Motherhood With a Side of Paranoia

I took nap with my daughter the other day and when we awoke I noticed she was cross-eyed. Actually it was more like reverse-cross-eyed. One of her eyes was looking at me and the other was drifting off to the left. I immediately wondered if my sleeping with her could have caused this new development.–Caused her to go blind.

I yelled to my husband to have him come look and I held back the tears I could feel forming.
“She always looks like that,” he told me.
“She always looks cross-eyed?” I didn’t believe it. Anyways, I had stared at her 1000Xs more than he had. I would have noticed.
“She’s just tired, she just woke up,” he tried to console me, and hide a chuckle.
“What if she’s going blind?” My paranoia wouldn’t let down.
He snapped his fingers in his direction and she looked over at him. I was satisfied but only later thought of the fact that she could have been reacting to the sound of him snapping and not his fingers moving.
I fed her, and kept watching her eyes and noticed when she was looking normal again. Then I realized this is going to be a long hard journey.
I’m a hypochondriac. I’ve pretty much always self-diagnoised myself with all sorts of sicknesses and diseases. I claim I have mono when I’m actually just sleepy. I’m convinced I have a heart disease because I watched a special about Marfans on the Health Channel and so many of the symptoms explain my issues. I thought I had cancer when I discovered a lump in my breast (I actually did have to have it surgically removed. Luckily it was benign, but you can imagine my fear when they said it wasn’t a cyst).
Now, unfortunately my delusions have carried over with my child. I can’t read anything about babies and illness without worrying about Lil’ J.
I pray every night that she’ll be alive when I wake up and often jump up startled in the middle of the night when I realize I haven’t heard her stir in awhile. I googled “green poop” when I saw a diaper full of it this morning. I hate that I’m acting this way but truthfully, I’ve done this with my dog–So it’s only expected that with my own child it’s magnified by a thousand.
Some friends told me about baby motion monitors and I’m thinking of getting one. This may put me in the category of “cuckoo” but I think it’ll also give me a little piece of mind, and maybe help me sleep a little better.
I’ve heard a lot of good things about the Angel Care monitor but I’m thinking of getting a Snuza since it’s more easily portable and has a vibration that will ring on baby if se doesn’t breath or move for 15 seconds. The alarm sounds 5 seconds later if still nothing.
It’s not about vanity, it’s about my sanity. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be sane again–Now that I’m a mom, but at least I can admit I need help.
CNS Stores sells bedroom vanity items, and nursery amenities including a few motion baby monitors and I’m hoping to buy one soon!- Sponsored.

Similar Posts


  1. Ah, Jenn … you’re a good mom, that’s all! Believe me, I have had my share of “his penis doesn’t look right and he’s going to be infertile later on!” episodes. Then there was the time when I thought he didn’t have a soft spot and Dillon had to point it out to me. I am telling you, babies will make you a nervous wreck and it doesn’t get any easier the more you have.

  2. Poor heart.

    It may or may not make you feel better that I still occasionally go check on my 3 year old to make sure he is breathing. Although there was much more peace of mind once he turned 1.

  3. I had an Angel care monitor after my son passed from SIDS. It was a lifesaver, I never had to worry if my daughter had stopped breathing and I got much needed sleep. I highly recommend it

  4. You’ll get used to the mommy thing soon, I promise! I remember giving my first little guy a nudge if it took more than 5 seconds between breaths when he was sleeping. I did know that babies don’t have the most regular breathing in the world, but that didn’t stop me from worrying and waking him. And I wonder why he’s my neurotic one…

    BTW, that is a fanTAStically good link work-in. LOL

  5. I have the Angel Care monitor, but that other one sounds nice. Our Angel Care went off a few times when Dustyn was a baby. He was fine, but don’t know if the loud alarm woke him out of his deep no breathing sleep or if it was a fluke. Never know. I kind of like the idea of the vibrating because that alarm would make him scream because it was so loud.

  6. Awww I can definitely relate. Esp when my newborn son wouldn’t sleep on his back. And he’s 5mos now and still won’t. The cross eyed thing is normal though. I freaked when Austin looked the same way. The doc explained that the bridge of their nose is wide right now and you can’t really see a lot of the whites of their eyes so it looks like they’re cross-eyed sometimes.

  7. FEAR…False Evidence Appearing Real! I think you need to put her into the hands of the One who made her, Who knows and loves her EVEN more than you do. You can have every device possible, check on her every minute of every day and yet you still can’t control everything. Trust me, I’m a mother of a daughter who was diagnosed with brain cancer 2 1/2 yrs ago. You know what…there’s not a darn thing I can do about it but continue to pray and ask God for a miracle. If that’s not what He has in store for her, then I pray that He’ll give all of us the strength to walk this journey that we find ourselves on. There is that peace that surpasses all understanding even in the midst of this crappy situation. If you don’t somehow find that trust and peace, you will go crazy!

