The Break
If you’ve been reading about my dilemma here and then the conversations here then you know what I mean when I say I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’ve come to terms with the fact that everything will work out. I think I want to address two ideas that were brought up in the comments section and wrap up my whiny rants and pull my husband out from under the bus.
First, on not using birth control, but not trying… Hubs is definitely not down for that… And while I wouldn’t see it as actively “trying” I still would say it kind of is.. I mean, yea. I never really got that myself, when my friends would say they weren’t on birth control but weren’t trying for a baby. I guess it depends on the way you feel… If you don’t care if you get pregnant either way, maybe it’s not really a feeling of “trying” for a baby, but if you’re disappointed when you get your visit from aunt flow, maybe deep down you are… Just a thought.
As for my mentioning of my invisible window of opportunity… I’m not talking about my age. I know I’m young, and technically should be able to make babies for quite some time. To be honest, it use to confuse and kind of upset me when young women would tell me they wanted to start trying ASAP because something may happen and they won’t be able to later on. I didn’t get why they would say something so–So, negative sounding. I’m not sure if it’s a religious, cultural belief, or a wives tale that’s been passed on, I have no idea what it is, and I don’t think anyone can until they feel it themselves.
I don’t feel like if I don’t have a child NOW I may not ever be able to, but I do feel like now is the right time, but my strong impression of that feeling is diminishing and I’m not sure if it’s because maybe it’s not the time, or because the time is coming and going… This time. –Did all of that jibber jabber make sense? Basically, I know my feelings for wanting a child right now are beyond myself and my own feelings, I know that this time, it’s much more than baby hunger or an urge.
Anyway, I’m not really trying to bring it up anymore, we’ll come together on it eventually… The last thing I want to do us push him into something he really doesn’t want and he resent me/our child for it. I couldn’t really see that happening but ya never know! If one of us has to be miserable and depressed I’d rather it be me than him anyway. I may still get my IUD taken out soon though, a compromise we’re debating (letting the hormones wear off while using a non-hormonal form of BC). We have a doctor’s appointment next month, we’ll see how that goes. Oh and I will mention that after dropping the subject, he has already brought up the conversation TWICE today. He says he really wants to have a child right now too but doesn’t feel like it would be a responsible thing to do because we’re not “financially” able. After just hearing him out I’ve decided to let it go for now. I still feel the way I do but I feel like he’ll come around on his own if we’re suppose to.
On a side note…I went to the dentist today and he said I have some work to get done… 13 cavities!! WHATEVER! Ok, no joke.. I think he’s trying to rip me off. I went to the dentist 9 months ago and was told I had great teeth, no cavities! Oh, and I’ve only had 1 cavity in my entire life! Now all of a sudden I have 13? Not buying it! I’m going to get a second opinion… If I can figure out how that works. Either way I’ve gotta get that done beforehand right?
I’m glad you feel a little better about it now, I really felt sad after reading your last post with all the tears going on. One thing I’ve learned is that when the Spirit is dealing with you it will keep “nagging” at you for a while. So when it’s time you will definitely know.
As for the dentist thing before being pregnant. I asked my OBGYN about it and why they say that and he explained to me that it’s the bacteria and germs from the dental work can get into the blood stream or something like that. But he never told me either way which I should do. I made the decision myself not to go. When pregnant you kinda have to pick and choose what you will do in certain situations. For example, they tell you not to eat deli meat from the deli while you are pregnant unless you steam it first. This is due to listeria. I followed this for the first several months but before it was all daid and done I began eating it again.
I’m a dentist and you can get fillings done while pregnant, just get a clearance letter from your OB, when you do get pregnant.
That’s a lot of cavities for 9 months, maybe you should get a second opinion.
Hello! I have been reading your blog for a month or two now, and I have really enjoyed it. I Finally decided to make a comment. I am in a similar situation. I feel like it’s time for a baby… then i don’t! I am ALWAY FLIP FLOPPING! I think trying to figure out when to have a baby is the hardest decision to make (at least for me!) or, maybe it just isn’t time and I am being impatient! Either way… good luck to you and your baby making decision and keep up the great posts!!!
