While I was away: Parts were written in my journal (during my blog break) on October 10th and saved for today.
Sometimes I get the I sudden have the urge and fear that makes me NOT want to reproduce. This use to happen all of the time when I was on birth control. I blamed my emotions on the hormones, but now my only excuse is natural hormones and my ever-wavering mental state.
I think it has something to do with fear of what I’ll become. Will my ambitions die with the birth of a new child? I care about my family more than anything… I know this already, but I worry I’ll lose part of myself I hear so many women say they’ve lost.
I love my job. I love my career. I love knowing that I could support my family, or myself on my own if I needed to, and that I have the drive to excel. Most of the women I lived around during my college years are stay at home moms now. I think that’s great! But I wish I could see more people living in situations I see myself in, just for my examples sake.
I want to know it’s ok, that it’s possible, and that I can do it all. That I can have a career… A child, a family. That IS how I see myself, but that’s not what I see commonly among my circle of women. …Especially in my religion.
Sure, sometimes I dream of handing over the reigns to my husband, and letting him worry about balancing our finances, while I take care of our home and children, but I wonder if thoughts of “what ifs” would creep into my mind. I wonder if it would be all it is cracked up to be.
But at the same time I wonder if I really want to be a duel-income family. Do I want my child in daycare?
If now… I wonder if I’m I ok with penny pinching my first year or two. I want to be able to give my child the world, but I worry how I’ll do that. I know there are very few things a child NEEDS its first year, but I still want to provide some of those extra things.
I wonder sometimes how I’ll be able to do it all…If it is possible. Can I keep being a successful “business woman”, and good wife while also adding the tasks trying to be a good mom, and able to raise good kids. Being a mother alone is a lifetime duty full of heartache and joy. Could I fulfill both responsibilities? Is there enough time in the day? How do you do it?
I wonder if I’ll be sad if I miss things, and get jealous of women who are at home.
I guess the good thing is one choice isn’t permanent, and it doesn’t have to last a lifetime. Well… Except the decision to become a mother in the first place.