A Horrible Morning Brightened by a Flicker

Miss my good news? Read it here.

I woke up excited, anxious. It was the day of my first doctor’s appointment… The day I’d find out if there is really a baby in my stomach, or if all of these symptoms are just a hoax.

I’d been praying that I’d get to hear the heartbeat. I called the doctors office a week before to see what we would be doing exactly so I’d know whether or not to bring my husband along. They told me they wouldn’t do an ultrasound but that they’d check for a heartbeat. –How?

I wasn’t sure but my friends told me they’d probably use a doppler to listen for it… But also warned it’s hard to hear early, and not to worry if I couldn’t hear it this time.

I got ready for work and finalized plans to meet my husband at the doctor’s office in a few hours before heading out the door. Just as I was leaving I noticed I had a text message on my phone. … A warning from someone I work with, saying that she wasn’t the only person at work who reads my blog.

‘Great’ I thought to myself. Maybe only one or two people read it but that can easily turn into 10 or 20 once words spreads that a “juicy post” is up. I know there are some people who love to gossip but I didn’t know the extent to which the news had traveled. A few moments later I received a text message from another friend… Asking about the story I was working on for the day, but also making a point to call me “a blogger” in the message.

The good news is I was warned. I knew it would only take a person or two for it to suddenly spread and turn into my entire company… But I wasn’t prepared for the reactions.

Instead of feeling congratulated, I felt investigated. Instead of feeling excitement and anticipation from my colleagues, I’m left feeling like I’m 16 and pregnant. … Not like the happily married woman I am who was planning to have a baby.

I knew announcing my pregnancy on my blog could mean that it would get out to people I work with sooner than I planned to tell people, but I didn’t imagine people gossiping about it… Giggling about it, then interrogating me about my “secret pregnancy” as if they’ve cracked some Top Secret… As if I’m some immature teenager who didn’t know to use a condom.

I wasn’t upset about people “finding out” I was upset about the reaction. I thought people would be… Or at least seem happy for me… Even if they had read the news on my blog, or had been told from a someone else who did. I wasn’t trying to hide it, if I was I wouldn’t have published it, but I published it thinking the responses (if any) would be maybe something more like “congratulations.”

I felt like I was in high school again… And I couldn’t help but let the hormones take over and cry like a child myself. I was hurt.

The day didn’t get any better in the couple of hours before my appointment. Technical problems followed by more pregnancy questions I didn’t know all of the answers to myself, and looks that screamed “so and so told me about you.” And then I prayed.

Now that the entire world knows I’m pregnant, I prayed to actually be pregnant. I didn’t know for sure… I mean, according to several home pregnancy tests and my late friend I knew I should be, but I wasn’t convinced there was a living being in there. I prayed that I am still and that I will continue to be pregnant for nine healthy months. I prayed I’d hear my baby’s heart at the appointment to calm my fears and brighten my day.

I met my husband at the doctor’s office and he was a trooper… Even though he was the only man in there for awhile, and unsure if he was really supposed to be there.

The nurse called us back and gave me a few more forms to fill out.

“This one just confirms that we won’t tell anyone about your medical records… You don’t have to worry about us telling the Newspaper or anything,” she added.

Yea, well the News already knows.’ I thought to myself.

They took my weight, height, blood and blood pressure. Then the nurse told me she’d hook up the ultrasound machine for my doctor.

I was thrilled. I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to hear a heartbeat yet, but that I’d be able to see it if we looked for it.

I tried not to get my hopes up… Thinking maybe she had forgotten how far along I was and was mistaken about the ultrasound. I kept a silent prayer as I met my doctor for the first time.

She was wonderful! Friendly, funny, and easy to talk to. Not in a rush at all. I felt welcomed and like she was a friend right away. She congratulated us on our first baby… It resonated well… Made me smile. Made me feel myself again.

But it wasn’t until she turned the machine on and told us what we were looking for that my hopes began to soar. She saw the sac that my baby was in and a moment later our baby. Just a small dot right now… But a baby alright. And then a movement caught my eye. The movement I’d been praying for.

I saw the flicker of my baby’s heartbeat… And that’s when and all of my embarrassment, fears and frustrations with work went away. That small flicker melted my heart.

