The Hurt Feelings

No, you don’t have to through me a pity party, or give me cheese with my wine, or even play the worlds smallest violin, I’m just asking you let me vent for a minute and possibly give me an “Amen” if you feel me.

I know what it’s like to hear people talk about wanting babies and it can be EXTREMELY annoying. I know how it feels… I’ve been there. Now, I fear I’m becoming that person I hate. I’m really trying not to. I hardly even talk about it around my friends, especially not the ones without kids… Or friends who aren’t even married. Oh no, many of them just don’t understand. I really try to keep all of my thought and urges contained at home, and here on this blog (where people can read as they please).

Well occasionally, my feelings for wanting a baby will slip. Usually this is ok around my closest friends. They won’t bash me, cut me down, or try to convince me I’m crazy. No, especially not my married friends (the few on the list still without children), because a lot of them know what I’m talking about. But occasionally it’ll slip around the wrong person and I get my feelings hurt.

Now even on my worst day, back in the day, when I thought my young married friends craving babies were weird–Really weird, I never said they shouldn’t do it. I’d maybe try to convince them why it would be cooler to wait with me… Travel, have fun, be young and spontaneous! But I’d never sincerely tell someone not to do it, or explain to them why I though they weren’t ready–That’s none of my business, and just like I wouldn’t want someone telling me I’m “evil” or “threaten me” for waiting, I tried to show people the same respect.

Well, sometimes when it slips with me I’ll get a snide response like “well could you afford it?”–Maybe not, but even if I couldn’t I don’t really need someone else reminding me, I mean don’t you think I’d know that people person?

I can’t help but feel like I’m turning into that annoying woman… But see, I think it’s weirder outside of Utah. In Utah everyone talks about babies, you get use to it and it eventually becomes less annoying. Here… If you mention you want a kid more than once a month you’re all of a sudden the person with an obsession. Ok, ok… So I have a baby blog and no baby. So what?

That’s it! No more baby talk… Not outside of here that is. I’m tired of people making their own assumptions of why I am not fit to be a mom. If you want to try to convince me of why it’s cooler to stay on the cool list that’s fine, or if you want to tell me why I should just go ahead and get knocked up… Be my guest, but it stings a little when you tell me I shouldn’t because you don’t think I’m ready.

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  1. Oh I’m sorry hun! We only told my best friend and my husband’s grandma we were trying to get pregnant. When I told my mom, the first thing she asked was if we were using protection against it, and her tone made me say we were. I am still terrified to tell her we were trying for my daughter.

    That really bites people are looking down on you for it. Wanting a baby is something you can’t hide, especially if you aren’t even trying. It just slips out.

    Just know that we are here for you (the loyal readers of your blog!)

  2. I’ll give you an Amen!

    And as for people telling you that you’re not ready, ignore them! I haven’t met a single person who was really READY for a baby, myself included. You can plan and plot and everything else but the truth is there is really no amount of preparation in the world that could prepare you for it. If you honestly think about it, you don’t know what your baby will be like, each one is different and you can’t base your situation or baby on anyone elses – so how can you possibly truly be prepared for it?

    When I was pregnant with my daughter I swore I was prepared…so little did I know then. I realize now that I wasn’t prepared then and I likely won’t be “prepared” for the next one. So the next person who tells you that is an idiot, especially if they think any amount of money in the world will prepare you for parenthood. Just smile at them, knowing that they’re an idiot and know that they weren’t “prepared” either!

  3. I KIND OF know how you feel. I really, really, really want to have another baby. But, I am still experiencing lactational amenorrhea. Gah, it’s so frustrating! But, people still tell me that it’s “too soon” after my first baby. I am a hypocrite sometimes, though. I admit, I often want people to be/not be pregnant when *I* want them to be. (Gosh, I AM horrible! lol)

  4. Oh hon, see that’s how it starts but it won’t ever stop. Once you have a baby people will bug you about breastfeeding vs. bottle. Then there is the whole ‘WHEN are you going to have another’ or ‘WHY are you going to have another’ etc. etc. etc.

    It’s not exclusive to babies either. People will always have an opinion about how you should live your life. The key is to just be who you are and learn to take it in stride. I’m not saying you have to put yourself out there to people you KNOW won’t understand but rather roll your eyes right back at them.

  5. I’m right there with you! Actually, when i happened across your blog a few months ago, it was refreshing ti know that someone else is in the EXACT same boat I’m in right now.

    I really don’t think anyone is truly “prepared” for not just a baby, but a child in general. There will NEVER be enough money or time, or resources to have a baby. That’s why you follow your heart.

