Becoming Something I’m Not… Yet
Everything I thought I’d ever be… The woman I pictured myself turning into. It’s all changing before my eyes.
I wanted to climb the “corporate” ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. “Lexus before little ones” was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going… Oh, and until I make enough money.
28 or 29… That was about how old I thought I’d be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I’d be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18… And I’m pregnant at 23. I’ll be a young mother… But family isn’t the only aspect of my life that’s matured quickly.
I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.
I’m not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years–And I’d only be 33!
I didn’t want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the “trap”… As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being… Not having much time to develop one’s own skills.
I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven’t seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.
I always thought one good thing I’d have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won’t be the only thing I’ve experienced. It won’t define me or…Or will it?
What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?
A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.
Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is “yes” right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I’m loosing headway.
What’s happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me… Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.
I want to do it all… But I’m not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don’t regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I’ll become.
Such a realistic blog post- so many of us ‘career women’ think the same way you do- don’t worry! It will all work out as planned- and you will probably be a fantastic mom and fantastic career lady- GOOD LUCK! Just enjoy one thing at a time- only 6 months left without a little one.
i feel like i’m usually one of the 1st to comment on your blog, lol. we sound a lot alike in this aspect. i didn’t graduate HS early, but i got a full ride to a top university, and then another full ride for grad school. professors counseled me to pursue PhDs. i presented my research in italy as an undergrad. thought i’d delay marriage but got married at 21 and had a baby at 23, 6 weeks after i graduated early with my MPH.
right now i’m a sahm and i struggle with it. i love being home with my son and i feel like i am developing a different skill set than i would have had i continued with my research. but, i feel, or i felt, like my brain was atrophying and there are days i miss being in a lab/office. i’ve been lucky to find some public health work at home that keeps my brain working and my skills up and that’s been a good compromise.
a woman in my ward out here gave me some great advice. she said “there is a time for everything, so enjoy the season that you’re in.” right now, you’re just months away from becoming a first time parent. that is never going to happen again. relish it. soak in it. plan for the future but don’t worry. you can still go SO FAR, the path to get there just may meander for a bit.
you’ll find your way. you have the drive.
Thank you for posting this—this is somethig I have talked to a lot of moms about. I have struggled with it myself coming from the corporate world and I wanted it all—until I found out what it was I really wanted. Really, the only thing I have ever wanted was this-to become a mommy. It is a job-a 24/7 job. We may not get compenstation which translates to a new care of some jimmy choos, but we get kisses. Kisses-sweet baby kisses. The ones that we wish we could box up and save forever. We don’t get lunch breaks…but we get to hear the laughter of our children as they discover this world. It is all truly amazing. For me…I am going to go back to work when I am done having kids and when they go to school. I just want to be there for all of these little moments. I am already wishing I could freeze these moments because they go by all too quickly….
I can completely relate to how you feel. I always had a lot of ambition growing up, and it continued most of the way through college. I always knew that I wanted to be a mother, and that Heavenly Father wanted me to stay at home and nurture my children, but I always felt like MY talents, my potential, would fall by the wayside if I relegated myself to a kitchen, surrounded by kids. I tried a million different ways to justify pursuing a career and being a mother, but it never felt like the right decision for me. Finally, after having my son 6 months after graduating from college, I couldn’t see myself doing anything more important than being there with him every second of every day.
I know there are lots of women who successfully juggle being a mother and having a career, but I knew as soon as I started having children that this wasn’t the path for me. If you are one of those women, then more power to you! However, if you find yourself continuously turning down promotions and advancements for the sake of raising your children, be proud and OWN it! Either way, you’ll have done what is best for YOU and your family. Don’t let anyone else try to convince you otherwise.
Also, I would recommend reading a talk by Elder Holland called “Because She is a Mother,” from April 1997 General Conference. Anytime I feel like what I do is trivial or mundane, this talk brings home just how special motherhood truly is.
