I’ve always wanted to be a contestant on The Bachelor. I’m pretty much convinced if I ever did have the chance I’d get pretty far. Aside from the fact that the black chick is usually the first one to go, and the fact that I’m married, I think I could do really well.

I know it’s technically about “falling in love” and meeting “the one” but we all know deep down those people are just in it for the experience. I mean, what are the chances that my perfect guy is gonna be just one random smokin’ hot bachelor with a lot of money and nice abs? There’s more to love than that.

I loved Bachelor seasons 1 and 2, and then I kinda fell off the wagon until Brad 2.0. Now I’ve been hooked ever since.

Lately I’m noticing that I’m not the ripe tomato I once was. At least not compared to the scantily clad 22-year-olds prancing around. Who’s 22 and ready to get married anyway?

Anyway, with my going-on-10-year-marriage being pretty solid and all, I was beginning to feel like my chances for a quick divorce and Bachelor casting were out of reach. My dreams for having a second chance at love, and a three-month excursion were washing away.

Then, out of nowhere I got an email from The Bachelor Casting Producers Sevierville, TN Chamber of commerce inviting me on the show a girlfriend’s getaway. I just knew this was the chance of a lifetime.

My husband volunteered to take time off of work, and swore to keep the house spotless, continue the children’s Mandarin lessons and copious amounts of vegetable-eating. He also didn’t seem to mind that there was a small chance I could be meeting a new husband while I was away.

I told myself going in that I was just going to be myself, see what happens, and not let all the fame and tabloids get to me.  But I was ready to fall in love. Again.

When I arrived at the mansion we called a cabin I was blown away by the view, and all the space we had. There were two hot tubs and about twelve Jacuzzi bathtubs… or four, I lost count.

When I finished running around saying “I’M FREEEEEEE!” I claimed a bedroom and plopped downstairs on the sofa, waiting to meet my competition.

First there was Janessa. Her 7-month-pregnant belly was a bit of a red flag, but no one else seemed to mind. She was pretty excited to be away from her kids, even though she was carrying one with her. I was a little worried her water might break and I’d have to deliver her baby in the mountains while fighting off the bears.

Luckily, there was also Ruth, the nurse, who could actually catch a baby if she had to. She was smokin’ hot and undeniably tough competition.

Then there was Holli (right), who came with Anna (left), and she definitely would have been the topless drunk had she not also been pregnant. So Anna kinda filled that roll, minus the drunk part.

Lindsey from Tennessee was the mom of the house. She had the sweetest accent and stayed out of the catfights, and called her kids every night. She even eliminated herself and left before the final rose ceremony party because she missed them… Or maybe it was because she lives up the road and can pretty much come back anytime.

Finally there was Colleen, the travel expert who was not there to make friends, but to fall in love.

Chris Harrison got called away at the last minute so Amanda from the Sevierville Chamber was our host. She showed up every morning and told us what we were going to be doing on our group dates.

Most of it is a bit hazy because I had a lot of sparkling pink lemonade, but I’ll try to recap what I remember.

First, there was lots and lots of food. Like, way too much food. I think our names might have been submitted to go on The Biggest Loser next.

We had BBQ, giant chocolate and peanut-butter filled pancakes, better-than-crack-covered potato chips, I think there was a giant Oreo cake in there somewhere, and… Seriously, all the food is a blur. But it was delicious.

Then, like some kind of joke, we met with the amazing Donna Jean of Faithfully Fashionable. Basically the Neil Lane of Tennessee, but with fashion. She told us what to wear, and what not to wear, which resulted in me trying on new jeans that actually fit and wearing them out of the store—Swearing to never put the other pair back over my big booty until I lose 20 pounds, which won’t happen until I’m done with The Biggest Loser.I’ve also promised myself to always have on a pair of earrings and a necklace. It makes a world of a difference.

There was also a limo ride through beautiful vineyards, and lots of wine tasting—which of course I didn’t partake in. I had to represent as the token Mormon this season. But I did enjoy the delicious variants of sparkling grape juice, apple juice, and pink lemonade with no shame.

The group dates were fun but I must tell you about the romantic excursions… for instance, our hike up the Smokey Mountains.

All the other girls were like “let’s race to the top!” and I was like “WTFreak I’m dying here.” I mean, “the altitude… I’m not use to this.” “Homey don’t play that.” “Let’s just take in the scenery.”

Deciding whether or not to continue was one of the hardest decisions of my life. Luckily Lindsey (aka mom of the house) waited with me during my 20 stops up the half-mile hike, and I made it.

The Oak Haven Spa was like a fairy tale. I had a facial that felt good, which I had never experienced before (I however had had a facial where they scraped parts of my face off under a bright magnifying glass. I was a bit scarred from that experience, but this more than made up for it).

Then of course there was the classic sunset helicopter ride. Never in a million years did I ever imagine having such an amazing date with the most amazing women. It was the best date ever.

Colleen wanted to puke chunks just at the sight of it, but we all convinced her to do it anyway. She did and didn’t lose her dinner. She scored mega bonus points for facing her fear. I’m pretty sure she won the group date rose and she totally deserved it.

Then, I had to face my fear and go zip lining, which I was pretty positive might kill me. I brought my video camera on my ride down to document my last moments alive, yet alas, I’m here to live another day. I also won bonus points for facing my fear, but then lost them when I cried like a baby standing with one foot on the glass-bottom bridge. No group date rose for me.

At night we talked about how much we missed our families back at home. The other 99% of the time we talked about our blogs and networking. We were really making a great connection.

The other girls got to see the true side of me that I think I was beginning to forget being so absorbed with my kids.

Amanda told us there was just one final night left, and then three of us had to pack our bags and fly to Atlanta for a layover.

I was sad to go, after putting my heart out there, but I had a feeling the perfect guy was still out there waiting for me somewhere… Or maybe at the Austin airport.

How ’bout dem apples?

A few other things to note:
-No one ran off to go skinny-dipping in the lake (at least not that I’m aware of).
-“I’m-here-for-the-right-reasons”-Colleen was the only one who actually remembered to actually pack a bathing suit. The rest of us weren’t totally feeling the topless/underwear swimming options. At least not with all the camera crews around.
-No one made out (thank goodness).
– The producers may or may not be putting together a video montage of my experience. It might show up on my YouTube channel later this week.
-I kept saying the whole experience was just like “The Bachelor” no else go it. Tell me I’m not alone!
– Bonus points if you can count The Bachelor clichés.

Tags: funny, girlfriends getaway, humor, Sevierville, Tennessee, the bachelor