    So if you’re ever in the market to vent to someone who really does understand…I’d definitly be the person!

  6. All I can say is that motherhood is the most wonderful thing in the world. I get so excited when I hear someone is going to be a mother for the first time. Because I wan’t them to experience such a pure love. It’s something I can’t describe. It gives you a small taste of how much heavenly father must love us. Although I was young and unprepared motherhood changed me I needed it to happen when it did. I wouldn’t change a thing.

  7. I’ll give you an AMEN, and say amen to what Cynthia wrote. I got pregnant RIGHT after I got married and all I was “WOW” all the time. “You should have waited” “you’re so young” “you’re missing out on (fill in the blank)”. Everyone will always have an opinion, but it’s your life and you have to do what’s best for you. And if that means talking something all the way out before you do it, I say GO FOR IT!

  8. I was judged and will always be judged for having my first baby when I did. Yes, I was technically a teen pregnancy statistic because I was 19 when I got knocked up (even though I had been married for over a year by that time!). But it doesn’t matter, because all the explaining in the world isn’t going to change anyone’s opinion of me. So I just keep quiet.

    I got a lot of comments like, “Were you trying?” or “Was this planned?” when people found out I was pregnant. And yes, in fact, it WAS. How rude that people even ask that question. It’s no one’s business when we decide to have our babies.

    Now, I feel you on this one. I was always afraid to bring up babies before we started trying. I knew people would get weird and condescendingly call me “baby hungry”. But my opinion is there’s nothing wrong with thinking about having a family and discussing it with others. It’s good to get out your feelings, frustrations and questions. If you internalize everything, you’ll implode.

    Don’t worry about the naysayers. Truth is, if anyone has the cajones to criticize your decisions, they probably have a lot of insecurities of their own.

  9. That sucks that people make you feel that way. All I’ve got to say is that I love reading what is on your mind about the baby making. I think some people just can’t handle baby talk.
    Dang, sometimes my brothers think it’s weird that I had my kids so close together, but in the end it doesn’t matter. No matter what you will never have enough money or be ready. I think that is why the Lord blesses us when we have kids.
    But keep writing stuff about babies…I love it!

  10. Dang girl! I’m sorry to hear this! I haven’t ever had this problem but that is probably because the majority of my friends I mention babies to are Latter-Day-Saints. That really is aweful that people go around bashing someone’s feelings/decisions. I hope they realize what they’re doing eventually.

  11. This sounds alot like me. Except instead of cutting me down for it, they hound me about it.

    “I thought you wanted a baby? Why isn’t it happening? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with him”..

    It makes me sad because people think we aren’t trying hard enough, or it isn’t happening.. or it’s one of our faults..

    I want a baby badly.. my husband has severe diabeties and some complications will make it harder for us to have kids.

    But it isn’t for a lack of wanting or trying.

    Just bums me out.

    Anyways, I really enjoyed reading this. You said alot of things that I wish I could say. 🙂


  12. All I can say…is you are going to be the most ready person I’ve ever (not) met. If everyone put this amount of energy and thought into parenthood ahead of time…a lot of kids would probably be a lot happier. Expect great things from motherhood and you will get great things!

  13. Ah, i cant say i can relate, because NOONE outside of my husband and say…the web, lol…know that I have baby lust. Im pretty private anyway, but yea, i wont be telling folks when we start trying either. The unsolicited opinions, comments, and smart remarks are NOT welcome here.

  14. Girl, when you are ready, you’re ready. And sometimes, the good Lord will intervene. That’s what happened to me. I just had El. I thought I was done. I was even going to get my tubes tied. DH asked me not to. We decided to “let nature take it’s course.” Then Ta-Da! DD #2 So my girls are 16 months apart. My mom told me in her thick Asian accent, “Honey, two in diapers is not good.” ugh! I disagree. They are 8 and 9 now and it’s wonderful. Thanks for stopping by my blog. How you had fun during the UBP. I know I did.

  15. I’m going to try to stay as “pleasant” as possible when I say this, but considering that I’m from the same city as you and I tend to be one of the more “rough around the edges” chicks you find, here I’m just gonna tell it like it is. Or like I see it which is good enough for me.

    I think that anyone who loves you, or at least respects you, will be nice and considerate if they have the opinion that you should wait. They are the ones that say nice things like “your still young” “enjoy your youth” That type of thing. The ones that are rude about it are either just rude people, and their type of negativity should be avoided, or have a personal issue about the subject that they are attaching to you and giving you snarky advice because of it. Not saying their baby haters, but they might have wished they would have waited for one reason or the other and are more interested in their own agenda than in your feelings. That being said remember: Stick and stones…….

