Ideal Spacing of Children: He Says, She Says

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He says: “It would be great if we waited until she was in school.”

She says: “Are you crazy? HAIL no! Two years max so they can be best friends!”
What say you?

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  1. I agree with Her 😉 My kids are 2 years apart to the day! And I can’t be happier. I know it’s a bit tough having two ‘babies’ in the house, but positive thinking they’ll be best friends when they’re growing up! 🙂
    My mom had three of us within 3.5 years. I know it must’ve been extremely hard for her, but we LOVED it! We moved around a lot while we were growing up and it was great to have my best friends move everywhere with me. 🙂

  2. My husband wanted to wait, too, but I wanted to start early. Then the terrible twos kicked in and I’ve switched to “Team Wait” or “Team Only Child” because the terrible twos are SO MUCH WORSE than anything I could have ever imagined. If I go through it again it will not be with another toddler in the house, nor will it be anytime soon. Two is a very, VERY good birth control.

  3. I’d like my kids to be between 18mos. and 2 years apart. Ideal would be me getting pregnant around our lo’s first birthday! For the reason you stated, so they will be close friends. Plus it will make homeschooling easier, to have them closer in age/stage.

  4. LOL…first of all, I havent been here in so long and what a doll baby you have!!!!!!

    Second, I space ’em out every two years. okay, okay, God does. If it were up to me I’d be poppin’ out every year. LOL.

    2 years is perfect! seriously. Especially when you have three. the oldest one helps with the other two and they all play togehter.

    and fight and argue. LOL

    but mostly play.

  5. Both my husband and I felt it was important for our children to be fairly close in age. We started to try for baby #2 when our oldest was 7 months old and we found out we were expecting the month after he turned one. When we decided to try for #3 we decided we liked the 21 month age gap so we started to try again around the 7 month old mark and were happy to find out that we were expecting again when our 2nd was 10 months old. We now have a 3 year old, a 2 year old and an almost 6 month old. Sure we are busy but are very happy!! Our boys (the oldest two) are the best of friends and love playing together and we learned from our first day home with our second where we all sat with our oldest when I went in to get him up and the first thing he said was “Oh hi baby!!” We now have two big brothers that love and entertain their baby sister. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I’m so glad that we have had our children in the less than two years apart age difference. I personally find it sad when people have a huge age gap between siblings by choice because they are taking away that bond and friendship between siblings that are close in age until they are both adults. So I guess this was a long way to say I’m on the “She Say” side of the question…lol

  6. I think a few years apart is great because you want your daughter to be old enough to understand what is going on. She could also help you.Imagine how cool she will feel if she can help you grab a shirt or help hold the bottle or help bathe the baby. It really all depends on if you two will be financially sound enough to bring another baby in. If you are, then there is nothing stopping you.

  7. My sister and I are almost exactly 2 years apart…just a week short of 2 years. We are best friends! My mum had 9 children and the average spacing was 2-3 years apart. You’d find that while we were growing up, each pair found a friend in the other child. When I get married and have kids, I’d want them about 2 years apart too… they’ll make very good friends.

  8. Well…both versions have their pros and cons.

    But on the whole friends thing: my sister and I are 2years and 10 months apart and although we are rather close in age and I loved on my baby sister when she was little, we are just too different to get along AT ALL. She unfortunately turned out to be egocentric and lazy, letting others do her work etc.

    And on the other hand, I know people who are over 5 years apart and have such a wonderful relationship…

    In conclusion: You cannot choose the personalities of your children (although you can of course influence them through nurture…maybe my mom should have put her foot down more firmly)

    Being close in age might help the friends issue, but you can never bank on it.

  9. A month ago, I could completely imagine having another baby: mine was growing up so fast and I missed having a tiny sweet little baby to hold. That was a month ago. Now she’s nine months old, pulling herself up against EVERYTHING, and driving me to distraction! I’m so glad I’m not pregnant right now, *phew*.

