Part of me wishes I had been blogging during this entire trip just so I could remember the way my mind is spinning from day to day.
Wednesday–Nearly halfway through my trip I was ecstatic…Thrilled… I had NEVER been so happy to go to the dentist for that second opinion and whatever drilling and pain medication I’d need done before attempting to procreate. I was ready! The essentials of my Baby Bucket List were complete and there was only one thing holding me back. I’m not going to say any names but it rhymes with “musband.”
That was pretty much my overall feeling for the past moth or so…Until now. I felt little pricks of the adversary here and there, but today the opposition crashed into me like a wave.
I’m normally not the jealous type. I’ve never envied someone’s job because I’ve always felt like I could work to get there myself. I’ve never wished I could travel more like _______ or that I had so and so’s wardrobe. I’ve always been content and very aware of my blessings. …But I do have a weakness lately–A sore spot–if bumped, turns me into a completely different person.
It’s not something I can express in one simple sentence, it’s a way of life I admire and want to achieve.–It’s the full package.
We’ve come a long way since our beginning together. We couldn’t afford a kitchen table when we got married so we used the largest cardboard box we could find and some fold-out camping chairs we got for our wedding. We were broke, but we loved it–Not so much the broke part, but being newlyweds. We mostly lived off spaghetti and Ramen noodles… And when we did eat out it was Sonic 5 for $5 on Monday nights and cheap Taco Tuesday. We didn’t have friends who had much more than us–And kids weren’t even a thought in our minds.
Now four years, four promotions, a condo, degree, and cross-country move later I’m wondering where all the time has gone, and why I am still struggling.
I cried one recent morning after witnessing the immense blessings of two of my friends. I know I’m blessed–I’m not trying to deny the wondrous ways the Lord has worked in my life.–But I’m torn with the desires of my heart and the desires of my mind.
I want a child–There’s no doubt about that. But I feel like we can’t because of money. Sure, we’d get by. But I don’t know if I want to just get by. Is that even fair to my child?
What’s worse–I’m afraid to tell my husband how I’m feeling because I know my worries would only amplify his. Oh, and that little September goal of ours… That would be out the window.
Random.org says the winner of the Twilight Theory and necklace giveaway was #3 Brandi who liked the Twilight necklace by Giggles and Gins Bowtique that says “You are my life now.” Get me your info so I can get it sent your way!