The Adversary

Is that was it is telling me now may not be the right time, or is it from my head, or even the Good Guys? Other than that I know there are some quote unquote: Worldly– Sources too.

Take Sex and the City for example (I watched the TBS version ok?) These four women are obviously all in different stages of life. One is a successful columnist, dating the same guy forever… They finally get married and she’s like in her 40s. Another woman is a sex addict, doesn’t even really want a serious relationship, much less a marriage and kids and nearing 50. Then there’s the career-driven lawyer woman with a kid and so-so marriage and the happily married professional gone stay-at-home mom with a couple of kids.

I know it’s a TV show ok? But in watching this show I thought how cool it was to see different women in completely different situations and being totally happy with where they were. All of them were in their mid 30s plus. AND they were living in New York City!! (I’ve gotta get there).

Then, last week I turn on Larry King. Beyonce is on (love the girl) and talking to him about being a newlywed and what not–How they keep their relationship private etc. (smart girl). Well what got me was when Larry King brought the question of kids to the table. She told him of course she wanted kids, but she’s so young and has so much more she wants to accomplish first while she’s young. She’s only 27… Wow! That’s 4 years older than me!

It’s not that I can’t accomplish things after having children but sometimes I think I’ve come so far so fast–What can I do with another few years?

Then I have days where I get on the phone with one of my best friends (the not yet pregnant one). We both get each other COMPLETELY on the topic of kids–Wanting them, husbands not, friends having them–Jealousy. Well lately her husband seems to be coming around and we were talking about that when I got on one of my rants about how after kids you can never go back.

I told her: “I love looking at cute little babies and toddlers with their families but then I think of what it’ll be like 5 or ten years from then, we don’t stare and adore those families at church right now, or the parents with teenagers. We just like the cute little babies, but what about when they grow up? We can’t just go back to being married without kids. When even they move away then there’s college and weddings and grand kids to worry about! It never ends!!”

After spilling my brains of the topic I constantly dwell over the only thing she could say was “That’s true. I never thought of it that way.” I was a little upset… She was suppose to disagree with me or tell me it didn’t matter. But nope… “I never thought of it that way,” was it.

I told the same thing to another friend who recently had a baby (who I happen to babysit and love–More on that coming later) and lucky for me he said “You say that all in 30 seconds but it happens in a span of over 20 years, it doesn’t all come at you at once.” Although an obviously observation, it calmed me a little. It’s just weird to think I’ve lived just over 20 years myself and the next 20 could be dedicated to other people– Selfishness gone. I’m not sure what I think of that.

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  1. What your friend with kids said is true. I used to think the same way, but watching my niece grow up has changed all of that… I used to think gah I have to potty train a toddler, they have to go to school and do school projects (i am not crafty), they will want to go to prom and date, they will eventually be going to collge (how will we pay for that), get married (again those funds are coming from where?)… but then Ava came along I could watch her grow and I have learned so much from my sister (Karmen, we’re twins) and seeing what she goes through with Ava… Yes they grow up fast but the time between each major hurdle gives you a little breather…

    So you are 23? I am 23 also, I will be 24 in August, when is your birthday?

    Zach and I have talked about having a baby in the near future but with him being away in the Army right now it is kind of hard to make any major decisions like that… when he comes home in June we might talk about it and decide when we want to start trying. I would rather it be sooner than later because I don’t want to be 30 having my first child… not that there is anything wrong with that, I personally just don’t want to wait that long… you know?

    Anyways, I have to get back to work… Just wanted to take a moment and send you some encouragement! Have a great day!

  2. I used to worry a lot about the future things. When I was pregnant, I worried about how I would finish school and what labor would be like. Then I worried about breastfeeding, and when my kid would roll over/crawl/walk/eat solids/talk/etc. I’m learning to just not worry any more. Life moves on, we love the moments we are in, but we don’t have to worry about the future. All we have to do is make sure we are ready for the now. (Not that we don’t have to be prepared for the future!) Sure, you could get a lot done with your life without kids, but just think of how much you would be getting done WITH kids! I love enjoying the present. It’s quite relaxing, yet totally exciting!

  3. I completely know where you are coming from. I have always been a little afraid that I would not like my kids anymore once they got to the school years. Well, not really… but kind of. But my son will be five in October and will start kindergarten in September and I still like him. 🙂 Of course. Only you can ever really know if you are ready to have kids and even when you feel ready you will still be faced with doubts. Trust me. 🙂

  4. I have to admit, my husband and you would be best friends! He’s always wanted kids, basically from the first year we got married, and here we are a few a month shy of our 5th year, he’s still asking and I’m still terrified of the idea!