    You will know when your ready and, if that’s now, then you deserve respect for your feelings. If someone doesn’t give it to you then tell them to kiss your Texas bootie.

    Hope I kept it clean enough for you. I’m capable of getting the whole Austin red neck thang goin’ but I don’t think you would appreciate that on your site. 🙂

  16. First of all – no one is EVER ready or “fit” enough to have a baby, so don’t let anyone else tell you that you need to wait until you are. You’ll be waiting forever! Second of all, I know your post wasn’t meant to be funny, but I cracked up at “So I have a baby blog and no baby. So what?” That’s funny! Anyway, Thanks for visiting my blog during UBP 2009. Hope you had a great party week and made lots of new bloggy friends! Good luck in the prize drawings!

  17. I just think it’s hard to talk babies with people at work… because most of us are young/single/ and as far away from wanting a baby as possible. You have to understand that in the news biz, people aren’t considerate of feelings.. if so we wouldn’t be reporters! I know they (myself included)aren’t trying to be mean or rude if we slip out an “Are you sure?” comment… sometimes it’s just hard to relate. You’re the exact same age as me… and I can’t even find a boyfriend!

    But know, you can talk babies to me anytime you want =) I love babies. Plus the sooner you have one, the sooner I can babysit =)

  18. At work I get weird looks when people find out I’m happily married with a baby girl. “And you wanted her?” Of course I did, I love my baby. A lot people see children down here as a burden or an “accident”. I love the comments I get “but you’re too young to be married with a child”. Really? I’m 31, my wife is 30. Take a look at my family blog and you tell me, do I look to young to be married with a kid? I think 31 is old, I’m going to be in my 40s when my baby is a teenager! Now that is old!

  19. Amen. I can relate. I don’t ever talk abut wanting a child except with hubby form time to time. People that don’t love you unconditionally don’t really want to hear you “whine” about not having a kid. Wen you vent they look form the outside to judge if you are ready or not. If you a deemed ready then they are annoyed that you are talking about it instead of just doing it. If your deemed not ready then they are offended that you selfishly considered bringing a child into the world under “those” conditions.

    When ever some hurts my feelings I try to put myself in their shoes. Kids are a subject that are very close to the hearts of most women, but there is also a lot of baggage.There are woman who are waiting to get married but can’t find the right man. Woman who had a baby while single and felt guilty about the life their child had. Woman who were abused as a child and decided that people should go through rigorous testing before receiving the right to bear children. Woman who after numerous fertility treatments have been deemed barren.

    When you are venting, sometimes you are stirring up old emotions that women aren’t conscious of and they can take it out on you. I’ve found that when I need to vent I keep it to my best friends and male friends. Most men don’t have emotional baggage tied to children. If you can finds ones that don’t mind sharing they are a breathe of fresh air to talk to.

  20. Hi there! Just stopping by from the blog party. Thanks for visiting my blog. I really enjoyed reading yours. You have a great way of expressing your thoughts and feelings.

    Good luck with your baby making process. I wil say that we waited until we’d been married 4 years. My family had really been pushing us to have a baby, but we needed to do it in our own timing. You’ll know when it’s right! 🙂

  21. Here from the UBP 09, thanks for the comment. Your story’s definitely not my story: my wife and I were married out of HS at 19 because we had a baby out of wedlock.

    G…that was 15 years and 5 kids ago!

    I did want to affirm you in this: it is your business. My wife and I get the “WOW! Are they all yours?”

    To which I want to say, “No! We’re serial kidnappers.”

    Or something like that. People are like that: too many babies, not enough babies, not ready to have babies…If we waited until we could “afford it”–we’d have settled for a hamster.

    If we waited until we were ready–we’d be shopping for coffins.

    Having children completes the call for a married life, at least according to Genesis 2, and those standards can be felt whether or not we’re Christian. IMHO.

    More power to you and your family, I hope you and your husband have as many as the Lord blesses you with.

    As a father to six, I can say we’ve all been changed for the better in every way. I wouldn’t change it for all the coffee in Seattle.


