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The “Secret” Dilemma

I know this is dumb… REALLY dumb, but the more I think about officially TTC and possibly getting pregnant sometime in the maybe, could-be, possibly near future, I’m wondering the order of “sharing the news.”

See, here’s the thing. Of course I’ll tell my husband first… In fact I’ve already decided a REALLY fun way I’m going to tell him (I’m so excited about it). I’d have to tell my BFFs Shannon and Gina right away too… Maybe even before I tell my husband.

Then I think we’ll keep the good news a secret between us for awhile to let it soak in and stuff… In my perfect world I’m thinking maybe a few weeks at most, then here’s the order I’d like to tell people:

1. Our immediate families: Parents, siblings, grandparents.

2. Twitter friends (actually I may even tell them before family… Like, as the pee is drying on the stick. Sorry).

3. My 3 closest work friends and swear them to secrecy.

4. On my blog here and on my Conceive blog.. And swear my other work friends who read it (I think one or two) to secrecy as well.

5. Other family… Uncles, Aunts, everyone who hasn’t heard through the grapevine.

Then when I’m past the first trimester and less likely to miscarry I’ll tell the others I wouldn’t want to tell earlier:

6. Close church friends, other friends on my cell phone list, people I’m close enough with to share the news… I’d probably put it on my personal blog too by then (no one reads it anymore though).

7. I may hint to it on facebook… I actually have a fun way I’ve planned to do this as well. But most likely people will probably just find out as I’m posting belly pictures. Or maybe I’ll shout “I’M PREGNANT” after 4 months or so. I just don’t want to be inconsiderate to people who maybe have been trying awhile.

After it’s obvious:

8. Other work friends. I don’t think I’ll tell everyone at work until people start asking.. Which actually, in a news place, word can spread VERY fast. So I’m going to try to keep it a secret as long as possible (I’m thinking until I’m about 4 months or so) I’d like to be showing before I start telling people there. Not sure why… It’s weird to imagine myself all pregnant on TV. And if your a working woman you may understand the sort of fear of maternity leave thing.

If it were up to my husband we’d find out… Wait at least three months before telling anyone, and then only tell family. We wouldn’t tell people on facebook and I wouldn’t write about it on my blog… Ok he’d let me write about it but he says not for three months. UGH!

Can I just tell you that’s NOT happening? I think he’s a suffer in silence kind of guy but if I suffered the tragedy of a miscarriage I wouldn’t want to do it alone. If I write about an early pregnancy here and then (God forbid) lose my baby, I think I’d rather have the support of other women who have been through the same thing rather than never tell anyone. BUT… That’s why I’d wait awhile to tell people on Facebook and what not… Not everyone catches every update.

The only down side is I can’t blog about it before we tell family… I’m sure my husband’s family would kill us… While they don’t read my blog daily, his family is big enough to where SOMEONE somewhere is reading, and it would quickly travel back through the grapevine.

That’s a little hard for me because I feel like I’ve been blogging about this whole decision to (or not to) have a baby… Then getting ready for TTC, then you obviously know when I start TTC, then I’m sure I’ll be blogging about my first two week wait… Then what? Nothing? If Aunt Flow ignores my letters and comes back then I’ll blog about that but if she eventually listens.. I dunno, it may get a little quiet around here or something. I’m not good at keeping secrets so that’ll be difficult.

My family, I know doesn’t read my blog, but I’m sure that would be a sucky way for any family to find out (which, a similar situation has happened before but we won’t go into that).

So what do I do? Hold it in until we tell family even if it’s MONTHS?! Hopefully I can convince him otherwise, but this is definitely one of those things we’ll have to agree on. What would I blog about all of that time? If I dropped hints would you catch them?

What order did you tell people?


Kristi says:

I’ve always wondered about this. With all this technology, I feel that some people tell the “secret” too soon.