  8. I still check on my 9 month old to make sure she’s still breathing (in fact… I JUST did), but I guess I check on her a little less often now than I did when she was a newborn. But not by much. It’s the way moms are. Don’t worry — you’re not alone.

    I also worried about P’s eyes for a while. I caught a couple of photos of her looking wonky and I was convinced one eye had gone lazy and she’d look weird forever or need surgery or… yeah. By the time she was beyond the newborn stage, she was fine. It was just that, like everything else about her body, her eyes needed a little time to strengthen up and get going. She hasn’t looked cross-eyed in months, so I’ve stopped worrying 🙂

    I really do think it’s just in our nature, though. After spending all of that time growing the little thing, evolution is screaming out, “TAKE CARE OF HER! YOU WANT YOUR GENES TO SURVIVE!” You can’t fight nature. You can onlydo your best to live with it and accommodate your neurosis as much as necessary without driving yourself insane.

  9. I totally understand! I am pregnant now and get nervous when I do not feel any kicks after a certain period. I think the problem is I read so many blogs and you can hear just about every good/sad story out there. Go ahead and purchase the Snuza, whatever gives you peace of mind. I think I will bookmark their website!

  10. You have to remember that God is in control! You have to let your faith in Him be more than your paranoia. He will guide you and calm you, but you have to LET Him!!! She has a room full of angels watching her that have known her longer than you or your husband. Believe in your faith and you will be the mother God put you here to be!

    Come by when you can…

  11. Funny you should mention the eyes! I’m taking my baby girl for her 4 month appointment in about an hour and a half, and I specifically want to make sure she’s not cross-eyed! I am constantly Googling everything, too! I’m sure the nurses on the other end of the hotline recognized my voice by about my baby girl’s third week. I know you feel paranoid, but I think it’s just part of doing the most important job in the world, and wanting to do it right!

  12. I did that ALOT – I imagined every bad scenario. I prayed everynight before sleep that we would wake up together, and I would go into hysterics whenever I read anything about a child dying.

    You can NEVER be too careful. But don’t drive yourself nuts! *big hugs*

    Now that he is a toddler, and hell bent on self destruction – imagining ever scenerio and protecting him ahead of time isn’t so bad!

  13. HAHA welcome to the club and ya know what, there is nothing sane about being a mommy! It is the most insane and impossible love/relationship you will ever have lol. It will be ok though 🙂


  14. Welcome to the mommy club, where every scratch, sniff and wince leads to hours of googling. I’m a total hypochondriac too. I’m always on WebMD thinking I have some weird illness. I think my husband would be happy if WebMD didn’t exist. However, it did help me diagnose appendicitis on myself, which led to surgery and two days in the hospital. Now that I have 3 kids, WebMD and I are best friends.

  15. If you are already a worry, the angel care monitor might give you a friggin heart attack int he middle of the night. We have one but since removed the beathing sensor as our has gone off like 3 times! each time we rush in just to find out baby is breathing fine!

  16. I think its normal. i kno wat u mean about the dog… my dog gets a tiny scratch on his leg and i’m freakn out. not a good sign for when my turn comes in the baby dept.

  17. Believe me, you’re not worse than every other mother – we all go through all of this! Every morning I wake up and the thought crosses my mind that something could have happened to my TWO-YEAR-OLD in the night. This has been going on for two years. lol Now I’m pregnant and trying not to worry about not feeling the baby move enough, etc. It’s just something we have to learn to handle – there is so much to being a new mommy, you have to adjust a lot. 🙂

    I spotlighted your blog at the new Spotlight Saturday Blog Hop on my blog! 🙂

  18. They eye thing is totally normal for young babies! If it continues as she gets older (closer to a year old) then you will want to get her in to an ophthalmologist, but until’s normal young baby stuff!
    (If by chance you do find this happening when she’s older, feel free to contact me – we did end up going to a specialist, but for now try not to fret and enjoy that beautiful baby!)

    Btw I found you on Spotlight Saturday. I’m your newest follower! Follow me back at if you would like!

  19. I’m pretty sure green poop does not cause crossed eyes and vice versa. Ok, I’m probably shouldn’t have been laughing but I was…sowwy…I’m a nursing student and a fellow hypochondriac. How many illnesses do you think I’ve diagnosed my perfectly healthy children with as a result of textbooks. I hear ya, you’ve got a friend in me!

  20. I didn’t read through what the other commenter said, but babies eyes do go cross at some point. My daughter’s did plenty of times within the first few weeks of her birth. I’m proud to report that she is an amazing 4 month old with normal sight!

  21. You are not alone in your mommy paranoia. It happens to all of us! When my son was an infant I thought he had brain leakage-which was just really bad/gross cradle cap. After Natasha Richardson died I started getting freaked out that he could break his skull when he hit his head.

    Don’t worry!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *