I Wonder…


While I was away: Parts were written in my journal (during my blog break) on October 10th and saved for today.

Sometimes I get the I sudden have the urge and fear that makes me NOT want to reproduce. This use to happen all of the time when I was on birth control. I blamed my emotions on the hormones, but now my only excuse is natural hormones and my ever-wavering mental state.

I think it has something to do with fear of what I’ll become. Will my ambitions die with the birth of a new child? I care about my family more than anything… I know this already, but I worry I’ll lose part of myself I hear so many women say they’ve lost.

I love my job. I love my career. I love knowing that I could support my family, or myself on my own if I needed to, and that I have the drive to excel. Most of the women I lived around during my college years are stay at home moms now. I think that’s great! But I wish I could see more people living in situations I see myself in, just for my examples sake.

I want to know it’s ok, that it’s possible, and that I can do it all. That I can have a career… A child, a family. That IS how I see myself, but that’s not what I see commonly among my circle of women. …Especially in my religion.

Sure, sometimes I dream of handing over the reigns to my husband, and letting him worry about balancing our finances, while I take care of our home and children, but I wonder if thoughts of “what ifs” would creep into my mind. I wonder if it would be all it is cracked up to be.

But at the same time I wonder if I really want to be a duel-income family. Do I want my child in daycare?

If now… I wonder if I’m I ok with penny pinching my first year or two. I want to be able to give my child the world, but I worry how I’ll do that. I know there are very few things a child NEEDS its first year, but I still want to provide some of those extra things.

I wonder sometimes how I’ll be able to do it all…If it is possible. Can I keep being a successful “business woman”, and good wife while also adding the tasks trying to be a good mom, and able to raise good kids. Being a mother alone is a lifetime duty full of heartache and joy. Could I fulfill both responsibilities? Is there enough time in the day? How do you do it?

I wonder if I’ll be sad if I miss things, and get jealous of women who are at home.

I guess the good thing is one choice isn’t permanent, and it doesn’t have to last a lifetime. Well… Except the decision to become a mother in the first place.

I wonder…

PS: Someone hacked into the Overall Blog awards 🙁 So The Bump started it over and are asking for people to COMMENT about why they think the particular blog should win. If you could take a few moment to write your thoughts about my blog down on their site I’d greatly appreciate it! I know I’m up against amazing bloggers, but I feel like I have more of a chance now that it’s not about the numbers. Here’s the link.

Similar Posts


  1. First off, yes you CAN do it. What ever you chose will be great for you and your family, because no matter what you will take all it takes to make it work, and as you said, it can always be changed. I know this from experience. I am currently a stay at home bc i am on disability, however i did work full time with both of my children. I did miss being around them, miss being with them during the day, but they get alot from being in daycare too that a stay at home mom can’t always give (yes I hate to admit this) but it also makes the time with them more special, more exciting, and more important. Do I like being a stay at home mom, I would say 80% of the time yes I do, but I also think it’s just as stressful and hard as a working mother, and I felt that same way when I was working. I think both sides can tend to get jealous of each other, but ask a mother on both sides, there are pluses and negatives to each. There is no perfect way for any family. It takes everyone to make it work. I wish you the best of luck in your quest.

  2. I wonder the same thing, being a pre-mom. I do like working, but family is my #1 priority. Luckily, I work at a company that understands that. When we have a baby, the tentative plan is for my husband to stay home, to avoid the daycare issue. Will I be jealous of him? Will I still be able to do my job, being preoccupied by my family having fun without me?

    They’re all fair questions!

  3. Hey lady! *waving* First and foremost – great post! While the March of Dimes fundraiser was AWESOME I must admit I missed your regular blog posts. So welcome back! 🙂

    With that said, I do think it’s possible to have it all and balance it successfully. I’m a prime example of that. I’ve got my career by day (full-time psychologist of my own unit at a large hospital) and the baby goes to a daycare on the grounds of the hospital where I work (it’s for staff – I’m so lucky we have this!) and by evening I am super mom and blogger. 🙂 I don’t think I sacrafice anything. I love the balance, and I think me and DH made the right decision in terms of going with the dual-income household. I’m happy to know that, should I decide to stay home, we can afford this…. and in the future one day I might. But for now everyone is content with this arrangement. So yes, you can have it and be happy! 🙂


  4. I think being a mom is scary. To answer your question as to if you can have it all, I think you can. You just have to remember that if you do decide to go back to work there will be some sacrifice on your part. I think if you decide to stay at home there will be some sacrifice as well. I don’t think that everyone is happy right away with their decision. It really takes time to getting used to it. Every new mom has challenges and there is an adjusting period. I think that people start to grow more in love with what they decide to do.
    I know this sounds bad but at first I wasn’t in love with the idea of staying at home. I really wanted to still be a teacher and have a classroom, but I knew that I needed to stay at home with my kids. The more time I got to be at home the more I realized how rewarding it was. I think its something that you grow to liking more and more with each day. There are moms out there that know there is no other way than to stay at home, which is totally fine. But everyone is different. Just remember that whatever you decide to do, there will take some sacrifice to get what you want. Hope this all made sense.

  5. you can do it..it is all about balance! I am premed, with 2 kids, and i work. i fought the battle so hard on if i should be a stay at home mom or follow my dreams and be a doctor. i had a lot of ppl not so on board with me wanting to be a doctor…but you find in life and in mommyhood, that you have to make sure to take care of you, and what you need…because you are important too. I have a really supportive spouse who is all on board with me gearing up for medschool…which also means our roles will change for a little bit. I won’t lie…it’s hard sometimes to find the balance..at least it is for me,and i am working on it everyday

  6. Yes, at first you will get sad when you miss thing, and be jealous that your nanny gets to do things with your baby, but then later…you are grateful that someone has so much love for your child. We had a nanny when i was in school..she seen my daughter’s 1st step..i cried and cried. i had the worst mommy guilt about going to school…but i knew what i needed to do was best for me, it may not be best for everyone, but for me, it was. Lots of ppl also take time off or a few yrs off to be with their kids and when they go back to school, go back to their careers. It isn’t all or nothing, their are a lot of choices….the hard part is usually finding your voice of what you want in the mist of all the noise from society and ppl telling you what you should do.

