This post could totally be about my husband. I finally told him that when I said yes to marrying him, it was with the understanding that we would have children together. I gave him a future date of when I was going off birth control and told him he had until then to get used to idea. It’s seemed to work pretty well so far, but we’ll see what happens when that date arrives 🙂

If it were up to my husband we’d still be waiting to start trying (and my oldest is 13!)

You know how Eve had to get Adam kicked out of the Garden of Eden with her in order to “multiply and replenish the Earth”? Well, some things never change.

You can always try to old “I prayed about it and I know we’re supposed to have a baby” How can he argue with that?

Basically men are just scared that they won’t be the baby anymore. And they won’t. But too bad.

Oh boy do I understand. Husband was fine with baby making when we finally decided to start trying, about 2 years after we got married. Then when 6 months happened and we didn’t get pregnant he suddenly changed his mind! It was the longest two months of our marriage. I was so emotional and bitter and he was just checking out of the situation. He’s in med school so he was stressed. Finally after 2 months I told him that he needed to grow up and get ok with it. I knew it was just a matter of being scared. Now we’re back on the baby making train, if only I could get pregnant!!! Sigh.

That would be really tough, I was fortunate that my husband wanted kids more than I did. We decided before being married that we would wait 2 years before trying to get pregnant and I popped my last birth control pill the night before our 2nd anniversary. There were many times when I wanted to push the date back but as it got closer I began to have the longing to expand our family as well.

I am sure that when you two have your first child he will be the proud husband and father – so much so that it might end up driving you nuts. You mentioned that you know the thought of being a father is scary to him. Have you ever sat down and tried to discuss his fears and find out what exactly it is that he finds so scary? Is it that he fears he will not be able to provide for the child financially since he is still in school? Or does he feel insecure in his ability? Fear can be a hard challenge to get over. I suggest just having a serious in-depth conversation about it and let him know how important it is to you and how you have that strong desire to be a mom…in the not-so-distant future.

Well, I can definitely relate to where you and your husband are at in life. My wife and I wait nearly the exact amount of time as you have. It was around 4 years of marriage. There just came a time when we both wanted it. The birth control ended, and we got pregnant. It’s been 2 nearly 3 years, and our baby girl sophie is nearly 2 years old. We can’t imagine our lives without her.

As far as your husband goes, you need to sit down and talk serious about it, tears and crying if necessary and completely express your feelings, that you’re ready. If he’s visibly uncomfortable give him a week or so, then if that doesn’t work, talk to your bishop or stake president or priesthood leader whom he respects. If that doesn’t work, you might want to re-evaluate your marriage. Are you willing to live childless forever?

Pray for all the best,

Matthew

I think WHEN to have children is totally up to the couple, as our leadership says. However, I can’t help but feel that any prevention is a sort of expression of selfishness and pride unless there is CLEAR and DIRECT communication from above that more children are not meant for that particular family. This is not easy for me to say because I’m suffering these two (pride and selfishness) right now. (I’m the wife.)

You see, we have 3 and I KNOW we’re supposed to have another (probably a few more) and I’ve felt that this next one is closer than the other two were (when I’d just had their older sib). Anyway… basically, I: woman, Mama, female, am afraid to get preggie! Actually, it has more to do with the 3 day labor with the last one, but I digress. I’m struggling every day with feelings of shame over my unwillingness to be submissive to Father’s Plan. I’m also wrestling with my pride and stiffneckedness… trying to let go of my own Will and accept the only GOOD plan for my life, which, of course, is His who knows me better than I know myself (since he remembers me as my intelligence, which existed with Him, and I can’t even remember my Spirit life with Him!).

We moved to our current location because it was the Lord’s Will. It took a lot (around a year!!) for me to humble myself to accept it, but since then there hasn’t been much that I’d struggled with in the humble and submissive departments. But this… I’m struggling.

The one point of comfort for me is that each time, before I got preggie, my hubby would not feel ready until the month before we got preggie. Then, he’d be ready for the next one and BOOM, we’d get preggie. Right now, he’s not ready. So, even though I still feel shame over the pride and unwillingness to submit that I feel in myself, I feel some comfort that maybe the baby’s Spirit isn’t totally ready anyway. ?

