The SAHM Pt. 2

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Ok I’m changing the beginning of this post because of the last sudden ANONYMOUS comment I got on my last post. I don’t like to respond in the comments section because I’m not sure everyone would be able to see it so I’ll respond at the top of this post. The following was the anonymous comment (they left another one after but I’m just posting the first one):

“Honestly. I want to give you credit for having the nerve to even post something so ludicrous.
You don’t BUY it? Give me a break.
A whole blog to decide if you want a baby or not? You know you aren’t going to do it right now. So, just stop talking about it every day before you do decide to do it. Come talk to us when your pregnant and then when you’re a working or WAHM or SAHM.
Until then, your opinion of being a SAHM doesn’t matter.”

Ok first off… Ouch. Really? You’re going to come and tell me my opinion doesn’t matter on my OWN blog? And who is “us?” Well thanks… But apparently not many others agree with you. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with trying to plan before hand and actually asking mothers experiencing things I may one day experience how they handle it. I’m completely honest here and I’m sorry if that offends you but in my post I point blank said I welcomed disagreements because “I’M OPEN TO BEING WRONG” so sheesh… don’t get offended lady! Obviously you have a little insecurity or something because I’m not saying I know everything, I’m just stating my opinion. Take a chill pill! I also didn’t just say I didn’t “buy it” I asked what was so hard about it… And if you noticed, several women actually answered the question on “what is the hardest part about it” rather than just bashing me. Plus, you said you agreed with Jacyee… Well guess what? She has 6 KIDS! Four of them are quadruplets… I’m not saying that’s not a dang hard job! And I can understand her for being a little ticked about my post ;o)

Oh… and several people in the comments section said they love being stay at home moms and it’s not as stressful as some people make it out to be… I really think it comes down to the person... And YES… maybe one day when I have kids my mind will change completely and I’ll do a 180 and think “wow… this is a lot harder than I thought, put be back to work” but that’s the fun of this blog… it’s a “journey” my journal of expression, and if you’ve read any other posts you’d realize that I change my mind often :o)

Ok… sorry do go off on a tangent people, I just wanted to get that out of the way. Has anyone else dealt with meanies? I see why people moderate their comments now. I never thought I’d want to erase a comment but yeesh! Anyway… Back to the show:

You all have been great in my quest to determine why being a SAHM is so difficult, by leaving responses here. I’ve baby sat for a woman a few times who is a stay at home mother. She always seems slightly stressed or uptight when I go over to her house. Seeing the way she interacted with her children was always endearing and interesting to me, but seeing what she puts herself through just made me think “I couldn’t do it.” At least not like that.

I think some of the same women who said things like “if my husband would watch the kids instead of watching TV yea, maybe he could be a stay at home dad” are some of the ones who also maybe, possibly, put too much pressure on themselves at home (but who am I to assume?).

I have however witnessed so many women (especially while I lived in Utah) who felt like their house had to be put together neatly at all times. The kids had to be cleaned up after almost immediately, the rules and regulations in the home were strict, and so were the schedules. It made me want to just grab them by the shoulders and say “it’s going to be O.K. calm down!” I imagine if I’m going to do it my husband will have to clean up the mess we all make when he gets home from work… (Hey, whatever keeps me from taking Xanex, ok?) But really, I’m not a neat person anyway, so maybe that’s why I feel that way. I can’t imagine being my messy self then having a messy bunch of spawn on top of that!

By all means, if cleaning and cooking is what makes you happy go for it, but if being at home with MY children turns out to be extremely stressful, perhaps some rearranging should be done.

My grandmother is in her 50s and she looks AMAZING! I asked her how she hardly has wrinkles and she told me: “I don’t stress.” And she gave me some advice I don’t think I’ll ever forget… “If you have a problem you don’t like, fix it, and if you can’t fix it, get over it. Because stressing is only going to give you wrinkles.”

There really are so many women out in the world who would LOVE to be at home with their children but can’t afford to. Regardless if it’s the world’s hardest job or not… If it’s a job you got to choose then it’s a privilege. It may not pay monetarily but if the rumors are true, you’re rewarded in much better ways.