I think about this sometimes too. I planned to get married at 28 like my mother; I just thought that sounded like a good age & sufficient time to develop far enough along my career path. But even though I am pregnant at the not so far away 27, I find that I am not nearly as far along as thought I would be. Then I remember many stories of moms & single moms who have climbed to the top. And that makes me think that maybe the motivation of being responsible for another human being will make me more motivated then ever to get to the top.
You know, I am the same way. It’s taken me almost four years to realize that right now being a mom is what I’m supposed to do. I guess I just think of it as that scripture, “a season and time for every purpose under heaven.” Right now you are going to be a mom and because you are doing what you know you must do, Heavenly Father will bless you in the future. When it’s time for you to go back to work, you will find better jobs. Because after all, he wants us to be happy no? {Sorry for the gospel references}
But I think you will become something bigger and better than you have ever imagined. Kids do that to you.
Love your blog, thanks for the post.
I know the feeling. I always wanted to get a Master’s, and now I know it will be years before this is possible, because I want to start babymaking NOW, while I’m young. I, too, feel like I’m turning into someone different from who I thought I was. It’s not a bad thing, necessarily, but it is weird.
Such a great realistic post! =) I used to have everything planned out too, until the Lord called me out of my comfort zone and literally planted me in a foreign soil called mission. I had big dreams too, but have never for 1 moment regretted following God’s call. I have, of course, wondered whether things could turn out differently for me, but no regrets. Jeremiah 29 : 11 is an encouragement always for me. God’s plan is good, perfect and acceptable. I can see that He wanted for you to be a mom (it wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t part of His plan too, right?), and I believe wholeheartedly that it is perfect for you, and one day you are gonna look back and thought ‘wow! That was WOW!’. You are so gonna be a great mom!
Oh my gosh can I relate to what you are saying. I had no idea how much motherhood would change me. And it did. I do work full-time at a job that I love. But I struggled for a long time with working and having children. Because I never thought in a million years about being a SAHM (when I was in college) so I did not set up my life beforehand to do so. So when I had my kids I did not have that choice and it was very hard for me. When I finally came to peace with everything I decided to embrace it and do my best to be the best working mom I could be. But really no matter whether you work outside the home, work at home, stay at home, I truly believe that all moms do the best that they know how. All moms are amazing people. You are going to be an amazing mommy.
You should read “I am a mother” by Jane Clayson Johnson…
I am a follower and i am terrible about commenting… but all I can say is… You will be a wonderful mother. I am sure of that.
Reading your blog is so inspiring. I really wish you all the best.
My anxities are similar to your. I’m doing a degree in literature and after that I would love to pursue the dream of motherhood, however I feel like people will question my reasons. But that should not be my concern. I also hope that a child will not prevent me from pursuing my career after having children.
I recently came across your blog, and I following you now 🙂 I just loved reading your last post, because this is exactly how I feel sometimes. I have two children now, and am 28 years old. I love being a mom, but feel torn at times because I want to be successful in other things. Being a mom requires so much, and leaves little time to focus on goals and dreams. I trying to balance it all, and sometimes when I notice my self focusing more on my aspirations than my kids I try to take a step back, and remember what our purpose is here on this earth. Having a family is our ultimate purpose, we learn more from having children, than we will ever learn in any other endeavor. Thank you for writing about this, it’s nice to know that other moms feel the same. Sometimes I feel so selfish, and think I’m not a good mom because I don’t focus on them all the time. It’s all about finding a balance and realizing whats most important, and what our whole purpose is.
http://www.balancedmoms.blogspot.com
I think you should count being a young mom as a good thing! You’re 23 now, so when your little ones go off to school, you’ll still be young. There will be time to develop your career if that’s what you decide to do, and if not, the Lord knows your talents and He wants to help you develop them. Trust that He will guide you and lead you down a path that will bring you the most happiness.