  22. Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog. All I can say is what I’ve experienced myself. We didn’t have our first kid until I was 35 years old. I always wanted to have kids but I am so glad I got to experience everything that I did in my 20’s. You really don’t get that time back once we had our baby boy our whole life changed. We used to go to the movies several times a month. I took a trip to Europe on my own and did all kinds of traveling. I had a career as a Registered Dietitian/Diabetes Educator for 10 years and had awesome time going to college to become a dietitian. Saved up a bunch of money so that I could stay home. Did kickboxing, played volleyball, played in sand volleyball tournaments. Met tons of awesome people who are awesome supporters now. Now we don’t do as many of those things, but we do jump on the bed, watch CARS at home, play in the mud, walk to the park, make home made pancakes Sat. mornings, have tickle zirbet wars, go to play groups, and stay home a lot. If you have the chance to, experience all you can before you have kids, get a great support group going, get a partner to help you. I really admire single parents because it is sooooo much work to do it on your own, I’ve had litte tastes of that when my husband is out of town and can’t imagine having to do it all the time!! I’ll admit I had some really lonely times when I was single and before having our baby boy. Now, I rarely get to be alone, even in the bathroom!!! Anyways, thanks for stopping by my blog, I’ve saved $349.47 with coupons this month, come by anytime for ideas on how to save money. Sorry this is so long. -Monica @

  23. Thanks for stopping by my blog! You live in Austin? TX is my home! Lived there most of my life! I always hate the can you afford it reason. I mean, really. Is there ever really a good time when you’ll have all the money you need to have a baby?

  24. AS one commenter said once you have a child everyone thinks its their business to tell you what to do with your child! This is perhaps just the beginning!

  25. I’ve come across quite a few blogs that started out as being about “my quest to try and have a baby” or “my quest to try and adopt”… and you know what? Those blogs almost always turn into actual blogs about being a parent! Its always kind of cool to follow along with a blog that is about how much someone wants a child, and then get to be part of the celebration when that much-wanted child comes into the blogger’s life! Anyways, I don’t think anyone should have any business asking you if you are ready to have a baby or if you can afford it… thats YOUR business!
    Thanks for visiting my blog, by the way!

  26. I truly admire how much planning, research and thought you’re putting into being a parent. As far as being ready, you seem to definitely be on the right track, with you and your husband (and God’s guidance) knowing exactly when the right time is.

    Personally, there are a few things that I want to accomplish prior to having more children. My husband and I identified things that are a must and those things that are would like to have that determines our readyness level. A must for me is that I want to be able to stay/work at home so that I can fully be there for my family. Though I’m not at that point yet, it’s something that I’m working towards everyday. We are in the process of trying, which motivates me all the more to make staying home even more real…I’m definitely close to achieving this.

    I’ve learned that some people naturally want to give advice or make comments, even when they don’t know what to say, don’t have all the facts or know your thoughts & situation. You may or may not receive good thoughts. Don’t be afraid to hear someone out. But definitely keep their comments in perspective and not take rude remarks to heart. People will be people, rise above unwise comments:-)

    Ciao for now,

    Blog: My Business Adventures – A Mom’s Real-Time Journey Starting a New Business.

  27. I can totally relate…..the funniest thing i had happen to me was after my hubby and I found out we were expecting our first baby (which was planned)…..we ‘proudly’ announced it to our family and later that week we received a present from my father in law….it was obviously a book and as i was opening it i was thinking ‘oh how sweet, he’s bought us something like ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’……but NO it was a book on CONTRACEPTION????? what the????? my hubby and I awkwardly said ‘um er thanks’ and i quickly left the room to have a ‘rant’ about ‘can you believe that – how rude blah blah blah’….. despite this, we often now laugh about how ludicrous it was, and often make fun of getting pregnant people contraception books!!! sometimes you just have to laugh at the ‘crazy sometimes rude things people say and do 🙂 (but not always 🙂

  28. I think the comment can you afford a baby really makes no sense, I mean who can? You can say logically my insurance will cover this much so I will save this much, but what if the insurance goes away, your husband loses his job, you lose yours, the baby is born early I mean there are so many factors that planning to have a baby makes no sense EVER:D thats why when I told my in laws we were expecting (2 months after getting married, hey it was a surprise to us too) they kinda flipped out. They don’t get the attitude of I put my faith where it needs to be and it will all work out, and they don’t even know we pay tithing:D So really what I find interesting is the people who are appalled that you have this disire that you want to share with the world, you can just think hey you are probably more scared than I am which is why you are acting the way you are.
    I currently am having issues having a second child, and I get it all the time at church why don’t you have another one yet (granted mine is only 18 months:D) so I get where youare coming from, and my newest obsession is talking about my doctors appointments and my stupid ovaries, and friends that really get you will understand that this is the biggest deal to you right now, and will listen even if it is the millionth time they have heard it. Just make sure you return the favor!

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