If I ever have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom I hope I can remember this lighthearted advice I’m giving right now… And can really embrace it and make the most of it. I imagine it would be easy to get bored (with one) and go crazy (with several) but I hope that I can keep the cheerful spirit I have now and enjoy that time with my kids (and not eat my words).

I hopefully will at least get three months at home with the first and get a taste of SAHM life… Then I’LL be the one to judge if it’s REALLY all that hard ;o) especially compared to a job like I have now, or worse… A job like I have now PLUS being a mom 24/7.

But regardless, I’m sure it’s all not peaches and creme, I know it’s 24/7, and really… I’m not trying to downplay it. Just trying to get a feel for what it’s really like for you, in all honesty.

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  1. I like that you consider that you’re giving advice, considering the fact that you don’t have children.

    Don’t stress? Right. Tell me that when you have kids.

    And it’s not always a CHOICE to be a SAHM. Some women cannot afford child care. Some women don’t have family to watch their children while they work. Not all women have chosen to put their careers and degrees in front of having a family and won’t get paid enough to go to work.

    Not all women are you – so stop acting as if your talking for all mothers out there!

  2. It is definitely something you have to experience for yourself. And I don’t keep a very clean house, just because it isn’t worth it. It’s messed up 10 minutes later and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. But I keep it “uncluttered”. That way it looks pretty good, but I don’t feel completely bombarded when it gets super messy.

    But you are rewarded for being a SAHM. But one of the big drawbacks is when you work for a boss, most times you get complimented on a job well done. Being a SAHM, you don’t.

  3. @Anonymous… wow, you make it sound like you really love your SAHM job. Thanks for the advice. And no… Please don’t unsubscribe to my posts, NO, no…no no no! I’m going to cry… WAaaaahh!… I absolutely love commenter’s like you who just bash my blog.

  4. Came over after seeing your posts on twitter about a blog hater! lol

    I read both blogs that you posted about being a SAHM. I’m not sure what to say. I didn’t comment to the first, because I really didn’t have any “nice” to say. Not that what I had to say was awful, I just didn’t agree with what you had to say.

    I will say that I feel as if you tried to make it sound like SAHMs should consider themselves lucky that they don’t have a 40hr a week job on top of being a mom. I feel like you were very cocky. That’s just me though. I didn’t say anything simply because you aren’t a mom yet and you don’t know how it will be, so your opinions are just that. Opinions based on assumptions.

    However, I feel maybe you did judge the women who say it’s the hardest job ever. I do think it’s the hardest job ever for a list of reasons. Not because of the stuff I do around the house or with my kids, although that does add to it.

    I also think that this post (especially the comment back to the hater, why feed into them??) sounded very cocky. Especially the “several thousands of visitors” comment.

    Anyway, aside from all of that. Very cute picture. 🙂

  5. So this is what I think (I know you’ve been waiting for it).
    1.) Jen is not speaking for all mothers. She’s never said that. She’s speaking for herself, her feelings, her beliefs. So you (anonymous) obviously are missing the point of this blog.
    2.) This blog helps me a ton. I am a married women, no children, and it is nice to know someone else grapples with the same conflicting emotions that I have about being a Mom. I have seen my sisters and many other women go through depression as a SAHM, and I have always worried that would happen to me. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, but sometimes, it’s really hard. Jen knows that, we know that, and that’s why she asks for advice of those who do know.
    3.) I think the hardest thing about being a SAHM that I’ve heard is the lack of appreciation. You can tell by the hater comments that you guys really need to be complimented more often.
    4.) The truth is being a mom is hard. Working, staying at home, either way, it’s hard.
    5.) I do agree with Jen that being at home is easier than having a full time job AND being a mother. Hello! It’s two things. I am NOT saying being a SAHM is not hard, it is. But can’t something be a little-bit harder?

    That’s all from me.

    Love you Jen,

    And Thanks.

  6. Just to add to what I said in my last comment:

    Being a SAHM IS the hardest job, because those women take it upon themselves to raise their children correctly. If the kids don’t turn out right, guess who gets all the blame? Not the nanny, not the daycare worker, not the grandma/aunt/grandpa/godfather…the stay-at-home-MOM.