What’s the point? Well, on one hand you might consider that your hubby’s unwillingness is sort of a projection of the other side. This is something only you can determine. Is he generally pretty spiritually sensitive? Is he a righteous and go-the-extra-mile priesthood holder? (Both are rhetorical, of course.) My hubby is VERY sensitive. He’s not a member, but he’s more spiritual than many men I’ve met both in and out of the Church. If you think that this is a possible way of describing your hubby, his timing may be the Lord’s and you’d just have to wait one way or another (and I’m SURE waiting through trying is harder than not trying and just waiting).

However, if his hold up is REALLY more fear – there are TONS of those (fears) for guys to deal with in becoming a Daddy! and he either needs to start working through them OR just get over himself. And the only thing you can really do is to tell him those options and revisit the issue soon thereafter.

This is getting out of hand. I could say more, but I won’t. Previous comments touch on some of what I would add. 🙂

Good Luck!!!

Hi Jenny, im not yet a mother so i dont come with any expertise but all i can say is i think both you and your partner need to come to terms with this decision. a friend of ours had their first child last month and he said don’t it if one of you doesn’t feel ready. the point is its going to be a situation where both are involved would you rather have a husband support you half heartedly or fully. And not all men are the same so not all men will react the way you want them to. i would suggest you really sit and talk about bout it with a clear mind put aside the emotional pat and look at it realistically. all the best my dear.

This was my first husband….I have always wanted children…and he was like Mr. Slowsky…all in due time….ANYWAY….it is not the reason we divorced, but after we did and he remarried, I found out he never wanted children. Anyway….not to say this is leading to divorce, but I do understand the frustration….what about have a talk with him about where he is and why he wants to wait and expressing your strong desire to start now….not sure if this helps at all, but it’s my 2 sense.

If I waited for my hubby, no telling how long it would have been before we had kids. We have three now and with each one he was very scared. I think men are different and if it was up to them women would be in their 40s before we had our first. I think you should give your husband a due date on when you will start. It may not be the best advice but you have been patient for five years. If it turns out he really means six, eight, or never, you should know. I’ve just heard too many stories from my friends that waited (for whatever reason) to have children and discovered the process was not as easy as it seems. Of course, some were able to get pregnant right away, others were not.

I get that way when I see babies in church…until they throw up on the hymn book and I reconsider. One of these days I will break down and go for it.

Look how cute you are! I just chanced upon you from mormon mommy blogs and I have never ever seen someone who is so all about having a baby. It is so interesting to me to see what different people with such different situations there are in the world. Seeing you from where I am (married nine years and already with 800 kids — ok, 5, but same thing)is so interesting. You are cool though because you seem to respect your husband and the relationship you have and have it be priority over your desires. BUT, I will say, that even from reading a little of your blog, it is clear you will be the cutest mom ever some day to some lucky little spirits!

Growing up I NEVER wanted to have kids. I was in a few serious relationships and if the marriage/kids discussion came up it was because the guy brought it up. I honestly hate other people’s kids (I love my niece but at 16 months old she is kind of annoying at times and I don’t always want to be around her) and have always lacked that ‘motherly vibe’ that my sister and friends have. I was never jealous of them and then I met my husband. I wanted to have children with him. WTF!! We had the big talk before we even got engaged and agreed on two children – he wanted three and I wanted one so we compromised. Having that talk up front was a good idea. We didn’t set a time frame but I think that when we did decide to start trying we both felt comfortable with our lives and decided to go for it. With kiddo #2 we will probably wait a few years. My sister is only a year younger than me and his brother is four years older than him so we’ll probably go with a two or three year gap. Anyway, forcing the issue will make him resent you and your future children. If he isn’t ready then he isn’t ready. Being a parent is probably pretty scary. I’m terrified.