I’m glad you are feeling better 🙂 and I hope everything will work out how you wish 🙂
Lots of fillings to be done! It seems really a lot for 9 months hmm… I would definitely get a second opinion 🙂
It’s good you’ve come to terms with your husbands opinion on the matter for now. I also mentioned to my hubby that I want him to be ready too. I feel the same as you about not wanting them to resent the mom or the baby. Maybe it’s like everyone who wants their spouses to attend church with them. Maybe by some type of example they’ll change their mind and do what you were hoping all along. As far as the dentist goes I would definitly go to another one and see what he says. Never having more than 1 cavity before and then all of a sudden 13 sounds far fetched. Especially if your teeth don’t bother you.
Yes, hubby’s opinion matters…but why not come up with an exact plan….
We do
1.
2.
3.
and 4.
We save this much money…be very specific….and then we’ll start trying to have a baby…just an idea.
Yep, second opinion on the dentist. But I will add a couple thoughts. I used to have great teeth. Then I got older and stopped eating as many milk products due to my lactose intolerance. That started causing issues with my teeth. Then I moved to a house that doesn’t use city water with fluoride in it. Another cause for more dental issues. ( That can also happen if all you ever drink is bottled water.) Then the last pain in the mouth thing happened. I got pregnant! I think my baby sucked the calcium from my teeth. According to my dentist that is pretty normal, but yikes!
Just some factors that can mess with perfection. Blah!
Glad ya’ll talked! I still think he’s scared. Especially since he brought the subject up a couple more times. It’s in his head swimming around. Give him some time but don’t give up and stop discussing it. Maybe take the urgency out of your discussions and just relax into the topic for awhile.
Good Luck with the decision making. ((hugs))
I’m sure you’ve heard it, and I know hearing it can make someone roll their eyes, but after living it, it’s the truth.
There will NEVER be the most perfect time to have a baby. There will always be a reason to wait, there will always be financial stress.
If you believe in God, (I do), do you believe that if God grants you this miracle, He will provide what you need? It may not be high-society living, but babies truthfully don’t need a lot of material things, regardless of what stores push. 😉
As far as going free of birth control…once you learn your cycle and the facts about your own cycle, I think it’s hard to still argue that.
We learned 2 different methods of NFP, and by now, whether I want to or not, I know when I am fertile w/o a doubt. And I don’t always have regular cycles!
With a little bit of observing, it’s freeing to let yourselves be more open. At least it in our case.
Not pushing the pregnancy, but trying to offer some insight.
I know exactly how you feel. I am going through the same thing right now. I have this nagging feeling that is beyond me and being ‘baby hungry’. My husband has a hard time understanding it and would like to wait until he is finished with school, or until we are more financially stable. Each conversation about it I end up crying as well. It’s hard to compromise with myself between my feelings and not wanting to be so pushy that I completly trun him off of the idea.
Maybe they need to be reminded that God doesn’t give us trials that we can’t handle. He will take care of us always. If He blesses us with a baby, he will make sure we can give that baby the care it needs.
Thanks for being so open about it though! It helps to know there is someone else feeling the same way! : )
It sounds like a lot of people are in the same boat. Either the wife or the husband want to have kids, but for one reason or another one of them is not on board yet! I think it would be way too stressful for Cory right now, we have a lot on our plate for the next year or so. I think my big problem is I don’t LOVE my job!!! I wonder when I will ever get out.!. But it’s ok, we’ll both be on board someday. What happens with the second or third baby though, what if the same situation arises, one wants it the other doesn’t. When does it ever work out. Sheesh!
You better get a second opinion! Oh my word, that is ridiculous!!!
Love!
Thanks for visiting my blog via UBP!
Ah, I remember those days of “should we, shouldn’t we”.
I think a lot of people (like us) who say they’re not using birth control but they’re not “trying” are usually still using some form of BC, just not hormonal. I’ve been off the pill now for 5 years, using only Fertility Awareness Method and withdrawl. We only got pregnant via clomid, so we’re really not that worried about an oops. But it could happen. If it does it does. We’re not worried about it at this point. And I’m certainly not upset when Aunt Flo comes to visit. In fact, many months I’m thanking my lucky stars!
