Love the Child You Have, Not the One You Wish You Had


“Mommy, what does D-O-O-R spell?”

We were riding in the car and my daughter was reading the letters off of a button. It’s not exactly the question a mom wants to hear from her 8-year-old. By “normal” standards it’s one of those words someone her age would instantly see and know. The question sent a prick of sadness through me, another reminder of her ongoing struggles.

“It says door, baby.”

A year ago I would have just told her to figure it out, offering little help, assuming she was just being lazy. Then I would have made her sound out five other traffic signs on our way down the road, just for good measure.

I was extremely insecure about my daughter’s reading struggles. Partly because I was homeschooling and I felt responsible for her being behind, and partly because she was not living up to who I thought she could be. Every time a parent told me about their child reading chapter books, or finishing another Harry Potter book I’d question why my daughter wasn’t there.

Every other subject was enjoyable for us. She grasped math concepts and could retell me stories from early American history without a problem. But she couldn’t read a Dr. Seuss book.

Love the Child You Have, Not the One You Wish You Had

A little more than a year ago I went to a little gathering that changed my life. One of my blog partners, hosts their influencers once a year in Washington, D.C. for a #TalkEarly summit to discuss ways to have open and honest conversations with our children. And how we can encourage that in our own communities. We also hear from doctors and experts in the parenting realm and just have a good uplifting time. Well, last year one of our guest speakers was Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure. A book about allowing our children to learn from their own mistakes. Resisting the urge to help them through everything because that will inhibit their ability to feel frustrated and reap the thrill of solving a problem on their own.

The entire time I kept thinking about my daughter, and her struggles with reading. I thought about the ways I’d been teaching her and listened to Jessica’s suggestions for allowing our kids to figure it out. And most of all, I heard her call to love our  kids for who they are, not who we wish they were. I had to let go of the desire of having a Harry Potter-reading 7-year-old, and accept that this just wasn’t her. Maybe she would struggle with school. Would I love her any less?

I came home from that summit and took a new approach to how I worked with her. Instead of forcing so much practice, repeating steps, and insisting she wasn’t trying hard enough, I sat back and watched how she would dissect a word. I took some of the pressure off and paid attention to how she worked. I began to realize that my pride could be getting in the way of finding out if there was another underlying issue. What could it hurt to talk to a professional and see? Maybe even rule it out.

I already shared how that went down. And the realization that my daughter is dyslexic was  still not what I expected, nor easy to swallow. Even last week at her 504 meeting, listening to her dyslexia profile evaluation results and hearing that she’s below average on reading fluency, spelling, phonological awareness, etc etc etc… It’s not news to me but it’s still difficult to hear. Still, it’s been harder for me to accept than her.

At her 8th birthday party in front of all her friends she asked if I’d read the cards to her. I later asked if that was hard for her but she told me it was no big deal.

The first week of school I asked if she felt insecure about anything and she said just getting on the wrong bus.

I write her a note every day and stick it in her lunchbox and sometimes she asks a friend to help her decipher a word.

She knows reading is, and may always be, a bit of a struggle for her. But she embraces it as a piece of the puzzle that makes her up. She knows where she has weaknesses she also has strengths. And seriously, I can thank Rick Rodian for making her believe her dyslexia is tied to her being a demigod.

I never thought I’d have a child with a learning disability/difference/whatever you want to call it. But it’s just a part of who she is.

She’s also a great little cheerleader, who wants to go to Worlds some day. And compete in all-star cheerleading in the Olympics (not a thing yet but hopefully will be). She records her own gymnastics and workout videos, then imports and edits them herself in Final Cut Pro.

Art, science and engineering are some of her best and favorite subjects, and though she says she doesn’t like it, she’s great at math. She may even apply for a STEM program for 4th and 5th graders.

And most of all, she has an incredible ability to know who she is. To politely decline doing something everyone else is doing. Or swing on the swings even if her friends prefer to sit in the shade. To look at her own artwork with pride knowing it was the best she could do. Her confidence to ask a friend, or raise her hand and say “I can’t read this,” without feeling embarrassed.

She is completely and undoubtedly aware of who she is. And it’s my job to love every bit of it.

Today’s blog sponsor is TalkEarly but the story I’ve shared and all opinions are my own. For more resources on having open and honest conversations with your children please visit

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  1. Yea.. this one made me cry a bit. It was such a great topic and one I’m sure most parents have to wrap their head around. J’s Persistence and bravery really just baffles me and makes me so happy. I can only imagine how proud you are of her! I love the mention of all her great qualities and I love that she doesn’t let any himdersnce define her. That’s something a lot of adults don’t have because their parents didn’t find out or have the ability to look pass it. Mama goals to the max.

    1. I’m so proud of her. And I LOVE how open she’s been with me. I really hope our relationship continues to go this way and that she continues to not see her challenges as a hinderance.

  2. Hi, I have had a similar struggle when I learned my 6 year old had a slight cognitive development delay which caused him to be a bit behind his classmates. We had already been taking him to speech to help with where he was struggling in that area, and it was hard on me at first to hear how he was struggling with other areas as well. We got him help through interventions classes at the school which have been greatly helping him improve, when I see how much better he does with that help it makes me feel so much easier about his learning in school. It was hard, but he just learns difderently than the other kids and it wouldn’t help him to compare him to the other kids. By loving and accepting them where he is I can help him so much more.

    1. Morgan you are absolutely right! Each kid learns differently, and we shouldn’t compare them. Sometimes that’s hard with the way the system is set up, but as parents, we can do better. I’m so glad you were able to get support for your son. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  3. My mom is dyslexic. She’s amazing. Little J is AMAZING ?
    My son picked up books and read them with ease…out of nowhere mind you…no one taught him. He’s autistic. Every child is unique.
    You’re doing a great job mama.

    1. Oh wow, that is cool! I had no idea how common it was. I’ve learned it’s genetic, but I’m still trying to figure out who else in our family might have it. Ever child is unique and it’s pretty amazing. Thank you for your kind words Salma!

  4. My amazing oldest daughter (now a parent of older children and a teacher of disabled kids) wasn’t diagnosed with her learning issues until 8th grade. Then the solution was – she’s learned to compensate on her own. Knowing you learn differently early is so much better than being told “you need to focus”, “concentrate and work harder” when you are trying and nothing helps.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience Cathy! Yes, it’s been so fascinating watching how she compensates or finds workarounds to making things work for her. It’s not keeping her down, that’s for sure!

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