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The Irony

It’s taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week–Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body… To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

…All the while I’ve been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends–Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now–In fact, she told me she’d catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her… My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.– When I got the text message today that said “OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor,” I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn’t.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I’m SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I’m mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational… Out of jealousy–Selfishness–“Keeping up with the Jones”… Whatever, but all WRONG!

…But then part of me feels like it’s not wrong. I DO want a child I’m just trying to figure out a few things first… And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside–It’s one big internal confusing mess.

It’s so easy to think “Leave it alone… You’re not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time.” But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever–And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I’m just going to feel that way regardless.– Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I’d be pregnant alone in the world… Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a “copycat.”

… Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I’m sad because I feel like I’ll never have the experience of an “unexpected pregnancy.” I’m only going to experience the frustrating anxiety… The never ending countdowns–calenders– Hopeful tests. I’m not very organized but I’m a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life’s plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go–Even now I’m trying to “stick to the plan,” but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don’t feel like anyone can really “get me” right now. I don’t think people understand how hard of a transition it is… But I can’t possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother–Scared to go down the road with no return. It’s SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband–Knowing if he sees my fear it’s never going to happen. But I’m terrified too. And it’s worse knowing no matter how much preparation I’ll never really be ready. –That’s what everyone keeps saying.

I’m not TTC so I can’t complain right?–That’s what people think.–I can’t complain because I haven’t been unsuccessful with conceiving yet… I haven’t experienced a miscarriage, or a loss–But somehow I feel like I’m losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that’s a part of the territory. Maybe I’m losing a little while I’m gaining a lot, but right now I can’t see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I’m right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I’m actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I’m a planner… I like to know what I’m getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning–I don’t mind revisions. And while I’m slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it’s almost becoming a pleasant pain… Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I’ll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way… 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl– There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?


Cynthia says:

You and I have a lot in common. I am also not the most organized but an excellent planner. Heck, that was even my career in my pre-kid life- a City Planner.

I was also spoiled because my life almost always went as planned. I went to the school I’d planned. I got the degree I’d planned on since elementary school. I graduated, started the career I’d planned then met a great guy. All this time I didn’t know I was spoiled by God giving me exactly what I wanted within a year or two of the time frame when I wanted it.

No, I had to learn patience and that I can’t control it all when infertility became my unwanted companion. Now, looking back, I can say I’m grateful for the diversion ‘off plan’. I can ONLY say that because we eventually overcame the trial but I’m glad that it didn’t all go according to MY plan but rather by his.

The right events will unfold for you at the time they are supposed to- whether or not that timing matches your own plans.

I highly recommend an awesome book called A Mom Just Like You by Vicki and Jayme (I just lost their last name… *sigh* post pregnancy hormones and Mama brain. Sorry). Anyway, it’s an awesome book and REALLY helped me finish my process of turning my family planning BACK over to the Lord. He is the author and finisher of my Faith and it’s only He who knows Me, TRULY! He knew my intelligence before my Spirit was. He remembers my developmental process as a Spirit child before my life now. He has seen me and been my only constant this whole life. So, He should, of course, be in charge of my family!! That’s what I have believed since we started our family, but after this most recent (almost 6 months ago) THREE DAY LONG labor, I was a bit shell shocked and scared of getting preggie simply because I was (am?) afraid of another ridiculously long labor.

The book is awesome. It’s written by an amazing Christian woman’s daughter (and her) about her life. It’s sort of a homeschooling book, but REALLY the focus is on a better walk with God MUCH more than homeschooling. I haven’t been reading here terribly long, but it feels like you’re nearing the end of your road of indecisiveness and I think this book, in general, but the part about trusting Father with the plans would be amazingly beneficial to/for you. It CERTAINLY has been for me! I’m still in the saddle with the reins back in God’s hands.

There is no Fear in God, only Faith. Now that I’ve let go again, I don’t feel FEAR… I worry a tiny bit that I might have another long labor, but then I remember that Father brought me through it fine before, He can surely do it again.

I hope you will look into that book. I believe Father put it in my way via another blog I read by a Mother of 7… It’s just an awesome book!!!

Tracey says:

I’M SURE YOU’VE HEARD…”If you want to hear God laugh…tell Him YOUR plans.”

With my first husband I wanted a baby just as badly, but had no idea I was going to have all the problems yet. He just WASN’T READY. I thank God now, that I didn’t have a baby with that man, but anyway…same thing your feeling…I was ready and he was not. I was extremely scared….am I ready, would I be a good mom…etc…etc….

Your feelings are all normal….people told me to relax…did I…NO!

God Bless.

I’ve got to say this is an internal experience you’ll have over and over in your life no matter when you decide to have children. We all make plans, mull around ideas, take time to think it through, etc. But there comes a point when we decide (really make the decision) to move forward and ACT. And right before that point, feels exactly like you describe it.