    Seriously, even though she is only 17 months, my daughter copies everything I do. If I sit on the couch and watch TV, she does it. If I eat a snack in my bedroom, she eats a snack in hers. I comb my hair, she combs hers. I answer my phone, she finds her play phone and answers it! She literally emulates my every move. Talk about pressure. I know no one’s perfect, but you sure wish you were when your kids start acting like you! Haha.

    Sure, the cleaning, housekeeping, feeding, etc., might not be as difficult as a full-time job that requires a degree. But I think that’s all relative, too. For some, it might be. But you know what IS hard? Teaching kids. It’s emotionally draining and requires a ton of patience. This can really push people to the brink, especially the perfectionists. They don’t want to see their own flesh and blood fail. Each child you add to your family brings their own challenges and strengths. The joy in motherhood comes from watching your children overcome their challenges and maximize their potential. The heartache comes when they cannot overcome their challenges.

  7. I hate anonymous commentators who don’t have anything useful to say. I think Future Mama is just asking people for advice and giving advice in turn. I personally find this blog very interesting seeing as I am in a similar situation. Making such a life changing decision isn’t easy and there are a ton of doubts and fears that come up when thinking about. I wish there was a guy out there that blogged about his fears of becoming a dad so my husband could read it. I can see how someone would find being a SAHM an easy job and I can see how it can be hard. My mother raised myself and 4 siblings and also ran a full time daycare. For 7 years of my life there were at least 9 kids in my house and you better believe I did my fair share of diaper changing, house cleaning, and cooking. I think being a SAHM is a cushy “job”. You can sit in your PJs all day if you want. You can pick your schedule. It’s not always the most fun or the most rewarding job but at least you know who is raising your kids. I personally don’t know if I will be a SAHM or not. Luckily when I finish Pharmacy School I can pretty much set my own schedule and work part time if I have to or want to.

  8. Eek! Anonymous needs to stay the heck off this blog because this is a great blog that does NOT deserve haters! Way to go Jen (referring to your great post). I love this blog and I feel like I am on this journey with ya since I don’t yet have kids myself. Negative posters need to GET. A. LIFE. !!!!!!!!!

  9. I think one thing that we can deduce from your thoughts and all of these comments is that we (without spawn) have no idea what motherhood is like and it is a surprise for everyone! So the fact that you’re thinking about it a lot and talking and trying to learn what it’s really like is commendable. Maybe anonymous should have thought about it a bit before she had the kids that have made her a bitter betty. Keep posting, I love reading everything because you and I are in the same shoes.

  10. Anonymous & Jaycee,

    I’m sorry that you are not content in your life. I pray that you will both find happiness, peace, and comfort.

  11. The thing is, they aren’t NOT content in their life. It’s just the way your two posts have come off is saying that even though you don’t know what it’s like, it couldn’t possibly be that hard. It’s like saying that someone who is working a job you never had could not have it as rough as you.

    I love your blog, but these two posts have been really hard to stomach. I can completely understand finding out information about being a mom and pregnancy and things, but try to see yourself in some of these SAHM’s shoes. They are already underappreciated, as all moms are, and now you are trying to downplay what they do for a living. What if one of them told you that what you do isn’t a hard job and you should never complain about it? Why do you think more moms are on antidepressants than any other ‘profession’? It isn’t just post partum that takes it out of you. You deal with kids that drive you crazy everyday, and you love them more than anything, but they never say thank you, and they don’t listen, and when they do listen, it is always when you are doing something you don’t want them to ever do. It’s emotionally, mentally, and physically draining.

    I truly don’t want to sound mean, and if I did, I am so sorry. But read over your last two posts as if you were a SAHM. Wouldn’t you be a little incensed that someone that has no children is trying to downplay what you do?

