The Sex Natzi

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You know that commercial that goes: “When you’re ready to have a baby, nine months is long enough to wait?” Well, they fail to mention 1. That is actually more like 10 months and 2. All the waiting beforehand!

There are a few technicalities I’m trying to work out during the next few months, before turning the Baby Makin’ Machine “on” and into full-gear–But in the mean time, I’m planning my strategy–Sketching my blueprints–Setting the table–for when it’s All Systems Go.

…You think I’m kidding? I’m planning a little D B Day of my own over here and there’s going to be no excuses for not following my rules.

If he only knew what I have in store, he’d sleep with one eye open. I’ve already got plans for a few pair of underwear that just aint gonna make the cut. That’s right– Any undies that are the slightest bit tight… Gotta go! Can have any tighty-whities hurting the team.

Speaking of the team–Forget saving electricity. It’s hot in Texas, and desperate times call for desperate measures… We’re not sacrificing the swimmers for a cheaper electric bill.–And you’d better believe I’ll turn the hot water off if I have to. Hunni likes to take a hot bath every now and then but that little habit has gotta go too.

Peas? “NO you can’t eat that, what are you THINKING?!” …We hardly eat them, but you’d better believe they’re out of our diet for the next–Until I’m pregnant. Take the vitamin hun… I’m already taking one everyday, ’bout time he starts too.

Now’s the time I also thank the Lord my hunni’s not a biker… Cause I’d hate to make him quit a hobby.

And when my temperature shoots up and it’s time to rock and roll…The dog is going to his own room and the house WILL be on lock-down. And I may just have to bust out those newlywed handcuffs again.

It’s sad. Because I know if pregnancy just happened… I’d live with it. But knowing that I’m actually going to have to WORK for this makes me nervous. What if I fail? If it takes awhile? I know they say it does for most people but that’s just not fair. People who want to, have to wait. And people who don’t want to, get it anyway?

What if my Baby Makin’ Machine is broken–And this whole time, all these years I just had no idea? Not. Fair. Every single month of failure will be TORTUROUS!

…I know stress can make things harder too… Perhaps that’s a good excuse to get a spa massage daily during this process. And should I get one of these?

I promise I will NOT take fertility for granted. I’ve met my fair share of women struggling and who have struggled and my heart aches for them just reading and hearing about their stories. If I’m faced with the same challenge I worry I won’t be as strong.

Having a baby isn’t something I’ve wanted or admitted until very recently. Now it’s practically all I can think about. Yea, I go back and forth a little still, but deep down I know there’s a looming “yes” underneath all of my doubts.

I’m already tracking and researching… My sweet husband, when it’s time to turn the Baby Makin’ Machine “ON”… Poor guy’s not going to know what hit him.

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  1. Hey there, FM 🙂

    You stopped by my blog a little while ago, and just wanted to return the favour!

    Sounds like you’re one determined lady – I know you’ll get there eventually. Motherhood comes in many different ways and can take its time, but in the end, it’ll be worth the wait.

    Also, thought you might like to check out a blog I’ve been reading for years: . It’s written by a very funny and intelligent woman called Julie, who writes about infertility, pregnancy and motherhood. Definitely worth a look!

    Best wishes for your happiness,


  2. LOL! You really ARE almost ready. I’m so glad I caught your blog BEFORE the great “lift off”. So excited for the coming months, and even more excited because your blog will be so essential when its my turn 😉

    and as the saying goes, “No sweat, no victory”. Cheers to steamy nights in TX.

    Have a fab day hun.


  3. This is soo funny. My hubby always enjoyed the times when I was “trying” no amount of fatigue, no headache, no body ache would keep me off of him. It may be work for you with all the planning but its gonna be pure fun for him. thanks for stopping by my blog.

  4. So your husband has to stop eating peas and taking hot baths, and you get massages. That sounds fair to me ; )

    Have fun!

  5. Ha! I am right there with you! It’s crazy how the baby fever gets you! And I love that you are as OCD as I am. Let me know what you think works and what I can skip… my baby making machine should be ready to go here in about year.

    Oh, and thanks for stopping by!

  6. Good luck! Hubby and I have been trying since April. I know that’s not a long time, but you’re right, every month there’s only one line on that stupid little test is torture.

  7. YAY! I was waiting for this post, hehe. Good luck and congratulations!

    Just make sure you don’t actually *wait* until the temp shifts, because that means ovulation is gone and past. it’s the most infertile you are all cycle! You are most fertile 3 days before ovulation, and the day of. (so the 4 days BEFORE the temp rises.) Your best bet is to just do the baby dance whenever you see fertile cervical fluid, then you can chill once your temp rises and “enjoy” your two week wait!