It’s really the hardest place there is. When I’m there, I think to myself, I’ll never be able to do this! I can’t do this! This is too hard. What was I thinking, etc. This is the transition, the turning point. The point at which it is as hard to go backward as it seems to move forward. But that’s not the real truth.

When we look inside, we see the truth- that we’ve been guided all along. That God’s will (in the form of a true desire in our heart) is the truth of who we want to become (and this applies whether we’re talking about mothering or other things.) It might be scary to move forward into this new-ness. But truly, if you’ve been nurturing a desire of your heart to become a mother, it shows that moving forward is the only way to accept the blessings (all of them) that are waiting for you.

You’re not following your friend. You’re following your heart. And that’s scary. So be scared if you are, but follow your heart anyway.
You deserve to find out what is held in this plan for your life.

Jessica says:

We are finally TTC and it’s not as fun as I thought. It’s all about calendars, charts, and timing. Our first was much more spontaneous and I, like you, kind of liked that. It just happened and I didn’t have stress over it. You are not the only one who feels this way!

KMfamily ;-) says:

stop thinking about it & enjoy life with your husband right now…you certainly dont want to push him into anything.
If you leave it be..it will happen

Comment above from “KMfamily ;-)” is so true…”If you leave it be..it will happen”

I am going through the same feelings of jealousy right now. I have a friend who just had her baby and one that just found out she is pregnant.
I already have one baby but I am feeling that need to have another child.
While times are tough right now I don’t think it is a good time to have a child for us. But, that doesn’t stop that nagging feeling of jealousy.
Then when you do get pregnant and realize that you are pregnant while everyone around you is pregnant too. I hated that. I wanted the attention. I wanted to be the only one that was pregnant. I wanted all the attention for my amazing 9 months.
Things will work out though. When you stress and constantly worry it only makes things harder.
Don’t think about it so much it always works out in the end! 🙂

MOMSWEB says:

Bless your heart; you are NOT ALONE…we’ve all been there. Reading your post took me back 14 years ago when I shared some of the same feelings. Your transparency will bless someone going through this same thing, yet not able to share as openly.

Goldibug says:

I wish I could help you out more on this. I want to sympathize but I can’t. Not really. I was so ready to be a mommy when I got pregnant. I’m scared of driving. I’ve never really tried to get my license and I don’t think I ever will. People look at me like I’m crazy when I say I’m terrified of driving but thrilled without an ounce of fear of being a mom. You’ll figure things out even if it does seem like the wait is forever. Eventually your husband will come around too. Unfortunatly I can’t give you any hopes as to when. Hang in there!

Sarah says:

You remind me of …..ME! These last few months I have been going back and forth. We should try now, we should wait, hubby isn’t ready, hubby doesn’t want to talk about it, I want to talk about it..etc. I drive myself crazy! On one hand I want a baby now! But on the other hand I want to go to and finish Pharmacy School. I do have my bachelors but that’s not good enough for me. But then I think, if we wait I’ll be 27 or older when we have our first kid! To me that’s a little old since WE want a larger family. It’s hard for me to believe that at my age my mother already had 3 kids! (She also had her associates and a well paying job in the government). I just wish I could have a career and be done with school and not have to worry about finishing and being old. What if we have fertility problems! That would make me cry! So I hear you on this one. Do I want to wait and risk the chance of not having a baby for awhile, or do I want to try now and have to go through school with a baby???

Sarah says:

Oh and the jealousy thing…Everyone I know is having babies right now! My last ward, when we left, there were 7 new babies and a ton of pregnant ladies! All my old roommates from BYU-I are having babies now. There is one person I know that was trying to have a baby and she has had 2 miscarriages that scared her away from wanting kids right now. I think if I had to look after someone’s newborn that might cure me of this!

Tina says:

You’re right when you say I probably don’t know what you’re going through since I’m at such a different part in my life than you are. And I’m not making judgments, but maybe you’re trying too hard.

You hear all these stories about people who try and try for years to have kids, and then when they finally stop trying, it actually happens.

The stress you’re putting on yourself, mentally and physically, can’t be conducive to conceiving a child.

And even if you do want a girl, well, you know what they say about the best laid plans. You could conceive in June and have a boy and you could conceive now and have a girl.

I think you’re putting way too much stress on yourself. Now that you’ve decided you’re ready for the experience, I think you’ve done all the planning you really need. Just make smart decisions about money and health, and then let nature do the rest.

Jennifer says:

I’m sorry you’re struggling so much with this. Stay strong:)

Tamara says:

Your post resonated with me, FA REAL. I have SOO many conflicting emotions about my baby longings. On one end I feel like i have NO business even THINKING about a baby….there is STILL so much do…and its been YEARS where ive STILL had so much to do…but im about to be 30 and thas nothing to sneeze at (i KNOW its not old, but its getting there lol).

On the other hand, i want a baby and THAT’S nothing to sneeze at. My body is telling me to, my spirit says that I can, i feel more prepared thnt a mother of 8 kids and my hubby smiles and coos at all the little kids we come across…I feel like its TIME ALREADY. We’ve been married and had our alone time. We know what sleeping in feels like, we know what picking up and moving whenever we want feels like, and we’ve been on all the dates we’ve wanted to go on. ITS TIME.