I think we have a trend ladies! For the most part, and this goes double for my husband, it sounds like we all have or are encountering the men in our lives having “mental challenges” or “blocks” getting over the idea of having babies. My husband was all for having a baby until the day we actually started trying. Then, of course, all I could talk about was what we would do, how we would raise, etc., baby. And I think in some ways it became a road block for him. I had to make some changes in what I was doing or we would have never had our daughter. So yes, we still went forth and prospered but he honestly had to leave the room when I would lay there with my legs in the air for 30 mins after trying to…um…help mother nature along. It was uncomfortable for him.

I think, OK I know, the concept of the “act of procreation” is easy for our guys but the reality is vastly different. When we are looking at cute babies seeing nothing but their adorable smiles, engaging baby chatter, and OOHHH the cute shoes, they are seeing snotty noses, baby puke, and money flying out of the bank at record pace. I believe its human male nature. No, not all relationships are like this but for the most part men are naturally the providers and women are the nurturers. The only way to really communicate is to meet in the middle. Forcing the idea on them isn’t going to get the desired effect and might only push them away and just scare the baby out of them.

What I did was I worked with my husband’s fears. Even though he could and would never in a million years admit he had fears I would address them as if they were my own. Usually they were a version of mine anyway so instead of always talking about how cute the baby shoes, can you tell I love shoes, are I would talk about how much did he think we would spend on diapers. It brought the conversation to his level. Made him more open to talking about the idea and relaxed him. I also tried to stay focused on topics he would like about babies. Like the “work” involved in conception. He’s like all the teenage boys locked in mens bodies and the idea of….Ya, I’m going there….Having free rein and access to my female personage without having to buy me flowers first was a complete bonus!! Yes, ladies try to keep the baby talk out of the bedroom. And if you want to sit with you legs up in the air like I did don’t make him stay. Just make sure he leaves you with the TV remote.

Jen- Another topic, of which of course I have a vast opinion, that you might be interested in covering and I think would make for interesting conversation is how our men reacted to the life changing effects of becoming daddies.

I think I’ve said this before, but pray he’ll be ready. After my ectopic, I was confused and suddenly baby hungry and laying down ultimatums left and right (which, by the way, I don’t suggest doing). He’d stonewall and get all moody and silent – conversation over.

So, I took a different tack. I started praying we’d both be ready and that we’d wait on the Lord’s timing. Just because you’re ready doesn’t always mean he HAS to be. It’s just like two people getting married: one can’t receive revelation for the other.

A baby is a HUGE decision and he has to be ready to talk about it. I feel your frustration, no doubt. I finally had to sit hub down and ask him to pray about it so that some sort of dialogue could start to take place. Then I had to give him a “you do me a disservice when you won’t at least pray about it – you’re the priesthood leader of this home”. All the while, I kept praying.

It worked.

Thanks for your comment Jen, I appreciate it! Good luck with your baby making process.

Wow. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. Maybe you should pull up some old talks by Spencer W. Kimball…he never beat around the bush when it came to birth control and waiting to have children. Besides, you could tell your hubby that you won’t necessarily get pregnant right away anyways. (But hopefully it won’t be long *wink, wink*) Good luck on your journey!

I am right there with you. Every time I bring up the subject of having a baby he doesn’t want to talk about it because it’s not going to happen anytime soon so why bother and I would end up in tears. Just because we aren’t going to have one now doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about it. Besides who knows maybe we will have a baby sooner rather than later. It’s mostly me who’s been holding off on having a baby but I think he’s glad that I wanted to wait. He’s definitely afraid to be a daddy. I think he’s mostly worried that he will screw the kid up. I personally think he will make a great dad. I think when he’s done with his training and we are finally settled into our new place we can have the baby talk, and this time there will be no avoiding it for him because he promised we would talk about it after January….we’ll see how that goes.

Hi Jennifer,

My husband was the same way. He actually indicated 5 or so years and had lots of things he wanted to accomplish beforehand (i.e. travel, start a business, have a certain amount of savings, etc, etc, etc).

I, on the other hand, wanted children a lot soon than that. Like you, I gave him all types of hints, talks, pictures, brought babies around him and had him hold them, all in an effort to ease his comfort about having children.