  7. Wow, I just wrote about this topic as my blog post for today. I am trying to plan my family also and was comparing the pros/cons on working v. sahm. I completely understand as it is nerve racking. I so think you can ‘have it all’. I see so many women at my job that have it all and are very successful business women so I know it is possible. Balance is going to be the key. It won’t be an easy thinkg but it is doable. You also have to listen to yourself and not others, as ultimately they are not the ones caring for your child you are.

  8. I think this may have a little bit of “the grass is always greener on the other side” type of feel to it. I am a stay at home mom right now. Do I love it? Yes, absolutely! Do I sometimes wish that I could go out and make money and feel accomplished in that sense? Sure! When my kids are old enough, I probably will go work outside of the home…as long as I am home when they need me. But when I honestly think about it, if I had a job that kept me away from my little ones, I would hate it. Not because I would hate the actual job, or hate making money, or hate getting out of the house. But I would hate not being the one to constantly mother my children, not seeing all the firsts, not being there to give hugs and kisses when they need them throughout the day. I think it is worth it to be a stay at home mom!

  9. I’m glad I’m not the only one that thinks about this. You’re right that in our religion you don’t see many moms that work. And that can be hard. But like in our case, we couldn’t survive on 1 income alone. So I’ll have to work also. I’m lucky in that I love my job though, so I’m grateful for that. But on the flip side, I love staying at home, making sure the apartment is well kept, dinner is made, meals planned. It feels very rewarding. Sometimes more so than my job. And it makes me long to be a sahm. But whatever you decide, just make sure that you are happy with that decision and that you take care of you.

  10. I think when you have children, your definition of “having it all” changes. I had a very successful, fulfilling career and I liked it, I really did. Now I’m a SAHM to 3 kids. I stopped working outside the home the day my first baby was born and I’ve never looked back. Do I have a fancy title and business cards anymore? Nope. But I have three precious lives who know their mommy is there for them– anytime. For me (and it truly is so individual…), that’s having it all.

  11. I wonder the same thing too. But I know for our first child, I’ll definitely have to work — financially it just wouldn’t be possibile for me to stay home since I’m the primary bread winner. But I hope that I’ll be able to take some time off of my career after we have 2 (or more…who knows!)….so that I can experience both being a SAHM and having a job outside the home.

  12. I wonder about that too as a pre-mama. Only, I’ll be my OWN boss so not only will I be a fulltime mother, but a fulltime business owner! Thas scary because the onus is ALL.ON.ME. Or at least it feels that way. I mean, i know, for our family, it will be the best arrangement, but Im like, what if a client wants something asap but then i have a crying screaming baby on my hip who refuses to be consoled? What happens if/when baby gets sick and I have stop everything to take care of them (dont work, dont get paid, ..at least in the beginning lol)?

    I take it all as an adventure that I can hardly wait to begin. Life is an adventure and its exciting to navigate the twists and turns. Worrying about the what-ifs only takes away from the adventure. It will all work out, because its LIFE.

  13. You will figure all of this out when the time comes…no one knows what the heck they’re doing at first, I certainly won’t. One thing I am ADAMANT about is not losing yourself. Too many women revolve their ENTIRE lives around baby, neglecting themselves and husbands…not good 🙁 I refuse to do that but I imagine that I will FIND some of myself through motherhood 🙂

  14. *hug*

    I completely understand you! I have three great kids, and with the birth of my last child, I really thought I could have stayed at home, but there was a small piece of my existance that wasnt fulfilled.

    I am called to do the work I do. It’s in my blood; its who I am. I am also very blessed that my baby is only a few classrooms over and I can have lunch breaks and such with her.

    I really do try to balance it and sometimes, at the end of the day, I’m so exhausted and in bed by 8:00 pm, but I know I’ve been productive in my family and those I touch in my job.

    It’s a very hard decision and I think you should try and imagine both senarios (sp), realizing that you could go back and forth with being a stay-at-home mom as well as working mom. Why not even be a work-from-home-stay-at-home-mom. 🙂

  15. You can do anything you put your mind to. Do what makes YOU happy.
    I left a comment for your blog at The Bump (profile name: sigmamma). Too bad they had to change the voting because of some hacks. Now only registered members can participate.

  16. Griping about the responsibilities of parenthood is a God given right…but if any of our kids are harmed in anyway we are falling to our knees. The trivial tasks of the day to day are nothing compared to the love you have for your babies. I’m actually thankful to be in the position to gripe about my kid whining all the time…things could be so much more difficult! You’ll be an incredible mother!!

  17. Future Mama, I work as a Marketing Manager and DH is a banker. We have two boys and it’s super challenging. Your are consistently juggling work, family, life… but I wouldn’t trade it for anything right now. It is possible, and I blog about it daily (http://spelhouseLove.com). Keep doing what you’re doing in terms of research, to help you make the best decision for you.

  18. Subscribe to working mother mag STAT. I used to read that when I worked full time and it really gave me a pick me up when I was feeling overwhelmed. I think just by reading your blog that you’ll be alright either way. I don’t think you’ll lose yourself because you are a very strong-minded young woman and you will want to be all you can be for your child. Good Luck TTC and I am really happy that I stumbled across your blog.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *