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The Pendulum Swings

Part of me wishes I had been blogging during this entire trip just so I could remember the way my mind is spinning from day to day.

Wednesday–Nearly halfway through my trip I was ecstatic…Thrilled… I had NEVER been so happy to go to the dentist for that second opinion and whatever drilling and pain medication I’d need done before attempting to procreate. I was ready! The essentials of my Baby Bucket List were complete and there was only one thing holding me back. I’m not going to say any names but it rhymes with “musband.”

That was pretty much my overall feeling for the past moth or so…Until now. I felt little pricks of the adversary here and there, but today the opposition crashed into me like a wave.

I’m normally not the jealous type. I’ve never envied someone’s job because I’ve always felt like I could work to get there myself. I’ve never wished I could travel more like _______ or that I had so and so’s wardrobe. I’ve always been content and very aware of my blessings. …But I do have a weakness lately–A sore spot–if bumped, turns me into a completely different person.

It’s not something I can express in one simple sentence, it’s a way of life I admire and want to achieve.–It’s the full package.

We’ve come a long way since our beginning together. We couldn’t afford a kitchen table when we got married so we used the largest cardboard box we could find and some fold-out camping chairs we got for our wedding. We were broke, but we loved it–Not so much the broke part, but being newlyweds. We mostly lived off spaghetti and Ramen noodles… And when we did eat out it was Sonic 5 for $5 on Monday nights and cheap Taco Tuesday. We didn’t have friends who had much more than us–And kids weren’t even a thought in our minds.

Now four years, four promotions, a condo, degree, and cross-country move later I’m wondering where all the time has gone, and why I am still struggling.

I cried one recent morning after witnessing the immense blessings of two of my friends. I know I’m blessed–I’m not trying to denLinky the wondrous ways the Lord has worked in my life.–But I’m torn with the desires of my heart and the desires of my mind.

I want a child–There’s no doubt about that. But I feel like we can’t because of money. Sure, we’d get by. But I don’t know if I want to just get by. Is that even fair to my child?

What’s worse–I’m afraid to tell my husband how I’m feeling because I know my worries would only amplify his. Oh, and that little September goal of ours… That would be out the window.

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Brandi says:

Yeah. I will send you a e-mail.

From what I have heard from those who have children, there’s never the “right” time to have children…and if even when you think you’re financially ready to have them, anything could happen… You can’t let the possibility of things not being right or perfect or whatever stop you from doing anything. People could say, oh I’m not getting married because what if one of us cheats or we get divorced, etc. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life so far, you take things when you can get them or it the opportunity might be gone forever.

sorry, correction to my comment:

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life so far, you take things when you can get them or the opportunity might be gone forever.

Heather says:

I honestly don’t know if there is every a perfect time. Money, jobs, all of it – exists now and will exist once you have that baby. It’s important to be able to pay the bills, but beyond that don’t let money get in the way. Hope you work it all out for the right reasons! 🙂

Mallory says:

I think every time I read your blog, I am reminded of how important children and families really are. I don’t regret starting my family right away. And it pains me that I’m not yet pregnant with my second, because I want more children so much! It just amazes me that there are people out there who are unsure about it all. Especially LDS people! (And, I’m not trying to guilt you into anything, or make you feel bad. My sister, whom I love dearly, is a lot like you!)

Jenna says:

I sent you an e-mail!

I agree with everyone else, there’s never a right time. Our first was a surprise (we had intended to wait another year) and we weren’t sure we were ready, but when he turned up, we were. That’s what those nine months are for! 🙂

We have friends overseas who are really not that well off but have three kids and they’re all as happy as Larry. Kids don’t know if you don’t have much money (until they’re older, but that’s when you let them start doing chores and saving up for the stuff they “absolutely must” have), they just know they’re loved. So don’t worry about it! You’re going to be a loving mum, that’s all your LO will need.