Now that I’ve said that, since you are writing this blog (which I love by the way) specifically on this topic, I feel you get an exception. 🙂 You are writing about your life experience, what happens, happens. And we, your followers, will be here for you whatever that is. 🙂

TopHat says:

I told my parents in law first- I peed on a stick in their bathroom at a family reunion, but I asked them not to tell DH’s siblings. Then I called my parents. Then I announced it on Facebook. Then I made a special announcement on my blog at 3 months. That was when the siblings found out. I never told my ward- they figured it out. Plus I was put in Primary as pianist, so I never saw the “expectant mothers” list until the day after I was due to even put myself on the list! My neighbor didn’t know until I was 7 months along!

karmapearl says:

I have been pregnant twice, my first pregnancy ending in miscarriage. I told my husband first, obviously, and then we told our families directly after finding out. After all of the families were privvy to the big news, we told our friends, and made our internet announcements. I am glad that we told with our first pregnancy, because when we lost the baby the support we received was really overwhelming and wonderful. I knew this time around that if we had lost this one as well, it would have been the same thing…

Plus I have a really huge mouth and just couldn’t keep it a secret. 🙂

I think Hubby first, and go with your instincts after that. If you’re sick (hope not) you may have to tell work and family sooner. I was sick, sick, sick with my first and had to come into work late and called in sick a lot. So, just go with what comes naturally.

Cascia says:

Sounds like you have a great plan. I never really had a plan on who I was going to tell and when during my pregnancies. Good luck sticking with it.

Mom of Three says:

I know the “maternity leave” fear. Although it’s supposed to be protected, I feel that you could get flagged as a “baby-makin risk” to the big boys. Not everywhere is like that, and not every boss is stupid about it either. But I know the nervousness. You will be fine – o beloved broadcaster! 🙂

Jess says:

lol but ummm will you put a lil + on your chart 😛 ill be stalking twitter all day everyday oh oh & guess what friday is the day for the test! I make my first ever vlog with my phone HAHAHA 😉 either way it’ll be up on my blog but I may either email or DM you first with the news since its all your fault HAHA

Emily B says:

My husband and I kept it to ourselves, until we lost the baby at 10.5 weeks. Then we told a few close friends and my family what had happened.

For us it was a pleasure to have such a big secret to ourselves… We wanted the chance to enjoy that happiness together for a time before sharing the news.

Then when we lost the baby we both really needed to talk to other people about it, and sharing the story helped. We still haven’t told my husband’s family about the loss though. Maybe if/when we have a pregnancy that ‘sticks’ we will tell them about what happened.

One thing that helps keep the big secret or get support is talking about it on a forum… I was on a pregnancy forum (a ‘birth club’ for my due month), and then later a forum for coping with miscarriage. I use babycentre.ca but there are lots of forums out there. It’s nice to talk to other women who are in exactly the same boat as you are – whether it’s pregnancy gripes or questions, or miscarriage grief or questions.

Mallory says:

I am probably the worst secret keeper in the whole world. So, naturally, we told everyone practically the day we found out. Well, parents first, then siblings, then everyone else.

SnoozanK says:

I adamantly believe that you tell NO ONE except your partner until your medical people tell you that you are in the clear and no problems. You will have less stress, less constant unsolicited advice and questions, and no one to have to tell bad news if things don’t work out well. For most people this means about 12 weeks. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant are not guaranteed. Sometimes I worry about you in that it seems like you assume everything is just going to fall into place. NO ttc, pregancy, l&d and parenting are the same–and I think to some extent you’re setting yourself up for disappointment on some levels.

Get a copy of the book “taking charge of your fertility” and read it cover to cover. Start charting your cycles. This book is an amazing resource for all women whether they are trying to conceive or trying to avoid conceiving or having other problems with their girl parts.

Good luck.

Palmer's says:

I only told my husband, parents and his parents before I went to the Dr. You are in a little bit of a diff situation but I didn’t want to tell anyone that I would want to know if I miscarried of something. Good luck though – I think everyone has to do what is right for them. Some want to shout as soon as the pee is dry other wait forever .. you have to decide what works best for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND!

Jenna says:

Hmmm … well, I wanted to wait until 8 or 9 weeks to tell with this one, but I couldn’t keep it a secret because I was too sick! It was really obvious, unfortunately. So that might happen to you, too.

We kept it secret for the first trimester, from everyone. With the second, as we’d been trying quite a while (hadn’t told family though), we let our homegroup know after 8 weeks – they’d been praying for us – but otherwise kept it quiet for 12.
I felt that if I were to miscarry I’d rather be able to tell people that I had a miscarriage if I felt like telling them, rather than having to because they were asking about the pregnancy. I think we would do the same again if we had a third.

(My f-i-l rather annoyingly guessed that we were expecting both times before we told them, saying that he thought so to my m-i-l about two weeks previous).

I am like you – I think I’d just be so excited I couldn’t keep it in! I mean, I am already semi jealous of all of my friends that are getting pregnant, I want to be there too! But it would be fun to have a few weeks (or days) having it just between my husband and I so we could get excited together and have a fun little secret for a while.

