Nov
26
2009

I’ve Jumped


Thank you so much for all of your congratulating comments and friendly tips and words. You have no idea how grateful I am for me and how much they lift my spirits. I feel like I need to preface this post a little. This blog has never been your average happy go lucky roses and butterflies blog so I hope my honesty doesn’t shock you now.

I know it was no naive of me, but I thought when I finally became pregnant I would have no reason to be sad, upset, jealous. I thought I’d be overwhelmed with joy and gratitude and not have enough room for negative emotions.

I’m so grateful for my blessings. For my health, for my wonderful husband, for our growing baby, for clean water and all of the little things I so often take for granted, but I still worry.

I know part of it is my pregnancy hormones. Every emotion–Good or bad is escalated to the extreme. So my joy, my sadness, my fears, my doubts are all magnified.

I worry about things that haven’t even happened… Miscarriage, cesareans, postpartum depression, being a bad mother. I worry about all of the complaints and negativity I’ve heard. While always tagged with “But it’s all worth it,” I still worry.

I don’t understand how one moment I’m so sure I’m ready and excited and wanting this more than anything and the next I’m terrified by the fact that I’m walking down a path I can’t turn back from. I’ve jumped off the cliff. And to make matters worse… I feel completely horrible and guilty for feeling this way. I know so many women who would give their left ovary for my luck, for my condition, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world myself… I’m just terrified out of my wits.

On top of that I feel like my baby can feel my every emotion an read my mind. I hope Spawnie knows I want it more than anything and doesn’t dwell on the fact that I’m freaking out every now and then too.

Becoming a wife was one thing. It changed the status of my womanhood to a degree. But becoming a mother is a completely different story. I’m not worried about providing for my family, or loosing my freedom, I’m just scared that it’s so permanent. I’ve never lived with one decision for the rest of my life.

Next month I’ll be celebrating five years of marriage. Luckily I have a supportive husband, a solid relationship, a desire to be parents. But it’s unreal how quickly my daydreams of “what ifs” and “one day”s became here and nows.

No more picturing what our child will look like. Our child is forming, and whether we like it or not it’s already got one of our sets of eyes. I just pray Spawnie isn’t developing my mood swings.

There’s no turning back now, and while part of me is leaping for joy, another smaller part of me is hiding crouched in the corner, arms wrapped around my knees rocking back and forth wondering what I got myself into.


Gena says:

Good luck! I’m on baby #6 and guess what! I still feel this way at times! It’s my opinion that you wouldn’t be a great mother if you didn’t worry about things at times. As for some of the other stuff? I’ve miscarried before and thanks to my wonderful husband we got through it. It was horrible but it wasn’t the end of the world for us. I’ve lost a child that I’ve held, nursed and loved for 3 months. I’ve lived through it and survived! I’ve dealt with PPD and thanks to the wonderful support system, I managed it. You can face whatever life has to throw at you. It won’t be easy at times and it will be HELL at other times. But it’s those times that make you cherish the truly wonderful times. Don’t get upset with yourself that you feel this way at times. Just remind yourself to count your blessings during those times. I have had to learn that if I dwell on my losses, I will miss out on the blessings. The same is true for the What Ifs. Now take your happy pregnant self and get some chocolate! You deserve it!

Lauren says:

can I just second the comment above?? Try not to dwell on the what ifs of life. I have miscarried twice, and while it was the most painful, heartwrenching thing I’ve ever been through — I got through it! Don’t worry about tomorrow – just enjoy today (and I think today should definitely include some chocolate!!) šŸ˜›

Nicole says:

I know exactly what you are going through. I felt the exact same way when I first learned I was pregnant. I was 20 years old, and I was absolutely terrified. I was so scared to do something wrong, I was so worried I wasn’t going to be a good mother, I was dealthy afraid of what people thought of me. I did the same thing with all of the “What if’s?”. But what they say is true, the motherly instinct thing is true. I had never even been around babies until mine was born. I’d never changed a diaper, I’d never held a baby for longer tha 30 minutes, and now I had one of my own I had to take care of 24/7! But when she came, it was like I knew exactly what to do. I knew that a certain cry meant she was hungry, another one meant she needed a new diaper. I knew how to make her happy and make her stop crying. Not saying it’s all easy, there are tough times. Heck, just last night I was in tears! But don’t worry. When you said “It’s all worth it”, it really is. The first time you hear that cute little giggle and see that adorable smile all your worries, fears, and stress go out the door.

We’re praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy for you. You sound like you are going to be a great mother. You can’t be a mom and not worry and not think about the “what if’s?” !!!