    All the same, my brother-in-law’s children are six years apart, and he says it’s very difficult: you’ve just gotten used to having a more independent child, and then you have to start all over again with a new baby. He reckons it’ll be easier while you’ve still “got the hang of it” (but of course, he doesn’t have children close together, so who knows…!)

  10. 2-3 years is about average, I think, but if you wait until 3-4, she’ll be a bit more mature and have an easier time understanding & adjusting to the presence of a new sibling, AND you can use her as a runner, or a ‘go-for’. 🙂

    For some odd reason, not only are my brother and I 3 years apart, most of my childhood friends with siblings are as well! And some of my friends who are my age, have siblings my brother’s age! It’s like they planned it somehow… >.> weird…

  11. My baby was born in June 2010 and we are going to start trying again in august 2011 in hopes they will be two years apart. I also want my kids to grow ip together as friends. Plus, I know this sounds bad….but I want go get through pregnancy and breastfeeding in a five year span so I can work on getting my body back in shape for good. I’m sure I will miss the baby years and want to go back…but for now I envision mom, dad, and about two walking, potty trained, sleeping all night kids to do fun activities and explore with.

  12. I had 5 kids in 7 years, they were all 18 months or so apart except the last two were 15 months apart. It was challenging at times and yes they did fight some, but my children are the best of friends and they are fiercely loyal to each other. They are all adults now and we have a grand time! Bottom line – counsel together and with the Lord.

  13. We have four kids – there’s about 2 years between each, except for our oldest and with him it’s 3 years. I loved having my kids this close together. The two youngest boys are age 10 and 12 and they have always been great playmates for one another. Of course, now as my kids become tweens/teens, there is a lot of bickering but that’s to be expected I guess. When it comes down to it, they are very close.

  14. My goal was to have the kids 18 mo apart but it ended up being 16 mo. ( boy and girl) I know that some people thought I was crazy at first but now that they are 2 and 3 years old they are best friends! I would not have it any other way! Once I get my daughter potty trained I will be home free! It is a marathon at first but it gets easier as you go! I think 18 mo to 2 years is perfect!

  15. It doesn’t matter! There are advantages to doing it both ways. I love my close together babies because they play together just like my sister and I did (19 months apart). There’s also something to be said for having them several years apart, so the older can help with the younger. You could just do what I did. I just kept having babies until I had some close together and some farther apart. Best of both worlds!

  16. My daughter will be about 20 months when #2 is born, I agree with the best friends thing. But I think we will have these two close but 2&3 will be 3 or more years apart and then we will have 2 more close together (so everyone has a close best buddy 🙂

  17. Granted I am not a mom… YET, but I have always said I wanted my child potty trained before another enters the picture. I don’t think I could handle morning sickness and baby diapers at the same time.

  18. We plan to wait two years. School age is WAY too long, especially if you want a big family. And then they are just sooo far apart and will have nothing in common.. :(. Good luck!

  19. Me and My sister are 20 months apart – my parents announce me at my sister’s first birthday. I love it! We are the best of friends. But from the parent side, I don’t know how they did it. I think the biggest thing is my older sister potty trained herself at 18 months…it’s true!

    I don’t have any children yet (TTC) but I would love them about 20-24 months apart.

  20. 2-3 years. I have a sister that’s 18 mos older than me. My other two are 11 & 13 yrs older (same parents. We were just born in sets of two, two years apart each). It was great having OLDER sister’s for advice, and having someone my age to be my friend and relate to.

  21. Good question! My first two children are spaced out 5 years 5 days apart and it was AWESOME! The big brother going to school and the baby sister hanging out at home and everyone getting what they wanted… Then we decided we wanted another one and I said… 5 years he said…2 years. Well 14 months won out on that one and the beginning was very stressful. But now I completely Love it. Plus it helped that the last 2 are girls, so passing along the clothes is even more perfect… granted now we deal with fighting siblings and it is with both ends. The older brother doesn’t want the younger sisters in his room when he is not home and the older sister says the baby sister keeps taking her stuff and touching her and looking at her… Either way, I think both ends are great!