You have really put some thought into this!

I shared the news early all 3 times. The first two ended in miscarriage, and I was so glad to have the love and support around me.

I told husband, family, best friends, blog… then other friends and co-workers.
I didn’t post on facebook and myspace until 14 weeks. (this was the only hard part the first time I miscarried… you don’t want to post a facebook status that says “miscarrying… leave me alone!”
Can’t wait to catch the hints you drop!

Summer says:

With our first, I think I told BFF first. Sisters next, Husband after them.

Then we went to lunch and called everyone on our cell phone address list. =) We were way to excited to keep it a secret!!!

milftobe says:

We couldn’t keep it in! I couldn’t even wait to think of a creative and cute way to tell the husband, I ran out of the bathroom and blurted it out. Then we called our parents/siblings/grandparents. Then we called our close friends. Then after the 1st doctor appt (at 8 weeks), we told twitter/facebook. We didn’t wait at all, haha. We just couldn’t!

Good luck 🙂
Emily @ Baby Dickey

Shop Girl* says:

I think about this a lot… we’re not even trying for kids yet, but I’m a planner. haha!

I know that my Hubs would be the first person I told, he’d probably be in the bathroom with me waiting for the stick to change. haha! After that, MAYBE my mom, but probably no one until I’m through the first trimester. But that’s just me–I’d rather wait until everything is good to go before telling the world. 🙂

Emily says:

I too have thought about my “order” of telling people and how I would tell people. I have a hard time with this, too. I know how I want to tell hubby, although I see myself being so excited that I just burst out and tell him. Then I would tell my parents and then his parents. Then this is where I get stuck. My close co-workers know that we’re going to TTC in September and I KNOW they are going to be asking how it’s going. Same with my close friends. I know I’ll have to tell my BFF right away. The problem with work is that I’m a teacher…to 1st graders… When is it appropriate to tell such young students? Also, since I’m a teacher, GOSSIP is HUGE at my school. So, I want to make sure the parents of my students don’t find out through the grapevine, but I don’t want to tell 1st graders too soon. Ahhh!! It’s hard to know…

Sarah says:

I say “hint” to it on blog if you feel like you can’t hold it in…but ideally wait until family is told. I’ve thought about this too and decided I would wait until 3 months at least to tell anyone at all. I actually want to wait 4 months, if I can hide it physically. I figure the longer I wait, the less time people have to wait for baby once they find out. I guess I like this idea because I am SUPER impatient and HATE waiting for things like a baby 🙂 Do whatever feels right for YOU!

S says:

Pfft, I’m not telling anyone until I can’t hide it anymore or I can’t keep it to myself anymore. I’ll tell my husband, but I LOVE having a secret that only the two of us know. However, I know I won’t be able to keep it to myself long. I want to tell my parents in some creative way (like a puzzle or a riddle) just to annnoy them :).

BlackAngel says:

I don’t know that I could keep it a secret. My ttc is just shared online. Of course hubby knows. I told my mom in a letter, but now incase I fail I kinda wish I’d kept it from her. I don’t want to be the pity case in the family. But as far as a bfp… I’d have to blab. First hubby, then the net… Then family, simply because I’m on the net daily and I talk to the family every now and again. I can’t hold it in for months!!! LoL!

Jen

Josie says:

So I already wrote this once, in fact it was comment #6, but my computer… we wont go there! :0 Anyway, I was thinking about you when I was trying to wake up this morning and I thought- “she should do a post about how long to wait to tell people!” We must be on some weird secret ESP wave length! 🙂 ANyway, next time I get pregnant im waiting until I know what it is to tell…. wish me luck with that one! 🙂

With my first, I think I had text everyone in my phone right after the stick dried. I called my husband, then my family while he called his. It couldn’t have been more than a couple hours after we found out that everyone knew.

With our miscarriages, I didn’t tell anyone but my best friends and my husband. I just barely told family and it has been over a year since the first one and almost a year since the second.

Do what feels right for you! If you wait until the second trimester, good for you! But don’t tell everyone because everyone you know tells early. It’s your baby, and it’s your business to tell.

MaryRC says:

i have a sister in law and a friend who both wait until like 6 months before they go public… no way i coulda done that..

found you on sits, have a great day!