Mrs. Haid says:

I feel ya. I have a 4 month old and I feel the same way , sometimes a bit reticent or reluctant about this choice to be a mom. I also think the baby can read my mind… I think its because he was a part of me for so long that its odd for him to be out on his own!

Also… I think its okay to feel all emotions. Bad, good, whatever. Feel everything. It means you are alive. You don’t have to act on each emotion or even express each emotion in words. But feeling them is plenty okay.

I read a good book called “Understanding your moods when you are pregnant”. I think its a good read! I recommend it!

Stam House says:

All those feeling are so very normal!!!! Yes hormones are playing a role in it but the fact is that your life is and forever more be changing. What is the norm for you now wont be anymore but a new one will take it’s place.

Like for me being married for 3 1/2 years having a 2 1/2 years old another one that will be turning 1 tomorrow and being almost 3 month pregnant. What is normal for me is puking 24/7, not sleeping ever!!!! wondering were i put this or that (I did loose my purse twice in the last 2 weeks and i haven’t left the house !!!)

Wiping runny noses with the bottom of my skirt, eating a half chewed already lick piece of cookies are becoming the norm for me too!

The worries of will my kids grow up to hate me because I denied them this or that (for their own good) thinking will I ever sleep a full night again!!!

But I do take comfort in the word of God

Phil 4 :6-7 “Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,present your request to God, which transcend all understanding, will guard you heart and mind in Christ Jesus” .

1 Peter 5:6-7 “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

This is totally normal! EVERYONE goes through it. You’re happy, scared, nervous, anxious, thrilled, ready, not ready, sick, confused, glowing, etc. All at once!

One thing that I wish I had done was to talk to my husband about it. Sometimes you just have to let it out. You two have a great relationship – lean on him if you need to. You might find that he has some of the same thoughts.

It is hard because a lot of people who are looking to get pregnant just focus on having “babies” not realized those “babies” turn into “kids” who you are still responsible. It’s a life-long commitment of the tallest order. It’s normal to feel all kinds of ways about it.

You will get through it and make an EXCELLENT mother, I’m sure of it. And I’m not just saying that to make you feel better. When I look at the way you’ve analyzed everything and tried to figure out what kind of mother you wanted to be before you even started TTC, it shows that you have IT – the good mommy gene. šŸ™‚

Take a a few sweet breaths when you start to get overwhelmed with all the what-if’s of this journey. I believe in intention and usually calm myself with the reminder that any stress and negativity I develop becomes a message I send to my developing little one, and these are not messages I want to send. If you still get too overwhelmed then rely on your faith to help you out. For myself and my pre-natal yoga students I stress the message “stay with me” in the 1st trimester and the message “grow with me” in the 2nd. All you can do is show love to your little Spawnie at this point and we all know how in love you are.

Mallory says:

I don’t remember ever feeling quite like this…but every now and then I would think a bit about the lifetime responsibility perspective and get worried. Then, I would think about the eternal perspective and I would remember that we learn things line upon line, precept upon precept. We can’t expect to know everything we need to know the moment we find out we are pregnant. And still, we can’t expect it when we have a 2 year old, a 12 year old, 18, 30, 50 year old child. We just learn how to do it as we go along. Sometimes it gets hard, but we always know that we have a loving Heavenly Father who is there to help and guide us through the challenges of this life. He also helps us to understand all of our blessings, too!

Totally normal. I turned to my husband during church on Sunday and said – “I want her to come sooo badly… and I don’t want her to come sooo badly!” He just laughed at me.

Huny It’s ok!! Every mother goes through this. Being pregnant is scary and it nvr lets up. That’s just part of being a mom. We worry about our babies. We worry about the choises we make and the choices they will make it comes with the teerritory. It’s ok! Through out your pregnancy you’re probably going to hear every horror story and crazy preggo tale there is out there. Take them with a grain of salt. Everyones pregnancy and births are different! For every bad story there is another woman who ahd a great birth and pregnancy. Keep your head up it will be ok :).

Danielle says:

You’re going to be an amazing mom. The fact that you’re so worried already means you’re already a great mom!

As far as the other things to be afraid of, you simply need to not focus on people’s horror stories. For each horror story, there are thousands of fairy tales. It won’t be easy, but all the good WILL outweigh the bad.

Sophia's Mom says:

Don’t feel bad Future Mama! A lot of women go through those same emotions… including me! I too felt guilty for having those thoughts but I had more moments of joy than those of being frightened. And I’m sure my baby felt it. The joy!

From what I can tell you are going to be great mom so you can cross that one off of your list of worries.

