“Just do it” That’s a phrase I’ve been hearing from some of my friends and new bloggy friends recently regarding my “up phase” toward parenting (well besides Thursday’s post because I’m really not looking forward to lack of sleep).
To be honest I wish it were that easy. I wish I could just give in and say “ok here we go!” but it’s not that simple. Lately I’ve been the one that’s had the desire to sprout. There have been times when I’ve felt this way and told my husband, then the next day I’ve changed my mind and I’m swearing it’s going to be another decade. He’s pretty much immune to my constant reconsideration’s and indecisiveness. There’s been times where it’s come down to “ok now?” and I’ve chickened out. Now I’m just trying not to be a tease–Not imply anything unless I’m serious. –I’m finding this extremely challenging. I’m turning into the boy who calls wolf… No, I think I already am. Now how do I get myself out of this predicament. Or a better question: How am I sure I won’t just chicken out again?
Of course the decision isn’t all mine, however I’m just blogging about my side of the decision. I can’t speak for hubby here but I do know he’d prefer to be done with school and know what he’s going to do for a living. He’s also not buying my “up phases” right now. It must seem like I can’t be serious if I’ve been “serious” before but not really. I don’t think I’m going to bring it up anymore… Ok, but it’s so hard! I can’t help it, I mean look at this blog for heaven’s sake!
Part of me really wants to see how far I can go before I have children. I’m only 23! And a kid is kind of permanent, I mean, it’s not like I can send it back to the pound! I honestly worry if I do it now I’ll regret it. But at the same time, what the heck is keeping me? It use to be the picture of a shiny new Lexus but now that I know that’s never going to happen…
Then another side of me really just feels READY. 100%, without a doubt, ready. I don’t know why, it’s not how I imagined things to be. It just feels right. And when I stop and think about it the only thing holding me, personally, back is things I want… Yea, it’s selfish, but this is the last periof of my life where I’m allowed to be selfish so why not? I also feel a little bored sometimes… Wouldn’t spawn spice things up?
Did I mention I have a countdown? Ok, I don’t really, but that’s a good idea, I may start one now. A countdown for TTC time?… Eeew, I don’t like the way that sounds. I’ll have to think of a better phrase than that. Maybe: “A Baby Makin’ countdown.” That’s more like it!… Though a little more direct and informal it flows of the tongue better. I wonder if some baby counter site has a countdown with a picture of a sperm swimming closer and closer to the egg, that’s what I need now! Hmmm. But we’ll see. No rush right? Besides, have you seen my baby bucket list lately? I’m slacking. And I’ve still got 2-years worth of birth control stuck up in my uterus.
But my question today is… Is it selfish to have a child before you’re able to give it a stable home? For instance, if maybe one parent isn’t quite done with school, or has no clue what they want to do for a living. Or if you’re getting by fine now but you know in a few years things could be a lot better/easier/stable. Is it better to have all of that situated first, even if you REALLY want a kid? Hmmm.