    The real question is can you handle mass chaos, little to no sleep, harder times to keep a clean house and always stepping on toys, but having happy kiddos? Then you can do it 🙂

  22. I had a girl first and my son was born when she was 2 years 5 1/2 months old. For us it was PERFECT. She was potty trained so I didn’t have 2 in diapers and having the girl first was wonderful! She is a little mommy and loves to take care of her baby brother! He thinks the world of her and they are best buds. Preslie never went through any jealousy with her new baby brother. Now that he is almost 8 months old, they play together in the playroom ll the time and it blows me away! But every mommy, daddy, and baby are different…Do what feels right for you and your family!

  23. I agree with 2 years apart. My two girls were and it was wonderful.Then had a boy 4 years after the second, but I loved the 2 years. I used to dress them in different colors but same style dresses. So cute!

  24. Three years between my two and it is grand. They play together very well, which is something my brother and I were never able to do with a sever year distance between us.

  25. I went for a 4 year spacing. I needed to enjoy my first daughter as a baby and help her grow into her own person before adding another child to the family. I am so glad I waited. Her baby brother is due in April about a week or so after her 4th birthday. She’s excited, she understands and she’s much more independent than a two year old.

  26. My girls are a little over 2 years apart. It was hard at first having a two year old and a baby…two in diapers is hard…. but it is so worth it now! They play for hours together! At first, I wanted them even closer in age, but realized i didn’t want to miss the cute toddler stage with my first. Much luck deciding!

    My siblings are so much older than me, it was like I was an only child. So, this influenced my decision. Good luck with yours.

  27. I have 3 babies and they are spaced about 24 months apart. I think the children need to be close enough in age to get along and have things in common. You don’t want to finally get your child into school and then start all over again with an infant. My oldest is in first grade, my middle is 4 yrs and my youngest will be 2 in a month. I love my kids, glad I had three, glad I had them spaced the way they are, but I am also glad they are all growing up and I’m done with the infant thing. I’m ready for the next stage and I can do that because I had them close together.

  28. I literally was just thinking about this last night. Mine are almost like the first commenter’s kids…4 years and 2 days apart! I don’t like to have regrets, but I don’t know why we waited that long. I really wish they were more like 2-3 years apart. I want to start trying for #3 around Brynlee’s 2nd birthday. I only have one sister and we’re 5 years apart and I would like to be closer in age. It can be a plus for only one kid to be in college at a time (for the person paying for it haha) but I really hate that just as I’m leaving a stage in my life, my sister is just entering it. We don’t really experience things together. PLUS, I had my first young (at 20) but by the time my sister is ready to settle down, my kids could babysit for her so they won’t grow up with cousins the same age 🙁 …Just some things to consider I guess. Who knew parenting could be so stressful haha!

  29. My sister and I are 2 1/2 years apart and I always thought that was the perfect spacing (even though we fought like crazy growing up, far far from best friends). But when the time came to have another one I wasn’t ready so we have waited and now my kids will be about 5 1/2 years apart. For me it was about me being ready more than anything.

  30. Our oldest is 16 months old and we are currently trying for num 2. If we get pregnant this cycle they will just 2 yrs and 5 wks apart if i carry the 2nd baby to 40 weeks. I think 2 years is the perfect age gap between children.

  31. I always said I wanted about 2 to 3 years between my kids and then I got pregnant and lost twins. They would have had a 2 1/2 year age difference. i thought that was perfect. After I lost the twins I have been taking some time for myself to work through things and spend a little time bettering myself. i don’t think i could handle another loss right now and I will always have that fear with me now.
    We will start trying in Sept. and that will make our kids 4 years apart. I hated this and thought it messed up my whole plan but I have really started to be happy with this age difference. I will get to give each child the one on one time that i think kids deserve. They will still love each other and I know they will have a strong relationship! I am happy with how it is happening now!