  12. Okay, sorry for my many comments. Since I started reading this blog a few days ago, I’m hooked.
    Okay, so in my opinion being a SAHM is hard work but rewarding work. At first I didn’t think it’d be tough at all. But after a year, I could use the vacation hours that I don’t have built up (cause you don’t get paid or vacations, etc) For me, it’s a more difficult job than working full time – it doesn’t end. There is always someone needing you without many breaks. But it’s rewarding to see your kids grow and change, etc. The most difficult time is when your husband gets home from his long day and wants your attention – and all you want is a break cause you’ve been a mommy all day.
    Regarding Anonymous: I think Anonymous needs to make her own blog about her own feelings and see how many people want to follow along.

  13. LOL Anonymous is sure a lot on your blog considering she doesn’t like it 🙂

    As I’ve said before you’ll have your own experience not all women are the same, for some it works better this way and for some the other way.

    For me and my family it works better for me to be a SAHM and I wouldn’t change it 🙂

  14. On the one hand it’s true, you can’t fully understand quite what it’s like until you’ve been there yourself…with that said, just because you haven’t been there doesn’t mean you’re totally clueless. Jennifer-the-future-mama has a bunch of younger siblings, she’s babysat–she’s not totally ignorant. (I say this as an oldest child who is now a SAHM, and yes, the little siblings and babysitting *did* help me prepare for it.) Sometimes it’s easier to see things clearly from the outside–that’s why people go to marriage counseling. I don’t think it’s out of line for Jenn to offer advice–particularly when she follows it with “I hope I can remember this when I’m at that stage.” If you don’t like her advice, then don’t follow it. Geeze.

    Regardless of where someone is in the present moment, I have more respect for someone who is open to learning and changing than for someone who is stuck in their mindset. Life IS a journey. There’s not very much that is black and white.

    I disallowed anonymous comments on my blog about a year ago. I don’t mind if people disagree with me, but they have to be civil, and they have to be willing to stick their name (or pseudonym) there alongside their comment. Honestly I moderate my comments so that I will see/read them all (I didn’t want to deal with emails), but unless it’s profane or crass I always publish. But if ya can’t say it yourself, ya don’t get to say it on my blog. 😀

  15. First off…What is some of your ladies deals? Come on! She is only speaking her mind on her own blog and doesn’t need butt loads of women who have nothing better to do then complain about what’s on her mind. I’m sure you’re the ones throwing a tissy over the Octomom too. Aren’t cha?

    Now that’s over with…being a SAHM is totally a choice. If you chose to have kids then you took the chance of being a SAHM. I love it even though I do believe it is the hardest job I’ll ever have. You are responsible 100% for your kids. If they blow up the neighbors house guess who has to take care of the situation? You! There are days that I sit and think whoo-hoo! I’m so glad I’m a SAHM! The part that gets to me the most is the dissocialization. You don’t realize just how hard that is until it happens. Thank God for church because that is where I have found many moms in the same situations with the same thoughts as me. It makes me stop and realize that I’m not the only one. My house is never perfectly clean. If someone comes over and finds bread crumbs all over the floor along with toys and random dirty clothes I don’t really care. If they don’t like how my house looks they can leave! My time with my children is much more important then my time with the house. I do clean as often as I can with the realization that my kids MUST come first.

  16. Jennifer that wrote this:
    Anonymous & Jaycee,

    I’m sorry that you are not content in your life. I pray that you will both find happiness, peace, and comfort.

    Who says I am not content? You’ve determined that by a comment I wrote? Have you read MY blog? And I mean, from the beginning. Do you know my story to say I am not content? I don’t need your prayers for peace, happiness, and comfort. I am blessed beyond belief. I thank God everyday for my blessings, as well as my hardships. I pray for people like you. That choose to judge before first looking at another’s situation. My comment to Jen was not bitter by any means. I even explained to her that I shouldn’t comment, because my situation is completely different from others. I have a 14, an 11 yr old, and blessed by God with ALL NATURAL quadruplets. So, no need to respond saying it was me, who chose to have multiples through fertility. Because I didn’t. That was God’s doing. If your replying to what I said a first time mom is… that is what I used to be like as a first time mom. I did ALL of that with my first child. And I really only wrote it to be more humorous, than serious. Which I’ve done to her previous posts, and I’m sure she caught my humor. So please, educate yourself on who you comment about, BEFORE you make that comment. Mind your tongue. It can be an evil thing. On my blog there is a button for baby Jonah, save your prayer for that precious child, someone who really needs it.

