My husband and I were walking around the mall with our daughter. He was pushing her in the stroller as we passed Victoria’s Secret. I looked at the huge poster hanging from the display window of a beautiful Victoria’s Secret angel and said “I wish I was that skinny.”
This is a stark contrast from the young girl who growing up hated being skinny. I got made fun of, called names, and hated when I was photographed. In middle school I was sent to the guidance counselor because someone accused me of having an eating disorder.
In high school boys didn’t like me as much because I didn’t have “enough meat on my bones.”
When girls in college told me they were jealous of my size I told them not to be. That it was a curse more than a blessing, and that I would trade in a second if I could just gain some weight.
I had never looked at the models with envy and longed for their tooth pick figures, and wondered why anyone else would want that.
I can most definitely testify to the grass being greener on the other side. And now here I am on the other side. Gaining weight wasn’t easy when I was skinny, and loosing it isn’t any easier. But with determination, bit my bit I’m getting there, and I’m hoping to stay on top of it.
I’ve found myself uncomfortable in my own skin at times. I’m not wearing makeup as much, and I’m skipping buying clothes for myself so my daughter can have more. Meanwhile I’m stuck avoiding my stretched-out maternity clothes, and pre-baby clothes I can’t quite squeeze into until I lose the baby weight.
I’m too scared to step on a scale. My fear stemmed from my husband buying a scale recently, and naturally, I wanted to weigh myself. I weighed only five pounds less than my highest pregnancy weight.
That can’t be right. I thought. To this day I don’t think it was because it also put my husband at ten or so pounds heavier, and it never seems to zero out (it’s one of those arrow-spinning scales). But I’m still avoiding weighing myself. Weight is such an arbitrary number anyway right? Who cares how much I weigh?
More than weight I think I just want to be able to buy clothes in a size I’m comfortable wearing, and be able to just feel confidant again. I told my husband I don’t feel attractive and he told me it’s all about confidence. It wasn’t exactly the reaction I was looking for but it was probably the one I needed to hear. When you feel good about yourself I think others can tell.
So what am I doing to feel more confidant?
1. Well, I’m still on the hunt for skinny jeans. I tried on a few pair at the mall (luckily before I walked past the skimpy lingerie store and got green with envy) and it was quite the work out! Getting them on and off my calf and ankle was seriously strenuous. So far I REALLY like the Old Navy brand, and the price is right, but I’m still wanting to try a designer brand to see if they fit or feel any better. I want to hit up Ross–One of my favorite stores and get some new tops that fit me, and don’t hang like maternity shirts.
2. I want to keep cooking and eating better. I like to blame breastfeeding for me hanging on to extra baby fat like a reserve for my daughter, but I also had to blame myself. I was eating out way too much and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be. I’m making at least three dinners a week now which is more than ever in my entire life. *Pats myself on the back*.
3. I signed up for another yoga class with my workout buddy (pictured below). Now that Lil’ J is older she can crawl around and play with the other babies while i get more of a workout. We just registered for another eight week class.
|My workout buddy. Attire from Agoo.|
I also will do cardio, either at home, running, or stroller strides–something I’d still like to try. I love spending time with my daughter and I’m trying to keep her with me as I cook and exercise–1. So I have company and 2. So she can see what it’s like to live a healthy life starting at a young age.
3. I’m going to apply makeup, even if it’s just lipstick and eyeliner outside of work. I want to look nice off-air too.
And finally, 4. It’s a total shot in the dark but I’m trying a postpartum weight loss supplement. I figure what the heck, it couldn’t hurt, it has fenugreek and other vitamins in it which help with milk production (I’ve noticed it working in that department) but it’s also suppose to help with fat burning. I’m normally not a sucker for these types of things but I figured I’d try it and see how it goes. I’ll let you know. But I imagine with a combination of a healthy diet and exercise routine, I should notice some improvements.
Nine months and counting. That’s how long I’ve been breastfeeding and with all of the raving about it helping to lose pregnancy weight I thought I’d be back to my pre-baby size by now. And last week I did something I never in a million years thought I’d do.