  32. My boys are 21 months apart – I wanted at least 2 years before even trying and instead they are a little shy of 2 years apart…the only reason there is a gap between my boys and my girls is because I had 2 miscarriages and hubby was in Iraq and the large gap between the girls is due to 3 miscarriages…

    despite the boys fighting ’cause they are so close in age and despite the fact that the boys fight with my older girl because she is tooo little it will all work out in the end…I have it both ways and really it’s up to you what you think is best because no matter what there will be fighting – it’s natural but they will end up best friends in the end (my boys stick up for one another and they stick up for their sister) just because they don’t show it now in a way I want them too they do show it in other ways…

  33. I say closer is better. Mine are three years apart and the spacing works really well for us. I say get all the diapering and potty training done in one season of life and then move on to the others… AND… every year you wait to have another is another year older you’ll be when the last one is finally out of the house.

  34. my brother & i are 7 years apart and i HATE it. always have. its caused a lot of conflict b/c with our age difference, i hardly know him. when he went to college i was only 11 so we didn’t know each other, it was like we weren’t even siblings after that. and it doesn’t help that he talks down to me b/c he’s so much older.

  35. If I were a stay at home mom, maybe. But hubby and I both work full time and realistically cannot afford to have 2 kids in daycare at the same time. My oldest is 6, I am pregnant with # 2 and will wait until # 2 is 5 years old to get preggo again. Ideally for me, 4 or 5 years apart os just fine for our household.It’s very comfortable emotionally and financially for us.

  36. It’s obviously a personal decision for you and the mister to make (only). Fate (or god or whomever) dictates when that kind of stuff happens. So, keep an open mind and heart.

    I will share about me though. I’m the oldest of 3, we are 7 and 11 years apart. Disaster.

    My babies are 6 years apart and we’re working on a third now, which would be about 2.5-3 years apart. My daughter is 17 months and is just now able to play with my son, nearly 8. They should have been closer together.

  37. There are two and a half years between my two and I think that’s perfect because my almost-three-year-old is coming out of her terrible twos and is able to talk and communicate much better, etc. I can’t imagine having had a baby when she was 2, that would have been so tough. This is a perfect age gap in my opinion.

    But if you can handle it, I think close is awesome so they can be friends! My sister and I were 2 years apart and played together constantly growing up. It must have been awesome for my mom! I have a little girl and a little boy now so I’m not sure how much they’ll play together but I hope they’ll be great friends.

  38. My twins and the new baby are 21 1/2 months apart, and they were each born to be a big brother/sister. They LOOOOVE the new little one and would seriously change her diaper and give her baths if I let them. They rock her in her swing and just love all over her. When they get older, I just know she and her big sister will be great friends.

  39. I’m going to have to side with him. I think that waiting until she starts school will not only cut down on expenses because you won’t be paying for two kids to go to daycare. But also, I think that it helps to remove some of the pressure of trying to conceive so again. It gives you both time to go out on more dates before you’re tied back down with a baby.

    Trust me, my plan was to wait until Moo was in school before I even thought about having another baby, but unfortunately God had other plans. I have no idea how I’m going to maintain my sanity with kids under the age four.

  40. I find that it has less to do with spacing and more to do with how close the family is begin with. I come from a very close knit family. My brother is 13 years my senior and we’re very close. However, I have a friend who comes from a family that is not so close. They never did much together growing up, etc. Her sister is only 18 months older than her and they barely speak. That’s just my personal experience. We have a daughter who is 6 months old. We will probably wait until she is at least 3 or 4 before we start thinking about a second one.