    I’m sure you know this, because I’ve heard you mention reading TCOYF on here, and it explains it all. There are just so many women who think that the temperature rising means they are now fertile, when really it means the fertile period is over! Then perfectly healthy fertile women go months without conceiving and can’t figure out what’s wrong with them 🙂

  8. My head hurts from all the pressure you are unnecessarily putting on yourself. Creating a life is suppose to be an enjoyable experience. You are turning this beautiful experience into a torture chamber. Why? No eating peas, no hot showers? Are you serious, I pray to the heavens you were kidding. I think its absolutely wonderful you want to have a baby; similar to the wedding before the marriage, I’d like to encourage you not to put too much emphasis on the process that you don’t enjoy the reason behind the process. If you are meant to physically have a child, you will. And if you’re body does not cooperate, there is a beautiful child someone where waiting for all the love you and your husband have to give. I’m adopted; my biological mother had me at 15. God loved me so much He gave my adopted parents to me. My prayer for you is that you will relax and enjoy the ride. You’re going to be an awesome mother, and no amount of planning will add to that or take it away. Hugs and blessings.

  9. I just found your blog via twitter and I think you’re hilarious! I’m enjoying it thoroughly. Good luck the next few months. I do hope it happens quickly for you. I took me 18 months of “trying” with my first and hardly any time at all with my second and now we’ve been “trying” for almost a year for our third. It’s so true when people tell you to relax and enjoy.I swear being uptight clogs everything up. While trying with my first I actually had friends ask me if I was having sex. I always replied ” I knew I was forgetting something!!” And also, don’t let “trying” take the fun out of your sex life. It can become a chore and not fun after while. Enjoy your hubby and *do* take out the fun handcuffs again. Who knows, maybe one day you can embarrass your child by telling them that handcuffs were involved in their conception. *wink*

  10. LOL – There is definitely a baby in the making over here! My hubby and I tried for almost a year and had two miscarriages. The best piece of advice I received was to put my feet up on the wall immediately after sex. Yes, while still in the bed, put your head on a pillow and relax with your feet up on the wall. I forgot for how long, but girrrl, it worked…shortly thereafter, I was pregnant! Put that one on your list (lol).

  11. Jen you crack me up! When DH and I stopped trying is when I got pregnant! Oh, and thanks for suggesting I switch to Firefox – it works now (obviously) 🙂

  12. I wouldn’t say ‘poor husband’…i’m sure he’ll be ok with it!! mine always was and here we are 3 kids later! i love your plan!! too funny!! can’t wait to hear what happens once that machine is on!

  13. Hey, girl! I read your blog all the time (since the beginning), but I don’t think I’ve posted a comment except maybe once…. ? Just wanted to let you know that I look forward to each of your entries because your outlook on babymakin’ is so different and interesting. 🙂

    Kristin mentioned this earlier – but don’t wait till your temperature rises to start getting it on or you’ve already missed your opportunity! What sucks about ovulation is that for the most part you can’t tell when you’re going to ovulate until AFTER it’s already happened. Blah.

    I thought it was funny in one of your early blogs, you said something about “natural family planning” that was really funny. You said something to the effect of, “Can’t you just have sex every day and that’ll cover your bases?” LOL – that is SO much harder than it sounds.

    Anyways, you probably don’t know my situation, but my husband and I have been *trying* for 5 years. I didn’t start seeing an infertility specialist until 7 months ago, though. Still not pregnant. It really can get stressful if you think you can control the whole process. So, I’ve had to learn to have EXTREME faith in the Lord… knowing that HE KNOWS when the best time would be for me to have a baby, so why should I question His timing? I should be thankful each month, no matter the outcome…. because HE KNOWS.

    But anyways, I hope when you are ready, things work out for you! You deserve it, for sure.

    P.S. – I wish you had come over more often to get your hair braided. I’m like soooo good at it now. I’ve had years of practice! If you’re ever back in Utah County and need some ‘rows, let me know! ha ha… 🙂

  14. I’m just waiting for tomorrow’s post, when you’ve changed your mind already! 🙂

    Kidding. My thoughts will be with you and the hubby when the right time is here.

