Since I’m already going to Hell…


I’m so confused right now. I can’t stop crying. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m hormonal, if it’s because I normally cry a lot or who knows… Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant–Believe it or not, right now..right this second… I hope not, even though at least I’d have a good excuse for the hysterics. Today it started with this.

I’m finally starting to cheer up a little as I just I downed half a carton of brownie bites.

Just to set the record straight. I don’t care who reads my blog… I really don’t. I don’t care if you are related to me, if you stalk my blog and never comment, or if you make fun of my blog behind my back… Whatever. Obviously I wouldn’t have this public blog if I was a private person, and all of my stranger-blog friends don’t even know my real name.

My husband however, does not like my blog at the moment. He has always been a very private person, and doesn’t like people we know reading “private things,” such as my crush on Kris Allen, how french fries are my favorite food, or how I really want to go to Disneyland, and even probably the fact that I’ve watched ‘R’ rated movies. So, yea, you could only imagine how this blog has crossed the line from time to time.

If you couldn’t tell, the name of my blog implies I have sex with my husband… Big whoop! I’d hope most women do (with their own husbands). And while I find the topic of having children intriguing, confusing, and exciting, he just sees it as private. I disagree. So I’ll be working out some kind of compromise with him, but in the mean time… DON’T talk to him about it. It’s a sore subject. So you talking to him about my blog, or us TTC (or perhaps not after this) is just NOT a good idea. Ok? Thanks!

I don’t think my thoughts on the topic, or my excitement about it should be kept inside… ESPECIALLY since he hardly wants to talk to me about it. Anyway… this is a GIRL THING! What man do you know who goes around talking to his buddies about trying to have a kid? NOT MINE!

To be honest there was a time that I considered NOT blogging about TTC but why not? I’ve been talking about everything leading up to that… Why not share my anxieties, my fears, my excitements of this part of my life? I LIKE getting feedback from women who have been through the same thing. I LIKE hearing that I’m not alone.

I know that my family is there for me, but sometimes it’s just easier to talk to someone you don’t “know” but you know understands you… Someone who has recently been there, or who is going through the same thing. And to be honest, if I HADN’T been writing out my feelings.. Blogging about this experience my emotions, and thinking through my research… I don’t think I would have come to this conclusion so quickly. I refuse to censor, and I don’t want to go private.

Anyway, I’m sorry to rant, I’m just very emotional right now. I am not getting a holiday weekend and today was my 7th day working in. a. row! And again… I’m just VERY EMOTIONAL!

I do feel different but I’m not sure if it’s possible to actually be pregnant YET (5DPO) … And I don’t think I’m that kind of person who’s “lucky” enough to be one of the 25% of people who gets pregnant in the first month. If I am… That’ll explain a lot (post on my phantom symptoms coming soon) but my bet is it’ll take a few months.

Now please excuse me while I go cry some more and finish downing the rest of the brownies.

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