I too was a “career woman” and never dreamed having a baby would change that. I always wanted to have kids, but thought I would be “dying” to go back to work and couldn’t imagine taking 6 weeks off! Well – having a baby changed my life in more ways than I ever imagined. I blogged about it here if you’d like to read my story: http://mommynewsblog.com/how-breastfeeding-changed-my-life/ and you can read about my breastfeeding journey here: http://mommynewsblog.com/gentle-weaning-one-moms-journey-through-breastfeeding/
Enjoy your journey!! — Judy
This is a very honest post. I appreciate your transparency. You are feeling what many, many women have felt over the years. After getting married at 24 and having 3 children, my personal belief is that women CAN have it all- we just can’t have it all at the same time. There are aspects of our life that we have to put on hold once we become mothers (because children can’t take care of themselves, right).There are opportunities that we will have to give up because of our families. There are things we won’t be able to do because of our children. But that should in no way discourage you. Being a mother is quite honestly the absolute greatest gift I could have been given. Your child will love you unconditionally and want nothing from you but your love. It’s amazing how a child will change you. But please know that that change will empower you and fulfill you in a way no high powered career could ever do. It’s amazing that I am now, after 10 years of marriage and having 3 kids, able to focus on the career I really wanted to have. I always wanted to be a published author by the time I was 25. That hasn’t happened yet because I decided to focus on my family. But now, at 33 my children have grown a little older and I’m able to spend time on my writing. I don’t feel resentful that my dreams haven’t come to fruition yet. I’m blessed to be able to have a beautiful family and I love them dearly. So now, after giving so much to them through these years. I can focus a little more on my dreams. This is a very long comment but I hope I have helped you a little. You’ve helped me ALOT!
Trade ya?
I’m flying towards that career and it doesn’t matter how hard I dig my heels into the pavement in an attempt to grind myself down to a halt. I often stare directly, 180 degrees, behind me and wonder, “What if I had children when I was younger? What if I had taken a different path in my early 20’s? Would I have a family now?”…
There may be no baby for me. But at least you have little spawnie and I think you know deep down that it was the right choice, the best choice, you could have made. 🙂
Legit concerns. I believe in having it all. Maybe that is presumptious of me but I had a great professor lecture our class about not having to pick b/w the two but being able to have both. She told us the key is family support, really, aka the hubby. She told us as long as you have it, you can do both. She got a PhD having and raising 2 kids and now does research in the same field alongside her husband! Obviously, there is no right or wrong answer between “picking” b/w career and motherhood. It is what works for you and your family. Good luck! I have no doubt u’ll be successful in anything you do including being a good mommy!
remember…Life has twists and turns..and is meant to be for a reason..dear one perfect doesnt exsist…just be patient you will see whats meant to be. =)
I had this same struggle a few years back when contemplating grad school and my future/”five year plan”. I remember telling my husband “all you have to worry about is what you want to do; I have to figure out how to do what I want to do and how to fit raising children into that equation.”
That was just days before I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Days before I started graduate school.
I was lost. And motherhood found me. Then, I lost that baby. And I knew what I really wanted.
I agree with the whole “season to everything” comment above. Now that I have my boy, I want to cherish every waking moment because it was hard-won to get here and because these moments go so quickly!
You’ll find your path. And it may be different than you ever thought it would look like! And as anyone with a newborn can tell you, it is likely to change every day. I never thought my husband would be going to part-time work to finish grad school sooner and get me to SAHM status that much sooner, but a new baby puts such things in perspective!
I think it’ll work out just how it was suppose to. You will find that perfect balance between motherhood and career and you’ll be content in it. I’m not a mom yet but every girlfriend I have says every “goal” switches gears the first time you hold your little one in your arms. I don’t know for sure – but I know that life takes the turns it takes for a reason. All we can do is enjoy the ride!
I guess you have some tough decisions to make in your future! It sounds like you’ve accomplished so much at such a young age. Congrats! I guess only time will tell what you will choose and what path you will take…sometimes life takes you in a different direction then you innitially thought!