  15. A regular pillow under your hips will keep everything in pretty well…(honestly just staying in bed will…avoid going to the bathroom or showering or anything that involves standing upright for 30 min).
    If you both work on having a healthy diet, I have actually never seen any real proof that one food or another is pro-conception or anti-conception. I’ve always eaten peas, and given my history I seem to conceive quite readily (I just don’t always carry to term, but that has nothing to do with conception!)
    Unless his sperm count is low, the undies or hot baths are not likely to really make a difference. Sure, avoid them during the week or two before and during your fertile time, but hey, you’re typically only fertile about 3-5 days a month, so outside of those days (especially during your post-ovulation/luteal phase) he can have as hot a bath as he wants. Any affected swimmers would be long-gone before fertile times came again 😉

    And ya know, when you get all uptight about ttc, well, it takes all the fun out of sex. Unless you have reasons to believe that there are fertility issues, I think it’s usually best to just do the deed a lot and not sweat the other stuff. 😉

  16. I think its great you researched it all, but if you are truly like this, the sex will not be fun. Do you really want to look back and think that your child was conceived because you were regimenting everything?

    I agree with Mommy Bee, unless there is a problem, don’t over do it. You will just be putting too much pressure on yourself and your husband. And that much pressure truly makes it hard to have sex after awhile. It’s no fun. Just have fun with it. If it happens, it was meant to happen. If not, then you can go onto your ‘regimine’ of being a sex nazi.

  17. Oh my that is my life right now. ALL I think about for 24 HOURS a day! LoL don’t think it will stop until I get that baby in there!! Check out my summer bucket list on my blog today!! You will like it. By the way I am totally envious of your blog and all that you have accomplished with it. I wish mine was even half of what yours is:)

  18. I stopped by your blog earlier this morning and was thinking “I don’t even want to read it. I don’t have any babies, so what do I know about a baby making machine!” *pouting* Then I read your comment on my blog and you said you found me on SITS and I came back to read and bit more, and… WooHoo! I love your blog, from the colors to the fact that your baby is your wrinkly and has four legs!

    I will be here often 😉

  19. Feed the man some Zinc everyday. It’s supposed to help but the effects of anything you do won’t ‘show up’ in his ‘critter supply’ for 3 months so start it now.

    Good luck!

  20. LOL! Get it girl! Ima put hubby on a better diet 3 months prior to TTCing so he can have good, healthy, strong sperm to meet my healthy, strong egg (hopefully lol). Hopefully he wont mind as the baby dancing will be much more spontaneous and uninhibited (woo hoo!) lol.

  21. I doubt you fail at much, sweetie. I am sure you that once your time comes with kids, you’ll be just like Moms like me everywhere…happy, but wondering what the hell you were thinking when you decided to get pregnant.



  22. OK so you don’t KNOW? When can you find out? I KNOW..I could probably read back and find out but hey…
    I’m following now so I’ll know in the future.

  23. We goats don’t think too much about kids. We go into heat, we stand for the buck if we can stand him. Then we pop out the kid(s). But then again we don’t think much period….

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Blogging goats are going to take over the world!

  24. oh my gosh! I love this post. i’ve been nannying for four years, and i have seen the good, bad and the ugly. let me know if you have any questions! haha or just want to hear some hilarious stories. 🙂

  25. You are Hilarious! I’ve read your post before…I have like 5 friends in the same boat as you…I’m going to forward them your blog!
    I have one 2.5 year old and I STILL feel sorry for my Shih-Poo, Delia! She was the princess of the house but was quickly dethroned when that occupied Graco Seat come into the house…LOL!! So give Snoop Lots and Lots of PreBaby Love! ;O)
    Can’t wait for more updates…Thanks for stopping by today!! XOXO, Kristen

  26. Funny stuff! Lol. I say enjoy your journey towards pregnancy…I think it’s one of the most fun/scary times in a couple’s relationship.

    I hear you about wanting to throw out some tighty whiteys just in case 🙂 LOL! I did the SAME thing 🙂

  27. We have now been trying for 10 months – after about a million months on birth control. I can’t believe I used to worry about getting pregnant. Now all I can do is worry about why it isn’t happening. I haven’t gone into all out planning mode, but its starting. The testing, the temp taking, the handcuffs. All of it. I told hubby to get ready, because when its time, I don’t care if he’s horny. He is doin it!

  28. Hey lady and thanks for stopping by my blog!

    I have a lot of the same fears as you do – and although my hubs and I are nowhere near ready for kids (aside from the furry kind!) it’s definitely in my thoughts.

    Will definitely be checking back here. Hope all is well!

  29. I was a total sex nazi until I gave up on wanting to procreate anymore. I figured spouse was getting too old, what with him being, last year, 42. Then of course, come august we got the second line on the “why am I late” test. Go Team Snapdragon!
    Enjoy it, hon.