I’ll share with you what brought the desire and readiness of having children closer to reality for my husband. Hope this isn’t too graphic. My husband and I for the most part used all natural birth control (withdrawal) because I couldn’t remember to take a pill, the shot gave me terrible acne, and didn’t like the use of condoms…anyways, one day out of an intense desire to have children during our intimate moment, I intentionally orchestrated a position in which it kinda made it a little harder for my husband to withdraw right away. His eagerness to truly take it out or to simply go for it would tell me how willing he is to actually have children now. He didn’t make an effort to actually take it out, so it gave me a clue that he may be ready. I however knew that I wasn’t ovulating and the chances of becoming pregnant were slim to none at that time.

A week or two later, I took a pregnancy test quietly on my own and the test indicated that I was pregnant. So, separately, I talked to my husband about the possibility of being pregnant and indicated to my husband that I’d like to take a pregnancy test. We went to Walmart together, picked up a test and took it together. It gave me a negative reading. Come to find out, the 1st test that I privately took gave me a false positive.

None-the-less, the reality of take a pregnancy test and the possibility of being preggos really opened up the door for reality of fatherhood to my husband. We’ve been married for a little over 2 years and since the above occurred, he is now ready and we have been working on pregnancy for the last 2 months.

Definitely keep it in prayer. I wish you the best.

LeNesha
Blog: My Business Adventures – A Mom’s Real-Time Journey Starting a New Business.

Thanks for your comment Jen, I appreciate it! Good luck with your baby making process.

I think WHEN to have children is totally up to the couple, as our leadership says. However, I can’t help but feel that any prevention is a sort of expression of selfishness and pride unless there is CLEAR and DIRECT communication from above that more children are not meant for that particular family. This is not easy for me to say because I’m suffering these two (pride and selfishness) right now. (I’m the wife.)

You see, we have 3 and I KNOW we’re supposed to have another (probably a few more) and I’ve felt that this next one is closer than the other two were (when I’d just had their older sib). Anyway… basically, I: woman, Mama, female, am afraid to get preggie! Actually, it has more to do with the 3 day labor with the last one, but I digress. I’m struggling every day with feelings of shame over my unwillingness to be submissive to Father’s Plan. I’m also wrestling with my pride and stiffneckedness… trying to let go of my own Will and accept the only GOOD plan for my life, which, of course, is His who knows me better than I know myself (since he remembers me as my intelligence, which existed with Him, and I can’t even remember my Spirit life with Him!).

We moved to our current location because it was the Lord’s Will. It took a lot (around a year!!) for me to humble myself to accept it, but since then there hasn’t been much that I’d struggled with in the humble and submissive departments. But this… I’m struggling.

The one point of comfort for me is that each time, before I got preggie, my hubby would not feel ready until the month before we got preggie. Then, he’d be ready for the next one and BOOM, we’d get preggie. Right now, he’s not ready. So, even though I still feel shame over the pride and unwillingness to submit that I feel in myself, I feel some comfort that maybe the baby’s Spirit isn’t totally ready anyway. ?

What’s the point? Well, on one hand you might consider that your hubby’s unwillingness is sort of a projection of the other side. This is something only you can determine. Is he generally pretty spiritually sensitive? Is he a righteous and go-the-extra-mile priesthood holder? (Both are rhetorical, of course.) My hubby is VERY sensitive. He’s not a member, but he’s more spiritual than many men I’ve met both in and out of the Church. If you think that this is a possible way of describing your hubby, his timing may be the Lord’s and you’d just have to wait one way or another (and I’m SURE waiting through trying is harder than not trying and just waiting).

However, if his hold up is REALLY more fear – there are TONS of those (fears) for guys to deal with in becoming a Daddy! and he either needs to start working through them OR just get over himself. And the only thing you can really do is to tell him those options and revisit the issue soon thereafter.

This is getting out of hand. I could say more, but I won’t. Previous comments touch on some of what I would add. 🙂

Good Luck!!!