I didn’t cry… I thought I might, but I kept myself from tearing so I wouldn’t miss any of the flickers. I sent all of the negative energy away and collected every ounce of happiness, gratification and love and sent it to my baby.

… My baby who even now… No bigger an orange seed, already knows how to brighten mommy’s day.

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  1. Awww, well that made me tear up. I’m sorry things didn’t go the way you hoped with work finding out, but seeing that little flicker sounds like it was the perfect cure. I’ll bet your husband was glad he had endured the waiting room when he go to actually SEE the baby!

    Warmest of Congratulations from my whole family & I really hope the people at your work get a clue quickly that married people have babies & it is something to be CELEBRATED!

  2. It’s so amazing to see that isn’t it? I’m so happy for you. This post brought tears to my eyes. There are so many precious moments in pregnancy but this is surely one of the highlights.

  3. That is so exciting that you got to hear the heartbeat and see your little seed! Let that carry you thru all the doubt about people and their attitudes.

    People can be jerks, sorry it had such an impact on your day.

  4. Glad you had a happy ending to your day. People aren’t always tactful, when you need them to be! I remember that 1st appointment, 1st heartbeat…so exciting! Enjoy this miraculous time! Blessings to you!

  5. I am so sorry that you’ve experienced this with your coworkers. Please know that although this is a joyous time for you, not everyone is happy for you. Also people who don’t blog don’t understand bloggers. Believe me, I’ve had my share if issues with my co workers once some of them found out about my blog.

    Please know that God has blessed you tremendously. So let your focus be on this amazing experience of pregnancy. There’s nothing else like it in the world. Enjoy this. Don’t let it get tainted by people’s stupidity! I’m happy for you.

  6. I am TRULY GENUINELY happy for you and your husband! You are going to be an AMAZING mom. And my take on all of the gossip is that it stems from jealousy. You are beautiful, in shape, fun, and some people don’t like to see others get what they want. Isn’t it AMAZING that the heart already beats?! It IS a miracle! Congrats and enjoy!

  7. Okay, I was SO excited when I read you’re announcement the other day!! Haven’t been able to stop by until now, but you know, better late than never? =)

    I just have to say it: CONGRATULATIONS!!! Yay. =D

    And don’t let people get to you. You are loved, and you’re going to have a sweet, precious little baby. Isn’t life amazing?


  8. Ugh! Had a big ole comment typed out and it got deleted…whaaa!

    Okay here’s the summary as baby is crying.

    You are doing great. Doesn’t matter what your coworkers think or say – they are coworkers nothing more and nothing less.

    All that matters is your husband and that little pitter patter in your belly. You are going to have good days and bad days.

    You are lucky to be a blogger and to have the skills to document this journey. There is so much I have forgot already and it saddens me that I could forget about such a beautiful event in my life.

    Enjoy every moment – even those when you are sick. It’s just another moment close to baby day!


    Oh and don’t forget to digitize/scan all of your ultrasound pictures – mine faded really fast.

  9. congratulations 🙂

    I still have every pic from the sonograms of my son…he is due in a few weeks, and he is truly the most exciting adventure of my husband and my life. I remember seeing the little dot that was him on the screen, and was so excited to bring the picture home and show hubby…that was *our* little bean!

    I’ve been reading your blog when I can in the past, and remember when you weren’t sure, and when you started to get ready (and eating health bars with vitamins), and when you officially started to try, and I am so, so, so very happy it happened for you. It’s an exciting, exhilarating, life changing journey (and our baby isn’t even born yet!)

    Lots of blessings 🙂

  10. congratulations on seeing the heartbeat! My first appointment is on Nov 20th which really seems like an eternity, but they won’t give you an appointment before week 12 here so I have to be patient…

    I,m hoping I’ll be as lucky! 🙂

  11. I totally started tearing up while reading this post. I wish I could just give you a huge hug and come and beat everyone up. (That’s just my nature, I’m totally a fighter….ask the man) That ultrasound picture totally just made my night and I’m still on cloud 9 that you’re expecting!

  12. people’s reactions are always so funny and i feel like it sometimes even continues into watching the baby grow. but i’m so happy for you and that you were able to see your baby and the heartbeat and enjoy!! congrats again!! hope you’re feeling good 🙂

  13. I think people can forget how much negativity can affect a pregnant woman. (Or maybe even anything except positive and happy thoughts/comments!) Congratulations on your first appointment! It just keeps getting more and more exciting! I absolutely loved this post. It almost made me tear up!