Great post on the realities of the impending first child 😉 I will say this and this will be confirmed once you hold your new little bundle…everything changes! Your priorities become all about that tiny little peanut and it will take some time until you can focus on what YOU want. It took me a good 3 years before I began to focus on what I wanted, not just for me but for my children. For now, just take a deep breath and enjoy your pregnancy, it is such an amazing time!
This is the dilemma of all new moms—no matter their age. Once you have a baby, things just… change. Priorities shift. Things that interested you before bore you now, and things that used to bore you excite you to no end. The beauty of it all is that having a child motivates you—you want nothing more than to take care of that baby by any means necessary. And if you’re a driven person—which you are—then you’ll figure out a way to pursue your passion AND be a fantastic mother. It IS possible. God is expert at opening doors that you didn’t even know existed… I’m a living witness.
Don’t worry, my love.
Great post!
Just wanted to let you know about my button swap and the chance for your blog to be featured! Check it out:
http://singing-in-the-rain24.blogspot.com/2009/12/button-swap.html
Do not feel like a hypocrite! Life changes, we change… what we want changes.. it happens all of the time and it is okay and good. If life had just one certain path for all of us that never changed.. well that just isn’t the plan and would really be rather boring.
Great post. Having been there, done that, and now at the empty nest stage, I’m SO GLAD I chose family over career. It’s been an amazing journey, with more ups than downs – and it hasn’t finished yet! There really is a life after the children are raised. You can count on it. Enjoy the ride 🙂
Great post! It is hard to figure out what you really want at any time and what may change. good luck!
HI! I just ran across your blog, and I have to comment. Although I am further down the road now…with three children and in my early thirties! I KNOW how that feels, so much. Let me tell you, I spent WAYYYY too much time bemoaning the fact that I wasn’t having a career, that I was “just” being a mother. I am not saying you are saying this…BUT this was totally ME. And It was all about me. I did not allow myself to FULLLLY:
1. enjoy my children
2.appreciate them AND my role as thier mother.
3. Make the MOST of it. Make every day a blessing by enjoying being a mommy!
But then, after my third child, some switch in my brain was flipped. My heart softened like NEVER before. I was caught up IN CRAZY LOVE with this child, all my children, and suddenly my eyes were opened to WHO I WAS, and I was for the FIRST time LOVING every minute of it.
Did I still have other dreams? YES.
And guess what, just recently over the past year -doors have been opened to me to help me fulfill some of those dreams like I never could have imagined…and I have felt it has been a direct gift from a Heavely Father who loved me so much and just wanted me to truly appreciate the gifts I had been given..in my beautiful children. And also acknowledge and be fulilled in my motherhood.
Sorry this is so long…but I just wanted you to know that patience with your dreams will pay off. God knows your heart. He will provide all that your heart and soul needs to be happy.
That’s the good thing about being young though, even if you DID focus on Spawnie until he/she started Kindergarten you will only be 28 or 29. I am not saying that you SHOULD or WILL, just saying. Even though I put family above career I can’t/won’t be doing that…I plan to go to school late this year or some time next year to become a medical assistant…even though I graduated HS 5 years ago (screwing around in community college then quitting and working for 2 years full time) and completing that course is 2-3 years away I’ll only be 26 or 27…
I think you’ll still be yourself after Spawnie is here, I know I haven’t changed. Being a mother doesn’t have to define you if you don’t let it…it’s not too difficult to be yourself and a mother :).
A great post, and something I might have written (although not as well) at your age. For me, my priorities just changed. I was still me, but life experience as a mom changed me forever. In a good way!
Wow I hear so much of me in you.
I was so ambitious. I had ain incredible caret in television. I was a producer in a top ten market. I was creative I wad a mover.
I used to scoff at the girls who put men before their careers and potential. But that all changed when I met the right one.
Now? A great career as a writer, a beautiful baby and a wonderful husband. I’m blessed, happy, and ready to hang out and enjoy the view. It is possible to have it all.