It never fails, once a month I’m rushing to the dollar store to stock up on pregnancy tests again because I’m sure my IUD has failed or fallen out and I’m pregnant.

You see,e I can never tell when I’m actually late because I have an IUD and sometimes the dates get a little wonky. Basically if my period isn’t a week early I’m assuming I’m knocked up again and life as I know it is over.

I don’t even really know how the IUD works. I mean, no one does. Don’t ask me why I had a device put in me that even medical experts claim “likely” works in a certain way, but there’s no single explanation.

Anyway, why do I think I’m pregnant on the IUD month after month? Here’s why:

1. I’m tired: It could be because I have two kids and five part-time jobs, and my son is refusing to take naps and my daughter won’t sleep in her own dang room. Or it could be because I’m pregnant.

2. My belly fat: Boy, wouldn’t that be a great excuse?

3. I have to pee: I have extremely good bladder control. So when I get the urge and I actually have to consider a public restroom, I know something’s up.

4. Phantom kicks: Ya’ll, I’m not joking about this. I FEEL baby kicks in my stomach. I should probably get that checked out.

5. TLC: I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant… It can happen ya’ll! It happens. And I’m convinced I’m going to wind up on that show because I’m eight months pregnant and didn’t know it. Even though I took a test last month, and the month before and it said I wasn’t.

6. Breakouts: It could be stress. Or it could be the pregnancy.

7. I cried: I almost never cry since becoming a mom. It’s weird. It’s like my emotions have turned rock solid. But I cried when I missed the kiddie train ride for my son at Zilker Park (we got on the next one). And I cried while reading a sad story about a child… On the anchor desk. Where are these tears coming from? The fetus!

8. Parking spaces: No one questions me when I park in spaces for expecting mothers. … Just kidding, I don’t do that.

9. Karma: I always said I didn’t understand “surprise” pregnancies. Like, how do 50% of pregnancies wind up unplanned yet birth control is 95% effective with proper use? Wouldn’t Karma just love to show me who’s boss and make me eat a statement like that?

10. Nesting: I actually WANT to clean my house. No wait, never mind I don’t.

If I actually did want to get pregnant, (which I’m not implying that I do at this moment in time, or ever again really), there would be a few things I’d do. I wouldn’t go all crazy like I did when we were trying for Lil’ J–Forbidding my husband to take hot baths and all. No.

I’ve lived and learned and if I wanted to get pregnant I would probably only change up three things:

1. I’d quit drinking caffeine. No reason in particular, but it’s a tradition I’ve had each time I’ve tried to get pregnant. With my daughter I kept it up the entire pregnancy. With my son I was back to my old ways within a few months. Take it as you will with how that turned out.

2. I’d trade out the lube. For a more swimmer-friendly version. I did this the first two times and it seemed to help. I mean, I got pregnant. I have a box of *Astroglide TTC Trying to Conceive™ hiding with my dollar store pregnancy tests. If the expiration date is a few years out it could possibly come in handy someday.

3. I’d get my IUD removed cause, you know… Though we aren’t sure how it works, it seems to be working just fine for the time being. I think…

Do you ever have false alarms?

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Astroglide TTC is a sperm-friendly lubricant that doesn’t impede sperm motility like traditional lubricants. Check it out here.

*Thanks to Astroglide TTC™ for sponsoring this story. The opinions and text are all my own.

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Tags: birth control, funny, humor, IUD, pregnancy, pregnant on the IUD