Emmy says:

You know you will never have enough money, or enough of your career under your belt.. or enough of something. There is always a reason to not have kids. If you feel like it is right, go forward have faith and it will work out. (Still scary all the same, but so worth it)

J says:

You’ll definately never have enough money! LOL! But I also wouldn’t push yourself until you feel you are ready. Maybe you need a few more months…maybe longer…maybe you’ll get cozy with your love tonight and say “what the heck…let’s go for it.” But don’t worry about any arbitrary timeline. If it were me I wouldn’t do a lot of “planning to try to conceive.” Just enjoy your marriage and I firmly believe that God will let you know when the time is right…possibly seconds before your baby is conceived! LOL. And I think you should talk to your husband. You never know, he might be able to ease your worries…and at the very least, if he does become more concerned and you both decided to wait, at least you know you’re completely on the same page, which I think is the most important thing in the whole baby making process!

I think it’s all depending on what you’re comfortable with and what you feel ready for. Because you’ll never have enough money, and they’re won’t ever be a right time.

Ana Lee says:

I understand your fears. Just remember the words of inspired people and find comfort knowing that if we’ve been told not to let finances hold us back… and the Lord will provide for us, sufficient for our needs.

Beth says:

God, I know exactly what you mean! We’re in the same position – mentally ready, emotionally ready… but the money thing just keeps not coming together. We’re only planning on having one kid at the moment, so we really want to do it right, and we can’t until we get out of debt and get on firmer ground. :: sigh ::

It is a tough decision, but there isn’t a perfect time and you will never have enough money.

That’s encouraging, huh?

Stopping by from SITS.

Marly says:

I think its interesting to read your line that is it fair to the kids. It comes to a point when really, what do your kids need? They need you and your husband, a roof over their heads and love. There are so many free things you can do with kids. You really don’t need a lot and by the time they’re older, you’ll be in a different situation anyway. I mean I don’t know what it is about our generation that thinks we have to have everything from the very beginning. I remember a lot of people who bought houses immediately after they got married. Did they really have to have everything from the beginning? Did their parents have everything from the beginning? No. My parents didn’t get into a house until they had almost 4 kids. Is that ok? Yes, it’s totally ok. Its part of life and progressing. You do things in stages. You don’t get everything you want and have everything work out from the beginning.

Yes, there are better times than others to have kids, but really, it all depends on what kinds of experiences you’d like your kids to have. I’d like my kids to know money doesn’t grow on trees and they don’t get everything they want. I want them to understand you have to work hard for the things you want. I want them to experiences hardships so they can understand the good times. They can’t always have what they want, just like daddy can’t. (who really wants a big flat screen tv)

When you have a child you will see that nothing in this world matter but love. You will read these posts and roll your eyes at yourself. We didn’t think we could afford a child and we had a surprise one. I stopped working and hubby took on a second part time job. Even with all of that loss of job, we are fine. She is happy and healthy and nothing in the world could make me happier.
If you don’t talk to your husband it will cause a rift and that is not what you will want to bring a child into is a broken/hurting relationship.

Jenna says:

Hi There!
I just want to give you a note of encouragement, when you say that you want babies but you don’t think that you’ve got the money for it…I am the 2nd oldest of 8 children. We live on a single income (by choice) and the Lord has ALWAYS provided for every need. We truly NEVER need to worry:) So don’t let the thought stop you…God will take care of you~
Children are a blessing from the Lord, and every day I am SOOOOOOOOO thankful for them…I am blessed to have a lot of younger siblings, and I just love ’em to death!!! I pray that the Lord will bless me with a big family of my own when I get older:)
God’s Blessings to you~
Jenna

Jenn says:

This post of yours really hit me. I felt this exact same way so many years ago when hubby and I got married. We moved away from home, cross country to a new city with about $1200 in our bank account. I had to find a job and support us because my hubby was starting medical school. All around us our friends began starting their families, settling down, etc. We moved twice more, my hubby went to school and in residency worked about 100 hours a week. I kept wondering when it would be our turn for a family and the things we wanted. Then when we finally decided the time was right, I couldn’t get pregnant. It took a year and a half but finally we got our baby. 9 years into our marriage. I don’t know why I felt the need to tell you all of this but just wanted to say that I’ve been there and can so relate to what you are going through. Things will happen in God’s time and you will be blessed beyond belief. I’m saying a little prayer for you tonight!