  14. This put a big fat smile on my face. Seeing that flicker for the first time is absolutely breathtaking, isn’t it? I’m so happy for you.

    And don’t let ANYONE take your joy away, honey. Let them whisper and gossip, you have your baby… And your baby’s heart is beating away inside you. As long as that precious little one is thriving, nothing else really matters, does it? Hold your head up high, mama, you have a LOT to smile about!!!!

  15. Cutest little orange seed ever! 😉

    I know what you mean about that “is there really a living thing inside of me” feeling. I had it until the day they actually pulled him out! For me it was just wonderfully weird, if that makes sense.

    And I know it’s tough, but ignore the stares and snickers. YOU know that you are a happily married woman who planned a baby, and God knows. He wouldn’t have given you that adorable little speck if it wasn’t supposed to happen. To put it bluntly, people suck 🙂

  16. I’m sorry that people can be so mean. Your pregnancy is a wonderful and joyous thing and people should be happy for you! If the people at work aren’t reacting appropriately, remember that you have 100s of “Internet friends” who are THRILLED and ELATED for you!!

  17. Great story! I didn’t have a blog when I first found out I was pregnant but was amazed at how quickly it spread at work anyway.
    Glad all is well and how fun to have an ultrasound already.

  18. Girl, don’t let those naysayers steal your joy. I couldn’t be happier for you. You’ve been wanting this moment for so long. And bravo to your hubs for being with you. Mine went to every exaam with all 3 pregnancies and the staff fell in love with him saying he had been the only father they saw through all 3. Usually you see them the with the 1st pregnancy and then no more.

    Keep letting us know how things go.

  19. Such a great moment! I hope you have no regrets about how everything has gone down. People are going to whisper about you if they think they read something they weren’t supposed to read. Just nature of the beast. I hope it’s all out in the open at work now and people can start acting like adults again soon.

  20. I cried when I read this! This is just the beginning of many wonderful moments that your baby with bring! I wish you had a better reaction from your co-workers, but you can’t control their immature behavior only your reaction to it (a wise mommy blogger taught me that). Now that you are a momma, you really have to shut out those external voices. Just focus on you and your family. Congrats again!!!!

  21. I am so excited for you, you post got me all choked up. This is such a blessing for you I know. And the people that whisper and gossip about you I suspect are a little envious of the beautiful and wonderful person you are 🙂

  22. Congratulations! I’m sorry so many people treated it like gossip instead of being happy for you. I would have cried too. I hate the ‘high school’ feeling. I’m so glad you were able to see your baby! It makes it more real and ten times more exciting!

  23. You think people treated you like that with your first, wait until your third, fourth, sixth or seventh! They really are convinced you are crazy by then and treat you that way. I was always so excited with every baby, and people would look at me, scratch their heads and roll their eyes.
    When we adopted our seventh baby one of the other moms asked me if it was the same as a biological baby. I teared up and said that it was exactly the same feelings of joy and protectiveness I had felt with all my biological children.
    Congratulations and enjoy the journey!

  24. Congrats on seeing that little bean! How fun.

    Now, as for your co-workers … that’s tough, huh? Imagine when the people at the station where I interned found out that the INTERN had a one-year-old and had been married 3 years! Boy, was I an anomaly around there. It was hard to get used to. Most people had 1 kid — but they were all at least 30. The under 30 crowd was mostly single and having fun.

    But, I did work with a girl at the Web desk who loved hearing about my daughter and motherhood. She was my age and readily admitted marriage was nowhere in her near future, but she was appreciative and supportive of my lifestyle. It felt good to be able to trust her.

    Soon, other news room people (anchors, producers, editors) found out I was a mama, and they all wanted to see my baby’s pictures! I think it was definitely weird for them, but they didn’t react as I would have expected.

    Don’t worry; your co-workers might just be jealous. Or they don’t understand, and it’s coming out in meanness and teasing. But you’re happy! And you’re going to be the cutest pregnant news lady EVER. You rock, girl.