But overall, i tend to feel very foolish about my feelings and also feel kind of alone in them since I also have to “hold back” from my husband the TRUE, BURNING yearning to have a baby so that i dont freak him out or make him feel bad that he’s not ready.

Its a very OVERLOOKED, UNDERESTIMATED place to be. I find that its SOOO very few and far between to meet people, online or IRL, who are in this position. If you let your feelings known, often people are poo poo’d with the rhetorical line “Oh, you have plenty of time!” or “It will happen when it happens, relax” and while that may be good advise, it feels kind of dismissive to that person’s feelings.

The road to motherhood is windy, topsy turvy road no matter where people are in the wait.

lifeasme says:

If you have read my blog you will know I am pro kids….but I would like to share some stuff if you dont mind.

1. Its not till you have your very first scan that your realise the mommy in you.
2. Its not till you have your second scan that you recognise the baby and mommy in your heart.
3. Its not till you give birth that you submit to this little person and wonder what the heck all the hurt and torment was about.
4. Its at this same time that the baby travels the tunnel to be born that the maternal hormone is released. Debate that all you like, I still do cos I know plenty of great mommies who had c-sections!!
5. Its not till that very first moment you are alone with your baby that you realise what is real in this world and in you.
6. The fight we go through for a career is not a drop the same as the fight we go through to love, care, protect and dedicate to our child.
7. The very first time you give your child to someone else to care for is the very first time you know your real meaning in your life.

On the other hand there are downsides, but out of them all, I wouldnt trade a second my my last 20 years at parenting. Ok yes I would, my oldest would have not been a devil child if I could rewrite that!!! LOL

Shucks, I wrote more than I intended!! 😉
Debs

Oh I feel you, oh how I feel you. I am one step behind, just trying to get married, but I know what it’s like to want to control things out of your control. I want to plan everything and the waiting game literally kills me. I know everything happens at the right time, but I would just like someone to tell me when that right time is going to happen so I can plan my life accordingly!

Marly says:

I’m a huge planner too, which is why I got married at 19, had my first kid at 21 and it took my husband 5 years to graduate college. My plan was to go on a mission, maybe get married around 24, get a degree and have 5 kids. I will only have 4, or at least that’s the current plan.

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s the unknown, but it’s known. You want a baby, but you don’t. All these life choices just really mess with our heads.

I’m at this point with a house. I’m scared to death of buying a house but I know someday I want one. We’re taking the middle ground and renting a house 🙂 I have to take it slowly…

Laura says:

I want to thank you for this blog and sharing your thoughts in this very specific and personal time in your life. I am THERE. (I only wish I could have read this a little earlier!) I am at the point of my life where half my friends/peers have children and the other half are single or engaged. Neither encouragement eases the confusion (as you already have stated.) I am a little at ease now. At one point I felt like I hit my breaking point where I was driving myself crazy. But one night at my Women’s Bible Study, I received a peace of mind. Yes, I still think about babies constantly, but it is now in a more constructive way. I think about how my life would be different with a child and then immediately appreciate the way it is without. It is sort of a best of both worlds right now. I now focus about preparing for children instead of “I want I want I want.” I can only give the credit to prayer with God.

Thanks for letting us all know we are not alone in the baby fever!

lifeasme says:

If you have read my blog you will know I am pro kids….but I would like to share some stuff if you dont mind.

1. Its not till you have your very first scan that your realise the mommy in you.
2. Its not till you have your second scan that you recognise the baby and mommy in your heart.
3. Its not till you give birth that you submit to this little person and wonder what the heck all the hurt and torment was about.
4. Its at this same time that the baby travels the tunnel to be born that the maternal hormone is released. Debate that all you like, I still do cos I know plenty of great mommies who had c-sections!!
5. Its not till that very first moment you are alone with your baby that you realise what is real in this world and in you.
6. The fight we go through for a career is not a drop the same as the fight we go through to love, care, protect and dedicate to our child.
7. The very first time you give your child to someone else to care for is the very first time you know your real meaning in your life.

On the other hand there are downsides, but out of them all, I wouldnt trade a second my my last 20 years at parenting. Ok yes I would, my oldest would have not been a devil child if I could rewrite that!!! LOL

Shucks, I wrote more than I intended!! 😉
Debs

Oh I feel you, oh how I feel you. I am one step behind, just trying to get married, but I know what it’s like to want to control things out of your control. I want to plan everything and the waiting game literally kills me. I know everything happens at the right time, but I would just like someone to tell me when that right time is going to happen so I can plan my life accordingly!

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Hi! I’m Jennifer Borget

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I'm a former journalist, and lifelong creator striving to make the world a better place. This is the space where I share my journey in making the most of every day by cherishing our individuality and celebrating our differences.



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