I can see that you’re ready, as for Hubby well in my opinion not many men are ever ready for a child, it’s like their job is the hardest, like they’ll carry the child for 9 months, give birth and take care of it.
I tell you mine was ready, but for a while he really thought his job of making a baby was tougher than mine of carrying it and giving birth and all else 🙂
I wish you luck, I hope very soon you’ll be pregnant and even happier than now 🙂
Did you know that IUD’s are cost effective after the first year? So if you feel stuck with it, just know you’ve already got your money’s worth.
What if you suggested “not preventing but not trying” to your husband? Maybe he’d be on board with that?
I’m sorry, Jenn…I did have to do some leg-pulling with Dill but not nearly as much as you’ve been doing. Like I said…challenge him to pray about it.
I say you have the IUD removed and let Heavenly Father do his work as he sees fit! =)
Though, Mr. Valentine tricked me into our second baby (I was not on board with that one). He wanted two very close together. Now I’m happy with the outcome though.
I’m not sure how close you are to a temple but maybe you should consider making a trip to one. Honestly, we can give you advice all day long but Heavenly Father already knows exactly what you should do and if it’s time he will know what and how to make it known to your husband. If it’s not time then he will make that known to you. We are blessed to have the ability to enter the Lord’s house and converse with him through prayer. If, there is not a temple close then maybe try a fast. It’s another way to communicate to Heavenly Father how much we are willing to sacrifice in order to receive his help. Another thing is since General Conference is coming up, you and your husband should be sure to pay special attention to it. I find that there is always something that I need to hear during Conference, something to comfort me and answer my prayers when I need it most.
I feel sorry for you. That is really hard to want a baby and not be able to have one. I will say from experience that every time I got pregnant it was the “worst” possible time. Meaning husband still ;in school, loss of job,not making enough money etc…However every time we where blessed with a way to overcome. Almost every time he would get a raise out of nowhere or something like that. When you follow heavenly fathers commandments you are blessed. We had 3 kids before he even graduated. He worked full time and went to school full time and I stayed home and I am happy we didn’t wait. I would start praying for him to not be so scared. Good Luck.
I have 3 young children ages 7, 6 and 4. The last 8 years have been wonderful but very tiring. I could tell you stories but I have a feeling you have heard most of them 🙂
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Your baby time will come. Try and be patient (I know this isn’t easy).
I just had the talk with my husband last night. I was super surprised he opened up the way he did. He said he isn’t ready for another one right now because he loves the two we have so much and feels bad for them. The world and economy are so unstable right now he doesn’t feel like it’s responsible for us to bring more kids into it. I told him of a family I read about. They were two young newly-wed college students. They just purchased an appartment and money was really tight. They had their lives all maped out and knew when they would start having kids except for one thing. Both of the started having the feeling that they needed to have their kids right now. This was totally against there better judgement but the feeling just wouldn’t go away. They couldn’t financially provide for kids right now…not even themselves! It got to the point they knew they needed to give in to the feeling and had baby number one. Money became even more tight and life got a heck of a lot more complicated. This happend two more times. Three kids born before they even had planned to be ready to start having kids. Not to far away from her hubby’s graduation she had a serious medical issue that sent her to the E.R. After she recovered they told her that she wouldn’t be able to have any more kids. She and her husband knew immediatly that if they didn’t head to God’s will and have their kids on his timetable instead of theirs they would never have had there three beautiful children. Telling my husband this story made him really start thinking that maybe we should be having our kids now because even though times are tough we might not have the chance at a future date. I asked him to pray about it and I’m praying fervently myself. I sure hope his heart and soul are open to Heavenly Father’s will and that Heavenly Father’s will is for us to have kids now ;o). Best wishes for you! Trust in God and all will end well!
I read most of the comments on your previous post and was intrigued by the number of women who said that even though their husbands were ready for kids, it wasn’t until the baby was actually born that they warmed up to the idea of having a child.
Maybe it’s a guy thing?
On the other hand, I personally feel like all this pressure to have a kid may not be a good thing. Sure, it’s very healthy to talk about it, but if he’s honestly wanting to wait (even if it’s just a few months), then all that pressure is just going to make you feel angry and make him feel angry too.
Besides, you’re healthy, you’re young, and you have a solid job that can support a family, and in time, things will probably get even better seeing as how good at your job you are, so I don’t think your window of opportunity’s as small as you feel.
I was just reading all the comments above, it’s nice to have support from other women/bloggers out there when we are at a road block; but I would think that you should take your time and continue your talks with your husband. It is a lot harder for men then women to see themselves as parents sometimes..and they do not have that internal/external clock ticking. Whaterver age you are when you have your child is fine as long as the baby and you are healthy at the end; so take your time and do go to the dentist, I know far too well how pregnancy can wreck your teeth.
Take care and I’ll be reading you
I didn’t realize you were still in your early 20s. That’s good! In that case, I’d have to agree with the comment above that you are still very young. (Not that you want to hear that.) I was married at 23, pregnant six months later during my second year of law school, and am now 32 with three kids. I wish I would have waited a few years before I started my family. None of my friends had children yet and I didn’t have a community like this to lean on. It was very tough and there were plenty of times when I even felt like I was not “old enough” to handle it all.
I also agree that you should pray about it. Pray that he’ll be ready and that God will speak to him about it. I sometimes find that with if you “pressure” men too much they have the tendency to push further away. Maybe have one more conversation about it in a few days and tell him you want to just have a pressure free heart to heart and discuss concrete but realistic milestones. Then leave it alone for a few months.
If he’s unwilling to discuss it, just take out the IUD. (Probably not the best advice but in tough times, a girl’s sometimes has to get tough.)
When my dear wife and I decided we wanted children we switch birth control as well to bring down the hormone levels etc. We went from Depo to pills. My wife actually dropped 10 pounds 😀
This is always the hardest talk. My husband and I were always switching sides on this. One minute I was ready and he wasn’t and then he got that way. When it was time we were both on the same page and it has felt really good when we finally had our kids. I hope that you guys figure out when it will happen. The lord will help, but you know that. 😉