    I’d like to say that it wanned after my little sister had both her kids, but it didn’t. I saw how much she did for them, and I still panic at the idea of “giving up” my life from now on (yea, that’s how I put it, it drives hubs insane, lol). I’m hoping one day that the mommy-feeling will just kick me in the stomach because we both turn 26 in July, and I never thought I’d waiting this late in life to have a baby! *lol*

  5. Frankly, the day you got married was the end of your “me” days. Now you have “we” time, it’s true…and you still get to focus on yourself somewhat, but you have to take your spouse into consideration.
    The transition to having kids is comparable. Yes, it’s a change, and yes, you’ll get to think of yourself less as you need to think of them more…but there are rewards too. I, for one, look back on my pre-marriage days (when it was all about me), and sure, I was more carefree and yeah, I had fun then…but my life now is MUCH more fulfilling. i wouldn’t trade it.

  6. I firmly believe that one of Father’s many purposes of parenthood is to help us overcome selfishness. To be celestial, we cannot be selfish. If that’s our goal (it is mine!), then we need to fully invest ourselves in and to it. I really believe whenever we feel a pull away from the idea of family, it is the Deceiver. Unless we receive confirmation that our time is not yet, or that our family has reach the size Father has in mind for it, we have work to do yet! How can it not be so if we seek to submit our Will to His… that’s the only gift we have that is ours (since he gave it to us with no strings attached)?

    Oh, and the getting over being selfish thing… I think for most of us, this is a lifelong process. I have good days in which I feel easily able to devote myself to my three wonderful girls. And other days during which I feel that my sweet daughters are frustrating, annoying, and a burden. Those days are not my best and I am NOT proud of them. But they happen. I do hope (and think) that they happen less frequently lately than they did when my eldest (5) was a toddler and younger. It’s SO much a process… life. And Motherhood is certainly a part of THAT (life)! (Or at least, hopefully it is!)

  7. Before you actually have kids, you can list the pros and cons of starting a family and the cons will outweigh the pros by quite a bit. The reason for that is that you can’t fully appreciate the pros of having a baby until you actually DO.

    I know everyone says it changes your life completely. It’s a common thing to hear. The truth is, for most people, it’s a welcome change. It’s the happiest (and craziest) time of my and my husbands lives. We feel closer to each other and we don’t look at kids as a set back. I LOVE to travel and my son is only 15 months old and just since he was born we have been on 4 big trips and coutless little road trips. (and we are both still in college)

    My point is, while it’s important to consider and plan for the way a baby will affect your life, don’t stress about what you might miss out on because of the demands of motherhood. The Lord has a plan for your family, just trust him to tell you when it’s right.

    I understand the conflicting feelings though, I have been there before. It lasted right up until I delivered my baby boy. After that, I never looked back. The rewards far outweigh the costs.

  8. My career had just been starting to look good and promising when I pregnant. I was on the dilemma. Then I get pregnant, and it was my plan too, I decided to get pregnant. Of course from time to time, I think that without the baby on my trail I can “fly” higher, grabbing greater opportunities. 8 months after delivering the baby, I know I can’t compete with those men (who, even have a baby or two, still can compare with moms) and single ladies or married gals without a baby, but I’m feeling much contented. The sweet smell of the crease of my baby’s neck, her chattering, cooing, and her sleepy face, is all worth it.

  9. I sometimes feel like right now isn’t the right time yet too. It might not be a big deal to wait a while longer but if I have to wait for longer then a year I just might throw a tissy! I think that once you’re ready to have a kid you don’t really worry much about what it’ll be like as they get older. You know who they are as they age and it makes their lives all the more special to you. Yes there will be the tantrums during all ages of their lives but they do end and understanding grows. As far as college and weddings and mission and such? Don’t worry about them. If you have the funds to help your kids safe for them that’s great! If you don’t don’t feel like you’re unprepared or a bad parent. Some of us just can’t find the spare change to fund such large events. They learn to be modest and humble with their budget when they have to fend for themselves on such events anyhow. I know first hand. They can earn scholarships for college and work for everything else. My wedding was very small. We had it at the church (since it was free) and had my bishop marry us. We invited only family and the friends that came were my two closest and my husbands two closest in our line. We were able to use table and chairs there at the church and decorated with all the silk plants, trees, etc. we could find from the local furniture store. They let us borrow the plants for free too. You can do anything on a tight budget as long as you stay creative. Don’t worry to much about the future. Enjoy the now and take everything else as it comes.

  10. I like this post. It’s so true how the Sex in the City girls are all at different places in their lives, but their lives are perfect for them. Even though it’s fiction it definitely shows that everyone has their own goals and time lines. Something that is great for one person isn’t always the best for someone else.

  11. oh my gosh, you’re so young! I love it! I’m 22 and haven’t even been married for a year but man do I want kids. We have to wait a little and I know my husband would have a heart atack if I fell pregnant now! Hahahaha!
    I have 4 years to go before I have kids (I totally feel you on the not being a control freak on the day to day asspects of like, but like to have long term plans).
    So, I will be reading you’re blog A LOT and learning from you in the next four years!

    So, you’re an African American / Black (Which term is more PC now?) married to a white guy? I’m a black South African married to a white German guy (who is only 23 so we can understand why he is not ready for kids yet) and living in Germany.

    I feel like I have found a long lost twin in you! I swear I’m not a creepy type of person 😉

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