Don’t turn into me. I have been freaking out about everything ever since I found out I was pregnant! I never thought I would be THAT mom!

http://www.thewannabewahm.com

Honey Bee says:

Hey there- awesome blog! I just stumbled upon it, and can’t wait to go back and read some of your older posts.
~Honey Bee

*Alice Anne* says:

Girl, I’m so excited for you!… no matter how you’re feeling about it. I. Am. Thrilled! šŸ™‚

You’re allowed to be paranoid and nervous…it’s the hormones. You’re allowed to be scared. I was, and it turns out that I had a valid reason–I had a miscarriage a couple weeks ago. It’s been really hard and really tough, but like others above have said, it’s a part of life and it’s all part of the master plan. I wish you luck, health, and happiness with this baby and I’m going to keep following you on this journey!!

Waterbaby417 says:

You are very normal. Accept your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. God bless.

I love your blog and look forward to this journey with you. I’m following from MBC. I hope you will check out my blog when you get a chance.

Summer says:

Girl….like everyone else has said, TOTALLY NORMAL.

And no worries about your baby feeling a thing. God keeps them nice and tucked away from our raging hormones for a reason! lol

Betty says:

*hugs* I think everyone must have these feelings. I mean, like you said, it’s a huge life change! When you have negative feelings, try not to feel bad for having them, if you know what I mean — they’re natural.

what you are feeling is completely normal. I would be concerned if you weren’t having mood swings, LOL! Don’t beat yourself up and IGNORE anyone who tries to make you feel bad (especially if they’ve never been pregnant or have kids).

Betty says:

*hugs* I think everyone must have these feelings. I mean, like you said, it’s a huge life change! When you have negative feelings, try not to feel bad for having them, if you know what I mean — they’re natural.

Waterbaby417 says:

You are very normal. Accept your feelings. Be gentle with yourself. God bless.

Honey Bee says:

Hey there- awesome blog! I just stumbled upon it, and can’t wait to go back and read some of your older posts.
~Honey Bee

Take a a few sweet breaths when you start to get overwhelmed with all the what-if’s of this journey. I believe in intention and usually calm myself with the reminder that any stress and negativity I develop becomes a message I send to my developing little one, and these are not messages I want to send. If you still get too overwhelmed then rely on your faith to help you out. For myself and my pre-natal yoga students I stress the message “stay with me” in the 1st trimester and the message “grow with me” in the 2nd. All you can do is show love to your little Spawnie at this point and we all know how in love you are.

Nicole says:

I know exactly what you are going through. I felt the exact same way when I first learned I was pregnant. I was 20 years old, and I was absolutely terrified. I was so scared to do something wrong, I was so worried I wasn’t going to be a good mother, I was dealthy afraid of what people thought of me. I did the same thing with all of the “What if’s?”. But what they say is true, the motherly instinct thing is true. I had never even been around babies until mine was born. I’d never changed a diaper, I’d never held a baby for longer tha 30 minutes, and now I had one of my own I had to take care of 24/7! But when she came, it was like I knew exactly what to do. I knew that a certain cry meant she was hungry, another one meant she needed a new diaper. I knew how to make her happy and make her stop crying. Not saying it’s all easy, there are tough times. Heck, just last night I was in tears! But don’t worry. When you said “It’s all worth it”, it really is. The first time you hear that cute little giggle and see that adorable smile all your worries, fears, and stress go out the door.

We’re praying for a happy and healthy pregnancy for you. You sound like you are going to be a great mother. You can’t be a mom and not worry and not think about the “what if’s?” !!!

Lauren says:

can I just second the comment above?? Try not to dwell on the what ifs of life. I have miscarried twice, and while it was the most painful, heartwrenching thing I’ve ever been through — I got through it! Don’t worry about tomorrow – just enjoy today (and I think today should definitely include some chocolate!!) šŸ˜›

Mrs. Haid says:

I feel ya. I have a 4 month old and I feel the same way , sometimes a bit reticent or reluctant about this choice to be a mom. I also think the baby can read my mind… I think its because he was a part of me for so long that its odd for him to be out on his own!

Also… I think its okay to feel all emotions. Bad, good, whatever. Feel everything. It means you are alive. You don’t have to act on each emotion or even express each emotion in words. But feeling them is plenty okay.

I read a good book called “Understanding your moods when you are pregnant”. I think its a good read! I recommend it!

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Hi! I’m Jennifer Borget



I'm a part-time journalist, full-time wife and mother striving to make the world a better place and inspiring others to do the same. This is the space where I share my journey in making the most of every day.

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