The Scary Regret

I try to live my life with no regrets. From time to time there are little things I wish I didn’t say or do, but overall, I don’t have (m)any major regrets. That’s not to say things haven’t been difficult. Thinking about how we bought our condo just a year and a half before a major recession and housing crisis doesn’t give my stomach the best feeling, but we felt good about it. I have to keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. Luckily we found a great renter, and we’re praying she’ll stay another year.

Moving half-way across the country wasn’t easy. Sometimes we miss our family and friends, and wonder why we left… But I know if we didn’t move here I’d be complaining about the snow, and wondering worlds of “what ifs” about moving. And I’m actually liking Austin… A lot. I think I could actually make this place home.

I’ve never regretted getting married when I did. In fact, I think that was probably the best decision I’ve made in my life. I was young, two weeks short of my 19th birthday, but I knew that I was not making a mistake.

Now I’m approaching life’s next stage, one of the final stages of adulthood…Parenting, and I can’t help but think about all of the timing questions and what I’ll think after–Years after. Everyone always says “it’ll change your life” I know that… That’s part of the reason why you choose to take that step. Many people then say “…But I wouldn’t trade [baby name] for the world.” I’m so glad that’s the case, I’d feel bad if you regretted your decision. But occasionally I do get the response “If I could do it over and get the same children I probably would have waited longer,” and that is what scares me. Hindsight is great when it comes to things you’ll have a chance to do over… But going from being a non-parent to being a parent is kind of a one-time thing. So the only reasonable solution I can think of is learning from the wise.

Only once has someone told me “If I could do it over I wouldn’t have waited as long to have children.” If my memory serves me correctly he had had several kids, all were grown, but apparently he and his wife waited a few years.

I LOVE all of the time I’m getting to spend with my Boo right now. He makes me breakfast, when I come home for lunch he’s making me something yummy, and dinner time we’ll eat together and watch a favorite TV show or movie. We’ve never got to spend as much time together as we do now, (though our first year of marriage we took four classes together and that was probably pretty close) and I’m realizing this fun quality time at home and little cheap outings around town is just as treasured as the fun big trips (which we don’t get to do often anyway). What’s one more person joining in on the fun?

While I’m really enjoying our pre-parenting stage of life, and not stressing about our future as much, I do wonder… Will I regret waiting or not waiting? Five, ten or fifteen years from now, will I look back and think “I could have waited longer?” And what do I want for my children? Do I want my little girls to grow up, get married and have babies when they’re still young themselves? Or do I wish for them minds off boys, instead focusing successful careers and bettering themselves? Whatever it is, shouldn’t I at least give myself that same advice?

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  1. I think that either way, waiting or not it is going to change your life. My husband and myself wanted to have a baby, and got pregnant, and then the week before she was born started freaking out, wanting to turn back time. I now do not want to turn back time, but in the moment it is pretty amazing and scary! All the things that you could do on a whim (going out to get ice cream, going to hang out with friends, having girl time) all of those things are not as easily done. It may be easier since you live in TX and it doesn’t usually snow there but it still is not as easy as it is for you now. But in retrospect you have a little life that you get to love. And you get to play with her/him and it’s amazing. So are the little things that big of a deal? Probably not. Is it still scary heck ya it is!

    Okay enough from my crazy little brain.

    Have a great day!

  2. You said when you bought your condo, you felt right about it. Same with getting married young. Well, if you “feel right” about having kids when the time comes, you won’t regret that decision, either.

    It’s hard to make that leap, but remember: if it’s right, you won’t ever regret it.

  3. I think that’s probably one of my husbands biggest fears when we have kids…not having me to himself and being able to go somewhere spontaneously. This weekend he decided he wants to go to somewhere. If we had a kid it would be a lot more work to plan and prepare for that. I think for us another big reason we are waiting is because he is in the military. Although his deployments aren’t that long (he’s lucky!) he does go more frequently and he is constantly gone training somewhere. In April we will celebrate our 4th Anniversary. If you count the amount of time he has been away training/deployed he’s been gone for about 1.5 years of our marriage. So we really have only lived together for 2.5 years. Crazy! I think he wants more time with just me before we bring a baby into the mix.

  4. I think it is so strange that you (any many others) struggle with this life decision so much. I’m not sure if I even thought twice about it. I knew I wanted a family. I didn’t see a need to wait after I got married. My husband felt the same way, and so we jumped right into the family way! I don’t regret it. There are times that are hard. But you are going to find that in marriage anyway. I think it has actually helped my husband and I get to know each other better, because when you have a kid you are totally exposed. The hormones of pregnancy and breastfeeding, etc are so strong that you can’t hide any part of you. But, you are in it all together, so you learn to deal and adjust.

    I don’t wish I had waited longer. I feel like my purpose in life is to raise a family. The only thing I needed before I could do that was a hubby. Once I got a hubby, there was no need to wait.