Did you switch dentists? It’s common to get little divots in teeth (tiny holes that are technically cavities, but that are not very deep) and some dentists leave them–there is no proof that they will get deeper, they may just stay as a divot for years… Some dentists feel that they should fill every one. My favorite dentist said he prefers not to fill them unless they are more than halfway through the enamel because enamel is stronger than the filling material, so why drill away good stuff to put in a filling if it’s not absolutely necessary…
Anyway, before getting a head full of fillings, I’d see a second opinion.
Hey Future Mama, I linked to you over at my blog. You got me thinking about crunchy, chewy, etc.
I loved what Hilary Belnap said and it is the reason that I am ready for a baby – it is the only way to get out of my job! Good luck picking the right timing for you!
I just caught up on the last few posts. Sorry about the drama! My hubby has been the same way, always saying he wanted more kids but “later”. What does that mean! It drove me crazy. I honestly feared that he would never get to the point he was willing to try again (we have 1). It made me so sad.
He has just finally agreed to try. I don’t know for sure what lead to the change, but I’m thrilled. You will eventually end up on the same page. I know it’s hard to wait!
And yes, you should get a 2nd opinion on the cavities. That sounds fishy.
You’re never gonna feel like you have all the money together because stuff comes up. You’ll work it out though.
Girl, when I say I’ve been there with your last two posts, I’ve BEEN THERE. Let’s be honest, it’s not like I’m a spring chicken. We constantly trade off– he’s ready, then I’m ready, then life happens (our current state), and the cycle starts over (no pun intended). Some days I wish I would have listened to promptings in the past, other times I’m grateful I’ve waited. Wish I could tell you “do this and this and this and THEN you will know when the right time is!” But, as you can tell, I certainly don’t have that figured out.
I understand how hard it would be to not be on the same page as your man with the babymaking thing! One of my best friends was so ready to have a baby for awhile (we’re talking like a year) but her husband was just not feeling it. He tried to feel like he wanted to … he just couldn’t make himself. After a lot of hard times and praying and blessings and patience and talking, he came around and they are pregnant and so excited about it! Don’t give up!
Definitely get a second opinion, Girl!
Also…I totally get what you’re saying about “not trying, not preventing.” 🙂 I just thought I’d kick that one out there for fun.
I gotta speak my mind…ignore me if you must. LOL.
First, GET a second opinion on your teeth. FOR SURE!
Second, you don’t have to use hormonal birth control…have you read, Taking charge of your fertility? YOU NEED TO. Either buy it used from Amazon (about $11 or hope to get it soon from PBS) and feel free to use my portal to order it. LOL.
Third, we were there 5 years ago when we first got married. Someone I looked up to asked what exactly we were waiting for. Nothing is ever going to be “right”. The stars will never line up perfectly. We will never have enough money.
Lastly, babies DO NOT have to cost a lot. Cloth diaper, breast feed, hold the baby instead of buying all those millions of baby holding devices, buy used clothing and friends and fellow bloggers will give you everything you need.
The biggest expense is the hospital…homebirth. LOL. almost free.
Just my 2 cents.
My husband and I have been in the same exact situation as you and yours regarding starting a family. I was ready, he said we were not financially ready. I agree with the previous commenter who said you will never be financially ready.
And NFP is a great thing to use as BC. Definitely read TCOYF by Toni Welscher and get a BBT thermometer 🙂
Hey Future Mama, I linked to you over at my blog. You got me thinking about crunchy, chewy, etc.
My husband and I have been in the same exact situation as you and yours regarding starting a family. I was ready, he said we were not financially ready. I agree with the previous commenter who said you will never be financially ready.
And NFP is a great thing to use as BC. Definitely read TCOYF by Toni Welscher and get a BBT thermometer 🙂
Hello! I have been reading your blog for a month or two now, and I have really enjoyed it. I Finally decided to make a comment. I am in a similar situation. I feel like it’s time for a baby… then i don’t! I am ALWAY FLIP FLOPPING! I think trying to figure out when to have a baby is the hardest decision to make (at least for me!) or, maybe it just isn’t time and I am being impatient! Either way… good luck to you and your baby making decision and keep up the great posts!!!