  30. Tag Your It 😛 I tagged you on my blog if you want to play along

    I am kind of jealous actually, I was just starting research when poof, preggo. I was looking forward to the planning and telling people we are trying and I mist it.

  31. Hi, just stopping by to say thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. I am glad I did, what a great, funny post! My husband and I don’t have any children. I never thought I wanted any but lately I have been thinking about it more. There is something about being over 30 (33 now!) that makes a person start to think about these things!

  32. Hello there future mama!
    I have to say that is something I am feeling as well. My husband and I have been trying for 2 yrs+ now, we dont even think about it anymore as it just gets really frustrating when it comes to planning and all that jazz.

    Thanks for following my blog, your looks extremely professional and organize! I am loving it and reading more of youre old post.

  33. Hey, fellow Austinite!

    I will be in the baby-making arena sooner rather than later (if my body cooperates)… so we are somewhat in the same boat! I’ll happily read the tips and advice you get.

    Thanks for stopping by 🙂

  34. Hey FM! That was a great post. It’s great that you are not going to take your fertility for granted like so many of us do/did. It’s great that you are preparing yourself in advance that it might not just happen and that you’re taking steps to make sure you and hubby is healthy. Good for you!

    But no you do not need one of those under the knee cushions *LOl* Maybe if you’ve had problems for years you’d be willing to try anything. 🙂

    Thanks for the follow. I look forward to reading more of your posts. 🙂

  35. Girl! You are too cute! was my best friend. I charted there for three months before we wanted to start trying and then the first time we tried. . . score!

    We did the put your legs up thing, too. Don’t know if it made a difference or not, but really I agree with what someone said above: relax. My real BFF put way too much pressure on herself and it took her 3 years.

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. We think he is super cute, too. But we’re in no way biased;-)

  36. This post is hilarious!!! I seriously thought I might cry from laughing so hard.

    Thanks for the Firefox tip. That seems to have fixed my problems!!

  37. Future Mama,

    If you read this I would appreciate you acknowledging in the future the point that I am about to make.

    You have repeatedly said that pregnancy “is actually like 10 months.” Let’s do the math. There are 40 weeks in pregnancy or 280 days. The first two weeks are 100% normal because they start at ovulation before conception. That means you have 266 days from conception to due date. That means that pregnancy is less than 9 months. I think of it as about 8 months because 99% of the people don’t even have any symptoms or think about for the first week or two after conception.

    I am sure this is the straw that will push you over the edge and will give you the courage to start a family. (I just knocked off 20% of pregnancy for free.)

    I enjoy reading your blog but would appreciate it if you never mentioned the “pregnancy is 10 months” concept again.

  38. When hubby and I started “trying”, I laid the no hot baths for two weeks prior to and during prime time on him. He seriously would take a hot bath every single day otherwise, and actually, I hear the water running in the bathroom now…lol. Also, limited bike riding and shared with him the bunches of dos and dont’s to enhance conception. Well girly, though I shared the info with him casually and didn’t say you must not do xyz,just provided info to him, the approach didn’t go over so well because it placed too much pressure and stress on him. Also, there were times when prime time was around and we’d miss the most optimal days because of various unplanned reasons, which really frustrated me. Almost got me frustrated for knowing as much as I do.

    My advice, just enjoy it. Track your cycle for a few months so that you know your body and are familiar with when Prime Time is. Fertility Friend is great for this. If you send me an email, I’ll send you a link to my fertility friend chart and we can compare notes. But, after sharing what the most optimal baby making conditions are with hubby, don’t stress hubby with rules and regulations. I hear so many stories of people trying for months and when they give up actively trying, that is when they become pregnant.

  39. Men think they can handle all the love we throw their way and more but once that bun is in the oven I tell you this: Nothing prepares them for the hot-blooded vixen you will become (after the initial couple of ‘stay away from me there’s puke on my cheek’ months). Then he will have a hard time keeping up with YOUR libido. These men should be careful what they wish for. They have no clue.

    My best, Lynn

  40. Good luck with all the plans but I have to echo some other posters when they say to take it easy. I think my husband was more stressed out about us getting pregnant than I was! I hated to see him like that because that can really take the fun out of things.

    I was determined not to overthink things until after 6 months (since they say that if it takes a year there might be a problem). The first month we actually were in the “window” and 1.5 months after I stopped taking BCP I turned up pregnant. So glad I didn’t stress myself to death for nothing. It might happen faster than you would even imagine.

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