The Pregnancy Pushers
I’ve had my somewhat against the grain attitude toward motherhood for years now. I’d say about two years into my marriage is when it really hit its peak. Since then I’ve calmed down and begun to somewhat understand WHY people want to have kids.
One summer… It was actually just for about a month, I worked at a credit union. Most of the women there talked daily about wanting to have kids. We were all married, and I seemed to be the only one who thought everyone else had lost their minds! ‘We’re young… Practically babies ourselves, why in the world do you want to have kids now?’ I’d think… And sometimes say.
There was one guy I worked with too. His wife had just had a baby. I was excited for them, not as excited as I would be for a friend nowadays, but still excited. I would ask him a lot of questions about parenting and how he liked it an such. He would tell me how great it was and joke with me and tell me I should have a child too. Lawd, on no he didn’t! I’d have to stop that talk right on the spot. I knew I wasn’t about to jump on THAT bandwagon yet. Both of us being a little sarcastic and pushing each others buttons got a little on each other’s nerves. But I’ll never forget one thing he said to me that I thought was so crazy… so mean, and just sounded WRONG:
“I HOPE you get pregnant,” he spat at me.
“Why would you say something like that?” was the only response I could muster. I didn’t know if I should retaliate, be angry, or scared with the way he said it.
“It’s a good thing,” he said. “It’s not a bad thing to wish that for you.” Oh yea? Well why did you say it like you were trying to put some kind of Voodoo Witch Curse on me?
Jenna said it best:
“There’s a glaring difference between offering helpful advice and smugly saying, “Oh, you just wait…bwahahahahaha!” That’s just mean-spirited and makes people sound bitter about their lives.”
I think a similar example could be taken in my approach to marriage. When a friend of mine is contemplating marriage, or dreaming of how great it will be, I may say it’s not all fun and games but I’m not going to say “Actually marriage is really really hard, just you wait and see… Most people get divorced, hopefully you’re not one of them.”
Or if someone is thinking of getting a puppy, thinking it’ll cure their baby fever as I did, (and a few months later I fell immune)… I’m not going to say “Dogs are hard, just you wait… Oh, and I hope he PEES ALL OVER YOU!”
Ummm… That doesn’t make it sound like I love my dog.
Ok different, yes, but really… Warning calls, maybe not the best idea to make someone want to join the parenting club.
No offense to them or anything but I hope I don’t sound like that when I have kids.
Also, I know it’s natural to be curious on when someone’s wanting to have kids, but not everyone is as open and honest as me. Everyone is different and some people just don’t want everyone all up in their business… As my friend Tara says “Stay out of my uterus!”
…But not you guys, you are welcome in my uterus at anytime! Just be careful who and how you tell people to “watch out,” or you may scare them out of wanting kids… Ever.
I think in my case it’s a genuine curiosity whether or not a couple want children. It’s not a judgment. Our kids have enriched our lives and helped us to grow up enormously ourselves. I think when you become a parent you view the world in a whole new way.
Hey girl! I haven’t talked to ya in forever. I totally agree with this post, and you’ll be ready when you’re ready. Everyone else BACK OFF. I do have to say that having a baby is REALLY hard sometimes, but it’s the fantastic days that make me so happy and forget the hard ones. Seeing her smile when DJ comes home from work is one of my favorite things. So how the heck are you??
I sure hope you haven’t had anyone say those things to you recently! I hate when people say things spitfully. I love my children dearly. When my hubby and I had our talk I realized just how deaply he loves them to. Yes, they drive me bananas at least once a week but I seriously would never change my decision to have them. I not only want them but I’m praying for more! I keep hearing how crazy I’m being for wanting more than two children but I don’t care. I know I can do it and if Heavenly Father is going to bless me with them then it is oviously his will too. So get out of my way you negetive people! When God sees it’s time he’ll send them my way regardless of your thoughts! Not speaking to you Jen ;o) just all those meanies out there.
There are few things more annoying than that “You just WAIT!” speech. Really, they got to experience it for themselves, so let me experience it for myself. Let ME be the judge of whether I’m happy with my decision or not. Otherwise, you’re just stealing that opportunity from me. How cruel can some people be?!
Well, hubby and I REGULARLY tell inquisitive minded people to FALL BACK on the baby question. We’re a pretty private couple and the last thing we want put on blast is our choice to procreate, lol. We tell folks that they’ll be lucky to know if we’re even pregnant, we might just up and be like “Oh yea, so Tamara gave birth last week and…” LOL!
I agree with Amber. Also, I felt the same way before I had kids. I thought I would wait until I was in my late 30s to start having babies, but it didn’t turn out that way. My husband is older than me, and he wasn’t getting any younger. So we had kids earlier than I planned when I was single. Something changes when you find true love, and again something changes when you have kids. It’s unexplainable but life-altering and wonderful.
I agree, advice is always helpful but telling someone this and that is just mean, because we all need to experience life for ourselves.
See my problem is because people tell me (people who are my friends and family) why on earth would I want to have more kids. And I don’t get it…shouldn’t it be our decision (Hubby’s and mine)…now even Hubby is starting to feel like we should wait and you know, it just pisses me…I really don’t want to wait, I’m ready now!!!
So I really understand what you are going trough, it really doesn’t matter is it about our first, second, or third, it just matters that when we know something is right others should let us experience it for ourselves, not tell us what we should do in their opinions.
The worst is when people say “Just you wait,” or “You want my kid?” or (the worst) “Don’t have kids — trust me,” when you actually CAN’T have kids. Those are comments that hit hard to those of us struggling with infertility. Especially those of us who haven’t publicized that problem. Like me… Thus, being anonymous for this comment.
Anonymous, that is so true. Sending you my best wishes 🙂
I’m visiting from the UBP, reading through your posts, and I really admire your honesty!
I think you’re very smart to be raising all of these questions and really thinking about if/why you want to have a baby. We women can feel that we’re ready to have a baby, but I don’t think we’re ever truly ready for all that it brings, simply because we can’t ever imagine or predict exactly how it will be (a difficult thing for planners like me!). Some people idealize parenthood and try to pretend like everything is perfect, and others focus on the negatives. The honest ones will truthfully answer your questions, not shun (or threaten) you for your opinion and admit that it’s hard, tiring, rewarding work, but with some of the best perks that a job can have, in my opinion. 🙂 Sounds like you’re getting a lot of different perspectives from this blog.
Good luck! 🙂
By the way, sometimes I think it’s the baby cult. 😉 As soon as you get married, people start asking when you’re having a baby. As soon as you have one, people start asking when the next one is coming!
People started asking us about 6 MONTHS after our daughter was born!! wtf?! LOL
Luckily, only a few people have asked when we’d like to have the next baby. Probably because I’m still in school and one baby is more than enough for a student mama!
But really, you used my quote so you know how I feel. Pessimists of the world: don’t ruin it for the rest of us. We’ll all figure it out someday. And you know, I had so many people tell me, “You just wait — your kid is going to be a holy terror” or “Your boobs are going to fall off!” or “You’re never going to want to get pregnant again!” Well, you know what? None of that happened! Motherhood is one of the single greatest things that has happened to me! Is it easy? No. But nothing truly rewarding is easy. That’s what makes is so rewarding!
OH that’s good advice for anything!
Thanks for commenting on my blog for the UBP. I’ve been to your blog several times. I like it!
I like the theme and the posts and everything.