Aurelia says:

I’m not preg yet but when the time comes we’ll just tell immediate family at 8 weeks and then then tell friends on facebook (I have a plan for that too) at 10 or 12 weeks and everyone else around the same time. I’m pretty sure I will have to tell a few of my besties though – the ones who I know will keep a secret or who aren’t part of my main group of friends. I don’t think its a big deal telling people earlier if you both agree. But deciding when and who to tell is the least of my worries – we’re divided on the finding out the gender issue! I want to and he doesn’t :I

Joanna says:

You do realize that if you miss a few days of blogging due to life’s business everyone will think you’re pregnant. Good luck!

Stopping by from SITS.

Just dropping by from SITS to leave some comment love! ♥

With my first, I told my husband before anyone else (he was actually the one who bought me the pregnancy test because he “suspected” and was right on target!). I wanted to wait until after we’d seen the baby on ultrasound and confirmed the sex (so that I’d have TWO bits of good news to share at once), so we let everyone else know (family members, friends) when I was 18 weeks along. It was A LONG time to wait, though, and it was difficult evading questions when everyone knew how sick I was (suffered extreme morning sickness the whole time).

With my second, I once again told hubby first (called him at work to shriek the news to him, LOL!), then alerted my online friends since many of them were wondering if I’d gotten a BFP or not. This time I waited until 8 weeks, then HAD to spill the news to my sister and mother. At around 10 weeks DH’s family came to visit so I pretty much couldn’t hide the news from them anymore – everyone else had to wait until I was 12 weeks along before I officially spilled the news. I know lots of women choose to be cautious and wait until further into the second trimester to tell, but I just couldn’t help myself!

Good luck with your decision!

Whoa, youve put so much thought into this. I just waited til people started eyeing my belly and giving me sideways glances. hahaha

Natalie says:

I’m with you, I will want to tell everyone. I tell everyone everything anyway.

Oh, I would tell your HR dept. right away though, they can help you figure out maternity leave and what you qualify for. I don’t know — that’s just what I’ve heard.

LeNesha says:

Ok, you are too cute!!! Hmmm, the decisions of secrecy and telling the world are hard, especially with your bloggy buddies who are just itching for the big news. So, Hubby would have to be the first official person you share news with. I’ll look for hints on your blog…hehe…and put clues together.

Hmmm, when I was preggos, I wasn’t into social media. I think I just told family as I saw them and casually mentioned it to others when I felt the time was right.

Oh and P.S. I’m with Joanne who said “You do realize that if you miss a few days of blogging due to life’s business everyone will think you’re pregnant.”

BlackAngel says:

I don’t know that I could keep it a secret. My ttc is just shared online. Of course hubby knows. I told my mom in a letter, but now incase I fail I kinda wish I’d kept it from her. I don’t want to be the pity case in the family. But as far as a bfp… I’d have to blab. First hubby, then the net… Then family, simply because I’m on the net daily and I talk to the family every now and again. I can’t hold it in for months!!! LoL!

Jen

Aurelia says:

I’m not preg yet but when the time comes we’ll just tell immediate family at 8 weeks and then then tell friends on facebook (I have a plan for that too) at 10 or 12 weeks and everyone else around the same time. I’m pretty sure I will have to tell a few of my besties though – the ones who I know will keep a secret or who aren’t part of my main group of friends. I don’t think its a big deal telling people earlier if you both agree. But deciding when and who to tell is the least of my worries – we’re divided on the finding out the gender issue! I want to and he doesn’t :I

I am like you – I think I’d just be so excited I couldn’t keep it in! I mean, I am already semi jealous of all of my friends that are getting pregnant, I want to be there too! But it would be fun to have a few weeks (or days) having it just between my husband and I so we could get excited together and have a fun little secret for a while.

SnoozanK says:

I adamantly believe that you tell NO ONE except your partner until your medical people tell you that you are in the clear and no problems. You will have less stress, less constant unsolicited advice and questions, and no one to have to tell bad news if things don’t work out well. For most people this means about 12 weeks. Getting pregnant and staying pregnant are not guaranteed. Sometimes I worry about you in that it seems like you assume everything is just going to fall into place. NO ttc, pregancy, l&d and parenting are the same–and I think to some extent you’re setting yourself up for disappointment on some levels.

Get a copy of the book “taking charge of your fertility” and read it cover to cover. Start charting your cycles. This book is an amazing resource for all women whether they are trying to conceive or trying to avoid conceiving or having other problems with their girl parts.

Good luck.

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Hi! I’m Jennifer Borget

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I'm a former journalist, and lifelong creator striving to make the world a better place. This is the space where I share my journey in making the most of every day by cherishing our individuality and celebrating our differences.



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