Kelly says:

My dentist once told me “If you wait to have kids when you feel like you have enough money… you will never have kids.” That was over 6 years ago, and now I sometimes wish I didn’t wait so long. There’s never a “perfect time”, but things do ALWAYS work out as they should. There’s always a plan in place, we just don’t always know what that plan is.

Natalie says:

You rock. You’re awesome. I think there is a time that will feel right to try. And I want to wait until that time. I want to be able to afford my baby — right now with my husband in school, I know there is a time when we could be more successful and not in as much debt. Its not about being rich, its more about feeling safe, having health insurance, etc.

brohammas says:

You do realize that poor people have kids all the time.
Are you poor?

When you look back on your life, you will look fondly on days when you didn’t have it all, and realize you had exactly what you needed. Material things don’t matter. If you want a baby, then have a baby. All of the details will be worked out. I bet your parents didn’t have it all figured out when they had you…nobody does.

It doesn’t sound like you are living in poverty, you have a home and you both have a job. There’s never a time where you have enough money for a child – do you have enough room in your heart for one?

Anonymous says:

Just *hugs*. I don’t know the details of your financial situation, so I don’t really know what to tell you, but you have my sympathy in this.

Tamara says:

*hugs* I hear you, lady. Hubby and I grapple with the same issue. Tho we are working on making our financial picture much better, it still sucks that after 5 years of marriage, we still (and are even moreso) broke and having to deal with the money issue.
One thing that hubby is glad about is how crunchy i am because it translates into being cheap, cheap, cheap lol (but as baby grows, that no longer really matters lol).

JB says:

love is the only commodity your child will know for quite a few years, money is not what i treasure as i remember my childhood. it’s the times with my mom that made me feel loved..it didn’t cost her anything. God has a perfect timing..don’t be afraid jump in and trust.

Anonymous says:

jenn! i’m so sorry, i wish i knew how you were feeling, and trust me, i know how you feel! you have a lot of readers with good insight, and they’re right, things are never going to be perfect for having kids. trust me, i went through all those emotions when i found out i was pregnant, and now i just know that things are going to work out. and we’re going to do more than just get by, we’re going to flourish. sure, we may not be able to go on extravagant vacations right off the bat or have all the luxuries we want, but i’m confident that we are going to be just fine. and the situation we are in now isn’t going to be our situation in the future. it’s only going to get better. and now we get to share that with eason! so really jenn, don’t fret so much over what you haven’t accomplished or how much money you don’t have, if it’s really what you want, it will come to pass, it just may be with a lil one by your side as well! : ) ~shannon

dixie says:

I think you should tell your husband your concerns. You married the guy, you should be able to trust him to understand how you feel and not freak out. I think it might actually work out better for you. Obviously I don’t know the whole story but maybe telling him your worries will make him realize that he’s not the only one who’s nervous about money and parenthood and that you’re not thinking only about cute babies but also the realities of your situation (which doesn’t seem so bad). I think it will unite you even more towards that same goal of kids. You talked about it before and at one point he was ok with starting to try within just a few months! That’s a huge step. Don’t write the guy off just yet but I think acknowledging your fears will help him deal with his. No one wants to be scared and worried alone. Besides what else are husbands for but to confide in them?

Anyway, in the end money doesn’t make people happy. Things don’t make people happy. People make people happy. If having a baby is what’s truly right for you then it always will be, money or not.

<3 Dixie (a fellow austinite!)

Michelle says:

Hey, babies don’t have to be expensive. You can homebirth and save money on doctor visits and hospital stays.

Cloth diaper (although it is addicting)

breastfeed

feed table food

buy used and save the difference

It is easily doable.

Don’t wait until you can afford it…you’ll never be able to afford it. besides the blog world is waiting for the big announcement!!!! LOL

Jess says:

I have been friends with HUNDREDS prob thousands of women with children or who are preggo & I have never heard one of them say this was the perfect time to get preggo! There will always be something holding you back trust in Heavenly Father & it will all work out! I promise you look at me!

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Hi! I’m Jennifer Borget

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I'm a former journalist, and lifelong creator striving to make the world a better place. This is the space where I share my journey in making the most of every day by cherishing our individuality and celebrating our differences.



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