  25. What an awesome moment! There’s nothing quite like that baby’s heart beat. I’m so happy for you.

    I bet this won’t be the first time jealousy rears her ugly head during your pregnancy. When people should be overjoyed for you, they snarl and snark and gossip. I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m sure, though, you know how loved and supported you are by those who really matter.

    Good luck with this new chapter (ok, it’s like a whole new book, really) in your life. You’ll do great!

  26. People at work reading this & gossiping should first act like ADULTS & second be very happy for you! A baby is a blessing! I don’t care if your happily married or not! YOU are happy about this baby & that is ALL that matters!

    Dot is beautiful! 😀

    Congrats sweetie!

  27. This was such a beautiful post. It made me tear up a little. 🙂 People will always say what they want, but that’s ok because you are having a baby!! So happy for you. And I hope things at work start getting easier for you.

  28. Congratulations! You have all the right to be happy and don´t let anybody make you feel just a little bit down!
    Having a baby is the best thing and it gives you more joy then anything.
    I’m 22 and I have a 3 months old (planned) baby. allthough I have a boyfriend who i live with for 2 years, people look at me as if I got pregnant by exident and don’t know who the father is.
    At your age, situation and esspecially how long you have been thinking about it and preparing yourself you don’t deserve it that people look at you like that!!!
    I hope it won’t effect the way you blog and how open you are!!!

    I wish you and your husband a healthy baby!!


  29. I’ve neglected my blog reading lately and was elated to read of your good news! Congrats! I’m so happy for you and your hubby and I love the new look. Well done!

  30. No bigger than an orange seed, yes, but still a life created by love. Ignore those who snicker & whisper & just enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.

  31. Aww, I think I need to get ready to tear up and get all emotional when I visit your blog 🙂 I feel really excited for you. And a little anxious. All the greatness you are about to experience. Congratulations again and just keep praying. You will be fine 🙂 Btw, love the ultrasound picture.

  32. I’m so excited for you! The first time I saw the heart beating in the ultrasound I bawled like a baby. I had suffered 5 miscarriages before and had not seen a heart beat in the other pregnancies. There are no words to express the feelings that came over me the first time I saw that flicker of the heartbeat that first time. I now have a beautiful, healthy 3 1/2 year old!

  33. Congratulations! This post brought a tear to my eye. It must be so amazing to see that heartbeat! I never got to see it..my first appt left me with sadness…but I had hoped and dreamed exactly what you saw and heard. Congratulations!!!!!

  34. Yeah at this point in time I know it’s way easier said than done but don’t worry about what anyone thinks. Try not to get stressed out because you are working on something miraculous in there and when mommy’s not feeling well baby knows it. Occupy your mind with baby things. Look up names. That can consume many hours.

    My best, Lynn

  35. I’m so happy you had a great appointment. Screw the other people. They suck. I’ve had similar feelings but more because I am a mother of 5. I was still on top of the world and refused to let others bring me down.

    Oh and tell your DH that some men go to EVERY appointment! My DH goes with me every time. He has missed 2 appointments out of 5 pregnancies so far. It’s great having him there!
    All the best!

  36. Jenn, Congratulations again… I know I have told you but I am so happy for you. You have a Beautiful Baby… I love having ultrasounds. Seeing and hearing the heartbeat is the best. My hubby goes with me to the Dr. too. When we have our “Big” ultrasound, (When we find out what we are having), We all go… All my children come along that visit. Thank You for sharing. I look forward to reading your posts. Blessings,

  37. Congratulations! My husband and I dealt with infertility for 2 years and after the 5th IUI, we were finally pregnant! That first ultrasound picture at 6 weeks is one the my favorite pictures ever! We also got to see her heartbeat. Isn’t it amazing!

    Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!

  38. Wow, I’m totally late in the game but I just found your blog. I am so happy for you and your husband. It’s hard for others especially of other religions I think sometimes to understand people being young, married, and having children. The only thing that matters is you, your husband, and unborn child. I have to say I’m totally jealous how easily getting pregnant and staying pregnant came to you but also VERY happy for you two. You seem from your blogs to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and one who definitely isn’t hasty, which I really admire in couples these days. Too many people run off to have their fairy tale life without taking the time to decide (pray) and make sure when and why things are “right”. Good luck to you in the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations!

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