  5. I agree with Jenna. We waited 4 years to have our beautiful angel, my wife got what she wanted, a girl. And as pay back, she’s beautiful, but looks completely like me 😛 The time will indeed “feel right”. It did with us, it will with you. Talk to God about it. He’ll let you both know. Keep keeping on 🙂

  6. I don’t think timing is going to alter the “type” of children you get. I believe God is going to give you what you get when He wants to give it…and you know what they say…He won’t give you something you can’t handle!

  7. I had a similar post to this on my blog last week. It was regarding one of my “what if” questions in my life. I am in my last year in college and delivered my daughter 2 days after the start of my classes. Balancing school and my newborn proved to be a very hard task and when asked I would sometimes say, “If I knew then what I know now I would have done it differently.” Well while putting my daughter to bed one night I received the answer to what would have been had I in fact waited. Needless to say, I have no regrets now and I’m extremely grateful that we choose to have our first child when we did.

    It’s different for everyone but as other’s have said, You’ll know when it’s right for you.

  8. I with you on the regrets thing. For me, it’s with marriage. I’ve told Wayne since we began talking about marriage that I wanted to wait until I graduated from college. Two years later, and half-way through college, I’m starting to wonder if I should really wait. Will I regret waiting those two extra years? Or even one extra year? Would we be able to make it in this economy as newlyweds with part-time jobs and college fees? There’s the practical versus the heart.

  9. I know I said this to you on twitter but I totally do not regret having my kids. I was 25 when my son was born and I have no desire to have waited even another minute. 🙂 Only you can know if you are ready but really there is nothing better than having kids. 🙂 Oh and I tagged you!! 🙂 Come and pick it up.

  10. Because I have allowed Father’s Plan to be my plan regarding children (up until right now, at least) I have no regrets about the timing of of my children. I can imagine wishing that I’d found my hubby sooner… but then, I’m super glad I did the things I did before we met! So, can’t regret it too much.

    As for children… I have to hope that they will be VERY in tune with Father and follow His Path for them. I hope my daughters (only have girls so far) will serve missions, get married, and continue to better themselves through personal/university studies as well as marriage and children. If the Degree happens before children by Father’s Will (as with me), then awesome. If not, awesome too!

    Before I was married I thought I had done a good job at cultivating patience within myself. My husband proved me wrong. Before we had children I thought he’d pushed me to my limits. My children have proved me wrong. Progressing (and I TRULY believe most people cannot progress adequately without the blessing and trial of their own family) continues by leaps and bounds, as we apply ourselves and allow the Atonement to work in us, when we have children – in a way that no one can adequately explain no matter how hard they may try.

  11. I think you think too much! Just love every stage of life and don’t worry about the next. Especially don’t’ worry about your children and if they marry young! I have a few friends that I see who are loving every stage of their life. One friend had a D&C in September, and adopted a little boy in November. She is now pregnant with twins, due in October…they will have 3 children under the age of one, and they are loving life! (Granted I think they are getting help from mom and dad, but still they are such a great example. They are just happy, not stressing!) I want to be more like that.

  12. I married at 18 and had my first baby at 19. I’m glad I made the decision I did and wouldn’t change anything if I had the chance. For the first year or two I did wonder but now I know everything has been turning out perfectly. Sometimes we can’t wait. Sometimes our children in Heaven are ready to come RIGHT NOW! Not tomorrow or even next year but NOW! I think preparing yourself for a career is a good idea. Especially if you want to become a mom. You should always have something to fall back on just in case. I do believe that our families are more important than our careers though. Yes we need to be able to provide for our family but when everything is said and done would you have rather spent your free time at work or with your family that you love? Hope your day is well!

  13. I don’t regret having my children, but I have to admit that I sometimes think about my life if I would not have these little girls. I did get the chance to play with my husband for a whole summer when my mother took my daughter (the other one was not born yet).. We did not know what to do with ourselves after a while and really missed her company.
    It’s like my grandmother always tells me, “a chaque age son etape” which means ” at each age it’stage in life”
    Take Care

  14. I too have heard the “I would have waited”. Now, having waited 9+ years, sometimes I secretly wonder if I’ll regret waiting so long. However, like you, I felt right about when we married, felt right about when we bought our house, and felt right about when we started trying. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: personal revelation is where it’s at!)

    All my siblings had children in their very early 20’s. They’ll be done in their early 40’s and I’ll just be settling in. Instead, we took the opportunity to get an education and to travel as much as possible. I feel that Time has given us a very solid foundation in our marriage and that the adjustment from 2 to 3+ might just be a little easier because of that.

  15. I was 19 when my husband and I got married too. I never looked back. From the moment I saw him I thought he would be special in my life and I was all in when we got married. Lots of people thought I must be pregnant to get married that young or that fast (we got married 1 year and 3 days to the day of our first date) but no I was jsut in love and still am. We were married 9 years this past March 18th.

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