  17. Jennifer, Miss baby makin’ machine,

    WOW… is all I have to say. I can’t believe you are getting so much crap from this. I can’t believe your commenters are getting so much crap as well. I was coming to read your new blog on your mom and saw what was unfolding, so I caught myself up. Geesh. So I just want to say a few things. I think what got SAHM mom’s riled up in your original post, is the nonchalant attitude of it all. ~ Ho hum, I will just wake up, feed the kid, change a pamper, and play.~ It’s kind of ‘demeaning’. Because that is NOT how it happens. But on the flip side of this post, I commend you for wanting to educate yourself. Sure, you could’ve done it a little differently, but hey, you gotta be you! And I gotta be me. So with that being said, I am not gonna sit, and waste anymore time here. As much as I love the drama, my kiddos are finally asleep, and I’d rather be on eBay! (But I will be checking back for post #4. LOL!) :oP

  18. Wow…What a blog post this has turned out to be. I love it! I think you’re beautiful and love that you’re LDS ’cause I am too. That being said, my favorite quote is one by (I think) Thomas Monson (but it could have been Boyd K. Packer, too) which says something like life being a song and that we don’t have to sing all the verses at once. I think women are amazing. We are as intelligent and capable as any man on the planet. But as it states in the Proclamation on the Family, we do have our divinely appointed roles. Women are nurturers. We are mothers. Our role is to love and care for our children. Can we do that while working? Sure. Is it better for a mom to be home with her children? I will be bold and say that yes, it is. If that is feasible. Obviously special circumstances apply. But choosing to stay home and mother children isn’t really about which is harder or better. It’s about fulfilling your role as a woman. As a mother. And like the quote says, there will be a time in life where our children will be grown and not need our constant care and attention and we will be free to pursue our other interests. But as in all things, each choice is up to the individual and is not for anyone to sit by and judge one another about. I, too, went to BYU on academic scholarship with big plans to put my mark on the world. But now I stay at home caring for my five kids and can say that yes, it’s hard and sometimes thankless. Maybe the fruits of my labors are so small and progressing that they are hard to measure. But I believe I am doing more now to ‘put my mark on the world’ than I ever would have if I would have pursued my career instead. And someday I plan on doing just that. But I’m trying not to sing all my verses at once. Good luck on your decision. I love your blog and hope you don’t mind if I follow along for the ride!

  19. OK, i’m all late, but that commenter was just a hater. Theyre probably miserable with their life and wanted to share that misery with you. hahaha, loser! Cant let that kind of stuff get to you.

  20. Decided to read up on the SAHM blog after doing a google search of “SAHM – because I have nothing better to do” and found your blog! 🙂 And had a good laugh after reading it and seeing the picture collage of what a SAHM looks like. Again, laughing! I must say, truthfully, you hit the nail on the head in page one. Compared to a full time job, there are more benefits to staying home than the pressures of a 9-5. I am a SAHM full time going on the eighth year of being away from a desk, four kids, no outside helpers and we home school. It’s no walk in the park, some days are difficult, some days are really fun. It’s what you make it. I don’t think motherhood can really be compared to a job though. It isn’t a job, it’s a privilege. A job has pressures, disappointments, sometimes a lousy boss, deadlines (oh I hated those!), annoying co-workers, and often times the feeling you need to perform to impress. No thanks! I’ll take my early mornings sitting in pajamas with tousled hair, listening to sweet laughter over the “hum-drum, hurry up and go, go, go I’m almost late for work!” stress. I’ll gladly miss idle conversation with another adult in place of sometimes difficult to comprehend toddler-speak. And performances? Well, those are the best because no matter how lousy you think you did, your kids think you’re awesome! So, back when you wrote the first section on what a normal day looks like, that pretty much sums up ours. Except, now my kids are old enough they get to help with household chores. Prior to that, late nights and prepared in advance meals saved our tails. Good organization, planning ahead, and there is enough time to kick back and make sure they learn a thing or two, while keeping them alive – and it’s the most fun/best job I’ve ever had!

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