  41. As a mom of one, I was thinking about this too. My husband wanted to start when Aus was 3 months old…I was team wait a sec hold on mister. Well, when austin was eight months old, I was pregnant. Whoops. So.. My kiddos will be fifteen or sixteen months apart. I don’t know what it’s like raising two close in age, but my sis and I were 2 years apart and it was great. I will say this…MY SECOND PREGNANCY IS HORRID. Not that it’d be that way for you. But I’m in a LOT LOT LOT of pain this time around and I wonder if it’d hurt this much if I had waited. All in all…I think the closer in age the better. BESIDES- once you’re done with all of your childbirthing, you can just focus on growing as a family and then you get your “freedom” sooner. lol

  42. First, for sanity reasons, i say have them close, otherwise, there will always be one at hoome. I have a 10yr old, a 3yr old and a 9month old. Its so much easier when they all go to school at the same time.

  43. Two years is perfect. My oldest two are exactly 25 months apart is perfect. Even though they are boy and girl they are still interested in the same things- so much easier as they get older. My youngest is 4.5 years behind my middle. Much Much harder. I felt like she didn’t get a good toddlerhood because we were too busy schlepping her around to the older kids activities.

  44. Her say! Close = better friends, getting the sleepless nights out of the way (BIG bonus), do it all again while still fresh in your mind, saves storing all the baby gear for 5+ years, will both be at school at the same time sooner (helps you get back to work, etc sooner too), etc.
    My son will be 16.5mths or so when his little sister makes his appearance in 5 weeks!

  45. Before our daughter was born we wanted our kids 18 months apart, just in time to have the oldest one begin nursery at church. A little after her arrival it was upped to 2 years. We later decided that 2½ years would be the perfect age difference but somewhere in there decided we also wanted to buy a house. After closing we then decided that we wanted to wait a little longer and work on replacing some of the money that we spent at closing. We’re now pregnant and the age difference will be 35 months. I still wish it were closer to the 2½ year difference than the 3.

    You’ll find a compromise that works for both of you though.

  46. Are you trying to tell us something?????? I say close as can be! Mine are 12 months and 2 days and I love it so much. They are so close – same size clothes, same friends, same school. It is awesome.

  47. At first I thought that I wanted my kids 2 years apart, but that didn’t happen. My son is now almost 4 and we are still not pregnant. We got pregnant with him just 6 weeks after we were married, but for some reason we can’t seem to get pregnant now and have not been able to ever since my son was born 3 1/2 years ago. So much for planning on my part. I’m thinking the “Big Guy” upstairs has another plan for us.
    That’s okay though because it has given me the much needed time my son needs from me. Good luck!

  48. I have five children that are all 2 1/2 years apart. I love this spacing! One going out of diapers, one going into them! Plus, they have playmates. My favorite part so far? Having a big brother in 8th grade, when my new 6th grader is starting middle school! Built in bodyguard!

  49. Such a great question…I’m working on a post about how my “ideal” spacing has changed since having our first!

    I still lean more towards what you say…maybe we’ll start trying a little before Grace’s 2nd bday so that they are about 2.5 years apart. My hubs agrees with yours…in fact, he got squirmy even talking about another one! Clearly it’s too early for us right now. 🙂

  50. I had our 2nd baby when our son was 22 months old. The first is young enough to not experience a lot of jealousy and they tend to just carry on. When our daughter was 25 months old, we welcomed identical twin boys! Yep, four kids under four that soon became four teenagers in the house for several years…and we lived to tell about :0)

    My two grandbabies, 2 and 4 years old, just left Grammie and Papa’s house where they get spoiled every Wednesday…Love the age and how they interact. Two years seems the perfect space for our family but you gotta go with what’s best for you.

  51. well i personally think waiting till she is in school is a bit too long. that said, i have ten years between me and my last brother and it has worked fine for us and didnt impact how close we are. my other issue is, though, that if you have them too close together they dnt have the opportunity to “be the baby” and get the specialized nurturing and attention required for a young child. having two in diapers or evern another child who is too young to be semi-independent seem unfair to me.

