I deleted everything I had originally planned to have in this post. I went back and forth between making it a Wordless Wednesday and sharing photos of Lil’ J in her new pretty dress, and/or talking about spring. But when I’m drowning in feelings it sometimes feels like there’s no way past it but to write them out.
Yesterday wasn’t really rainy. Today is rainy. But yesterday was a hard day. Let’s just say when your spouse works in a tough job dealing with tough things and the world seems to be against him, things can get dark. I’ve always been the positive and cheery one in the family. I like to think of myself as a realist but if I’m being honest I’m totally optimistic. It’s not often the dreariness of everything else catches up with me, but yesterday was one of those days.
I spent the morning working and the afternoon cleaning, hardly saying a word to anyone. I started to countdown the hours until bedtime and then I checked my calendar and realized I’d completely forgotten about a deadline.
There was a half and hour til sundown and I was suppose to take photos of my kids in their new Easter outfits. Big T had just gotten out of the bath and was in no mood to get dressed again. Lil’ J however dropped her dinner and jumped at the chance to model.
It’s been a while since we’ve done a photoshoot together and I could tell she’d missed it. I could tell I missed it.
Later that evening I was sitting on the couch feeling overwhelmed, near tears. Big T sat on my lap and cuddled with me. It was just what I needed. His fluffy hair on my cheeks, and too young to notice I wasn’t feeling well.
Lil’ J came over a few minutes later after her brother went to bed and brought me a piece of art she’d been working on.
“SURPRISE!” She shouted. I thanked her, but she immediately knew something was up.
“That’s not your normal voice,” she said. “Do you not like it?”
“No, I love it! It’s so pretty! I love the flowers and stripes, I’m going to put it in my room.”
She leaned in closer, peering at me.
“Mommy, are you not feeling well?”
“No,” I told her the truth.
She’d been begging me for ice cream and I finally told her she could go have one bite, and she came back with the container, a spoonful ready and stuffed it in my mouth.
It wasn’t until after stories, and bedtime that I sat down to edit these photos and with each one, the clouds started to break up a little.
Her smile, her joy, her compassion… She’s my spot of sunshine.