I’ve never been good with choices. It’s not that I make bad ones, no it’s not that… It’s the fact that it takes me FOREVER to make a decision. I’ll go to the convenient store for toothpaste and literally stand down that isle for a half hour, debating which brand and kind to get.
Crest? That’s what my family always got… But it could just be overrated, what about this generic brand? Too generic? Not as good for my teeth? What about whitening? Does it have fluoride? Overnight kind?… Oooh, dentist recommended! –Wait, they all say that. Which one’s bigger? This one stands on it’s own! Extra strength? …It fights what?–Does this one do that? Which one’s cheaper?… But you get what you pay for. Should I just get both?
Yes, I’ve actually done this before, and do it on a regular basis with the tiniest things. It’s for that reason that my husband HATES grocery shopping with me. We have to set a time limit, and he’ll often find me standing down an isle appearing as though I’m about to make the biggest decision of my life while I’m debating between something “extra strength” and “sensitive.”
So take that example and multiply it by a BILLION… That’s about how hard it is for me to decide when the right time to have a baby is.
I know I could have a kid now and be a “good mom”… Good enough at least. But I sometimes worry I’d be selfish for doing it now, when just a little longer, I could provide so much more.
I hear a lot of women say “Make sure you and your husband are both 100% on board before you go for it.” And “You’ll just know when you’re ready!” Well guess what? I’m ready… Well, I am now, but when I was typing that last paragraph… I wasn’t. I literally am flip flopping back and forth like a political candidate.
So how long is the 100% feeling suppose to last? I’m pretty sure I have a record for holding the 100% feeling for about a month or so… And it was a “Yes” like “answer to prayers, ‘yes'” But then I woke up one day and thought “I’m ok waiting a little longer”… And draw up a list of things I’d like to accomplish, and that feeling went away.– Guess I wasn’t ready.
I hear other women say “You’ll never be TOTALLY ready, just do it!” And I’m not sure if they mean ready mentally and emotionally, or just physically and economically.– Yea, I suppose I’d survive either way. Others who have taken the leap before me haven’t fallen into a disaster… For the most part anyway. I mean hey… They didn’t die! And 100% of them tell me they love it 90% of the time, about 50% of the time.
You know that feeling of 100% assurity they guarantee you you’ll get? Well what if you’ve had that but then it goes away? Was it a false call? Or were you never really “ready” anyway? I need some answers here and we can’t be vague. Cause I’m the kind of person who has an ounce of doubt, with something this big… It aint happenin.–Remember the toothpaste?
Ok, maybe I’m too unstable… Mentally that is, with this topic and life decision. Maybe it’s not the right time. But what if next month it is?… For a week, but then what if the next day I’m not but then the next I’m pregnant?!
And don’t even think about adding a husband’s opinion into this equation… Do that and you’ll have a whole heckofa mess! Some say “you both need to be on board 100%” then others say “If we waited until my husband was ready we’d still be waiting, he’s ready once reality hits him.” Well which one is it? I go both ways–Depending on my mood.
I think part of my problem is the fact that I over-analyze, and since I’m not pregnant, it’s easy to debate back and forth whereas if I was, I’d just go with it…
I literally had a conversation with a friend the other day that went something like this:
“So, babymakinmooon huh?, Where are you thinking of going?”
“Well, if next month than South Padre Island, if in six months Jamacia and if in a year, maybe Trinidad.”
“Wow, you just changed your time line from a few weeks to a year in six seconds”
Maybe I’ll make a new rule… I have to be certain for at least a month, no doubts… But then again are doubts normal every now and then? I’m grateful for choices but this one’s not easy.
The good news is, I’m not alone… Am I? I’m pretty sure there are people out in the world who have felt the way I’m feeling now. If you don’t mind, tell me your sign, as I’m thinking it’s a Capricorn thing.
Oh man, I’ve rambled so much with this post I’m not even sure I want to publish it. Ok I won’t.. no, maybe I will… nah… Ok yea… Wait, no..y-..n–