  52. I have 3 kids. One boy who is 13, then a 6 year old girl and a 13 month old girl. I will say it’s nice having older ones to help, but the are so far apart that I’m afraid they will not be close when they get older. We want 2 more and plan on having them much closer together. Hopefully I will get pregnant some time this summer. You also totally forget what it’s like to have a baby and have to relearn how to go on very little sleep. I think 2 years is just about perfect!

  53. First, I completely agree with Angie L. These decisions have to be made with consideration for all the things that make your family different from any other family. Not everyone can or should make the same choice, and not everyone will have the same reasons for similar choices they make.

    With that said, I’m hoping that when the time comes, we’ll space our kids roughly two years apart. Some days, I even hope for about 18 months apart, but I’ve never wanted to have more than two years between our future kids. We’re hoping to have a big family one day — at least four kids. At the same time, I’m hoping to be done having babies before age 35 — so the time we’ll have to have four children is an issue, which might not be the case for families who want fewer children.

    My family includes four children born with a five year spacing between the oldest and the youngest. We played together all through childhood, and of course, during the teens years there were some fights. But now that we’re all adults, I really like how close we are in age and the fact that at least two of us are usually in a similar phase of life at the same time.

    I relate to my siblings in different ways, and I’ve been closer to each one at different times in my life. I’m actually closest to my youngest sibling — my sister — at the present time, even though we’re five years apart. I think that has more to do with the fact that we’re the girls than it does with our ages.

    Every family is different, so there is no guarantee that siblings born with a huge gap (say five years between my sister and I) won’t be close. That’s also not to say that siblings who are born closer in age will be close, as others have said.

    For me, it makes sense to have all my kids in a smaller window, rather than spread across a decade or more. I’d like them to be able to grow up together with similar memories, hopefully have similar interests and play together, and be in school together. I’d also like to have them all out of the house around the same time, too, (not that I’m rushing it), so that my husband and I can enjoy our older years together without having to worry about a kid who is still in high school (or middle school).

    But everyone is different — to each his or her own. As long as you and husband are on the same page, it’ll all work out in the end, and you’ll probably be happy with your decision either way.

  54. I have 3 children, right now they are 31, 32 and 33 that changes soon. they are pretty much 16-18 months apart. 2 girls and 1 boy they are each others best friends, and have always been except a couple of years with the girls around
    The group even became closer and better when they added spouses..

  55. My two are 2.5 years apart. I don’t think I could have waited 5 years. I worried about my daughter feeling jealous and left out with a new baby, but she LOVES him. She is my little helper. 3 years old is a hard age though, so that makes it difficult (probably no different whether baby brother was here or not). I don’t think we can afford daycare on another one until the older one is in KG (2.5 years from now). Even if we did have one right when she went to KG it would be an almost 3 year difference.

    My BFF has two boys that are 1 year and 18 days apart. I thought she was insane (still do), but her boys are 4 & 5 and have always been best friends. She basically treats them like twins. They get the same clothes toys…everything. She now has a girl (3yrs later) and they love their little sis.

  56. I like them close together. So they can all ride the same rides at Disneyworld. But this is the person who had her last two 14 months apart on purpose. They are so cute together and totally best friends.

    I think two years apart is the max I like them to be.

  57. Don’t wait too long. My brother and I are 14 years apart. Granted, my mother didn’t plan to have me (obviously), but she did, and I always felt as though I was an only child due to the age difference. Have your children closer together.

  58. My sister & I are 23 months apart. (and, it’s just the 2 of us – no other siblings) Honestly, I think we are PERFECTLY spaced apart … just enough so that we experience different milestones in life at different times – but close enough that we are best friends and have a great bond. 🙂

  59. My brother and I were 19-months apart and we fought a lot. From my experience with many other families, 2 years is a great spacing…close enough to play together, but far enough apart that there are separation (and some sanity for the parents!). That said, I’d opt for God’s timing over my own any time!

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